Spice and Love

I am writing my story. It is a story of hope. A story of life.

I have been married almost seven years to a wonderful man. We both came to our marriage bed virgins, and with little sexual experience. The honeymoon was exciting, fun and wonderful.

And then real life began…
Soon after returning from the honeymoon it was obvious that our sexual drives, expectations and hopes were very different from each other. This was something I had prepared myself for. I knew that men desired sex more than women. And I had prepared myself, promising that I would never say no. I was going to be a different wife, I promised myself. I would give even when giving was hard…
Only, it was ME who desired sex more. I was the one wanting more adventure. I wanted more variety. I wanted sex daily..or at least every other day…or maybe even twice a week? As the months turned into years and I waited for my husband’s drive to equal mine, I began to realize that I was “waiting for godot”. This was not going to happen. Not anytime soon, anyway.

So here I am, in a marriage where I, the wife, has the higher sex drive. As I have reached out to find resources for wives like me, I have realized that they don’t exist. I recently heard a statistic that in my generation (30 and under) marriages like this are 1 in 4. So 25% of married women under 30 are having to learn to navigate in a world that is COMPLETELY OPPOSITE of everything they ever learned. Everything they ever thought possible…

I am hoping this blog becomes a community of like-minded wives who love their husbands and their marriages. Who want to see life and hope in their marriage beds. I believe that there is wisdom and a path for women like me.

So here I am to share what I have learned, and grow together in wisdom and love for the men God has given us.

Here is to being spicy wives.

16 thoughts on “Spice and Love

  1. So glad to see this blog – there is a huge need. Your no husband bashing is a critical aspect of making this work. I will be praying for you, for your struggle, and for your blogging. May this become a place of support, understanding, and help for many couples.

  2. Soooooo thankful i am not the only one struggling with this. Thank u for starting this. I am praying right along with u brcause ifind myself doing the same things u listed. I want to be a better wife and realize its not all about “me”.

  3. So glad that I am not only one… This is driving a big wedge between me and my husband and not sure how long I can manage.

  4. Have you ever gone on themarriagebed.com? This website is an amazing Christian resource about martial sex!

    • I actually have it listed on my marriage resources page. It is a WONDERFUL site. Full of really practical information & talks about all the stuff that nobody else does. I am forever indebted to its boards as well.

  5. Just found your blog, via a recommendation Lori sent out in her ‘Generous Wife’ emails. I love that you’re doing this! The number of times I’ve bemoaned the dearth of blogs or advice that’s aimed at women in our situation… It can be frustrating when so much of the (otherwise excellent) marriage advice out there focuses on making yourself sexually available to your husband, not saying no, taking inititiative in the bedroom, etc. There is a real need for what you’re doing here – thank you 🙂

    • Stephanie,

      Thanks for the encouragement. I started this blog because I, too, felt alone in the journey of being the high desire wife! However, I had heard rumors through the internet world that I wasn’t the only one. Hoping daily that this blog becomes a community & place of support for many women.
      Praying for you & your marriage today.

  6. I’ve learned through hubby and I’s recent blow up and fix up how to pray for my marriage. It is NOT God’s desire for married couples to be so sex poor. So, I prayed (and continue to pray) for our marriage bed. I gave it all into the Lord’s hands. I pray for hubby’s healing. I pray for my healing. I pray for mutuality, unity. I pray that God will complete us in the bedroom. I pray for patience. I pray for better communication. I pray like CRAZY!

    I believe that the lack of sex isn’t the disease, it’s a symptom. My crazy high drive was a symptom of being refused and feeling unattractive, worthless and inadequate. Hubby’s low drive was a symptom of my pestering initiation and whatever else the Lord has not revealed to me. I suspect that my husband doesn’t get as much out of sex as he could emotionally, spiritually and even physically at times. He has walls and issues that are between him and God to deal with. Instead of worrying about him, I give him and the issues to God and offer myself as a vessel for healing as his wife.

    When my husband started desiring me again, and gave me foreplay and climaxes, my crazy high drive lessened from a deafening roar to a gentle hum. And when I stopped bothering hubby for sex every time we were in bed and just loved him and waited on him as the Lord led me to (I’m not saying YOU do this, Spice, because your marriage is not mine and God may lead you otherwise) and prayed for him, his drive increased.

    I pray that you and your husband discover what his “disease” is that is keeping his sex drive so low. If he has an inability to WANT to please you, I pray for that, too. Even when sex hurt too much to enjoy it after the birth of one of our children, I still WANTED to pleasure my husband. Spouses should want to pleasure their spouse even if they can’t have pleasure themselves.

    God can heal and do so many miracles. I pray he heals your marriage and marriage bed!

  7. Yes and amen. It’s a tough place to be. My drive isn’t quite as extreme but my husband’s is minimal. Tough. I have 4 (almost 5) ages 5 and under. Scary statistic about marital happiness :/

  8. Grateful to find one of the other 25%. It’s disheartening and undermining on so many levels to not by “the norm” that Christian marriage books always talk about. Thank you for your time and effort into this blog!

  9. I am so grateful for founding this site. I was thinking what I was the only one going through this and had no one to talk about this. Blessings

  10. I just found your blog via http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/ . I have been wondering for almost 20 years where (if!) I could find other women who wish their husbands “bugged them” for sex…very painful and lonely. I, too, tried to talk about it just enough to see if any of my girl friends could relate to my situation, but I never wanted to be transparent, for fear of the hurt that would follow if they responded with, “Oh I only WISH my husband would leave me alone.” I wish those providing Christian premarital counseling would guide couples to be aware of some of these “complexities” of marriage…of the marriage bed.

    For so many years, our marriage bed has almost exclusively been a place where the two of us just our sleep/rest. My husband and I have gone for months at a time without being intimate–just a mere peck on the lips as he leaves the house. I used to cry about feeling undesirable, some nights going to another room to cry so he wouldn’t hear me as he was dozing off to sleep. There were a few times early on in our marriage when I blew up about it rather than lovingly trying to broach the subject with him. I even asked him one of those times if he was into pornography (which I felt sure he was not) and he said he was not, and then I asked him if he is gay! :o\ (I also felt sure he was not) and he said he was not.

    With all of this being said, my husband is a very godly, gentle, patient man. He helps me so much around the house without my having to ask (something a lot of my friends get frustrated about with their husbands.) He’s a great father to our 3 children. He is a thoughtful, serving man…just not in our sexual relationship.

    He grew up in a family that, though Christian, does not express their affections to each other. I grew up in a home in which my dad and his relatives regularly express their affection. I’m sure this is part of the issue.

    I have struggled with feeling like perhaps I’m expecting too much. Perhaps sex is not that important or necessary. Perhaps I am just making too much out of the near-absence of it in our marriage. I had become somewhat/fairly resigned myself to believing this. However, I feel so distant from my husband. I have allowed my mind at times to wonder what it would be like to be married to someone else who “couldn’t keep his hands off me.” BUT, I am committed to our marriage–it’s a covenant with God. But is it right to feel so alone in a relationship that is supposed to be the closest one on earth?

    Through the years I have never felt comfortable or given much thought to the “appropriateness” of seducing my husband. Yikes! Is that allowed? Is that right? I am not a prudish woman–don’t get me wrong. I consider myself a stylish woman, but I suppose I have had the traditional idea of how married life is “supposed to be lived out.” Even when we were intimate, I didn’t think it was “right” to tell him what I like or ask him. We should just “figure it out”, right?!

    Recently, I’ve had a renewed desire to see if it is right/appropriate/possible to bring change to this nearly-dead part of our marriage. Only in the last couple of weeks have I been exploring this more, having remembered a reference years back to themarriagebed.com and just discovering the previously mentioned website by Sheila Wray Gregoire (Love, Honor, and Vacuum).

    I am SO grateful to have found these new resources. I’m still not sure how to flesh this all out (pun subconsciously intended?), but I have renewed hope!

  11. I simply cannot tell you how grateful I am that you started this blog. I , too , am a Spicy wife with a husband who has no clue why his drive is lower than mine. After reading your entries, I sat here and cried, finally, someone else who echoes my feelings, and they run the gamet from sadness to inadequacy and everything in between.

    I thank God for you and your blog… thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so grateful to be able to travel this road with others like myself.
    blessings ya’ll!

  12. Hi Annabel, just found your blog! As TMB said it is very much needed. I think that the situation of having the wife with the higher drive is actually more common than most believe. I think it is important to have a resource for wives who are dealing with refusal just as much as husbands (which is more along the lines of what I often discuss). Thanks for this resource and I will definitely send over some of my readers!

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