It’s a hard day. We have gone almost 6 weeks and only had sex once. I am sad, frustrated, lonely. There are layers upon layers of reasons why we haven’t had sex, maybe one day I will get into them all. But today, today I am leaning heavily on grace. Or perhaps, I should say, I need to be.
When I don’t have sex for so long I find myself…well, becoming a bit of a b****. The truth is that sometimes I want my husband to hurt as bad as I hurt. So I find myself doing little unkind things. Not answering his questions kindly. Being snarky, sometimes downright rude. Last night our littlest woke up in the middle of the night. I was tired, and super grumpy. My husband tried to help, but I completely ignored him…even pulled away from him when he tried to reach for my arm.
When I don’t have sex, I am a worse mom. More impatient.
The thing is, it’s time yet again for another “sex talk”. Where I ask him why we haven’t had sex, where I ask him to please pursue me sexually. But I am avoiding it. We have had so many of those. So, so many. And my heart is just plain weary.
But weary or not, sexually satisfied or not, my choices belong completely to me. So if I choose to be unkind, then its my sin. Irregardless of his actions, my responses belong to me alone.
Oh, it is SO HARD to walk in grace when I am angry and hurting.
Will you pray for me today? I will pray for you too, whoever you are. GRACE. The ability to receive it and give it…give out of the Endless Source.
Thanks for your prayers today,