Keeping pure within marriage, pt.II

A few days ago I talked about how I am ripe for an adulterous affair. And I talked about things I actively DON’T DO to help me stay strong. Today I want to talk about things I proactively DO to protect my marriage. One of my favorite books about marriage is by Sheldon Vanauken, A Severe Mercy. It is a beautiful story. In it Sheldon talks about how he & his wife built a “shining barrier” to anything that would destroy their love. While the story goes on to talk about how their love was ultimately tested by faith in God, the analogy of a shining barrier sticks with me.

How do I build a shining barrier around my marriage? Here are a few ways I am learning:

1. Move. Literally.
As a high desire wife, I often find myself with extra energy. If I sit around and do nothing, that energy turns into anger and bitterness. Intentional movement helps me to spend some of my sexual energy. This could mean anything from a walk to cleaning the house to going grocery shopping. Sometimes I just need to get off my butt & MOVE. So if you are struggling with a high drive – TIRE YOURSELF OUT. It won’t fix everything, but it will help.

2. Counseling
Okay ladies, this one is HUGE. If there is any way you can get in to see a trusted counselor – DO IT. I have a (minimum) once a month appointment with a wonderful female Christian counselor. She is a safe place for me to say all of the really hard & sometimes horrible things that I think. She guides me towards Truth. She listens to me cry. She is SAFE. And while she doesn’t fix all my problems, she is literally the only person in the world who knows everything about my marriage & life. One of the hardest parts about being a high desire spouse is that it is so, so, so incredibly lonely. I don’t know a single peer friend who has the same struggle I do. (Of course, they may and just not talk about it.) It’s so taboo. One of the greatest ways I can keep my sanity is simply by knowing I have a safe place to vent. It is one of the healthiest ways to “let off steam” because I am not just griping. I am seeking counsel. So find a wise woman whose marriage you respect who can help you walk through life and go pour out your heart to her.

3. Worship Music
I fill my home with God-honoring music. Music is so emotional. If I listen to sexy music, it’s not going to help my sex drive at all. I don’t need sexy music to have a sex drive. What is sexy music? Well, anything that might be played in a night club is a good place to start. Anything that pulls you back to the “good old days” before you were married or walking through this challenging time. For me, I sometimes have to avoid melancholy music too (Coldplay is one of the hardest for me, for some reason). But if I put on some awesome worship? It lifts my whole day. It puts my eyes where they need to be – ON CHRIST. And off of my lack of sexual encounters.

4. Early to rise
I really struggle with this one, but when I am able to do it I notice a HUGE difference in my day and attitude. Up early, in the word, journaling, making a game plan for the day. In some ways this goes back to the idea of moving. It is being intentional to live a life irregardless of my sex-poor marriage. I want to hear “well done, good and faithful servant” on that final day. And if this is a cross I bear, then let me do so with all the help I can get. Early mornings help me focus my eyes on the One Called Alongside To Help, the Spirit of Truth and Life. The old hymn comes to mind, “I need Thee, Lord, I need Thee. Every hour, I need Thee”. I encourage you to set your alarm for a little earlier to help you get ready for your day.

One of thingsI have seen discussed around the internet world regarding a sex-poor marriage is masturbation. I haven’t touched on it here because I am working on a whole post devoted to my thoughts on this topic. In the meantime, I hope this helps you think of some things you can do to help guard your marriage and heart. Do any others come to mind? Please share!

Pray for me today, sisters. I need strength to do the things that I know I ought to do. I need help to continue to extend mercy and kindness. And I will pray for you. I will pray for creative ways to guard your hearts and home. I will pray for divine protection against schemes created to destroy you and your marriage.

Until next time, dear women of God-

6 thoughts on “Keeping pure within marriage, pt.II

  1. I have ound when the anger and bitterness rise up it helps me to go against satan and instead of letting that get to me i purposely, right in that moment, either look at my husband, text him, or call him and say something poaitive to him… Something i am thankful for that he does for me and the kids, something i like about him or sometimes just to say i love you. I have noticed that the more i have done that lately the more i have been attacked with the anger and resentment but it immediately dissapates when i do that and my husband knows how much i am trying because we have discussed my hirt and how i feel and he is truly sorry for that… In return for my efforts he ha begun to show me more affection in other areas (holding my hand, pulling me close to cuddle at night, etc.) which he never used to do. Hope gis helps some :). Prayers with you

  2. Interesting blog you have here. So often we’ve been taught that only us guys have the higher drive. Only recently have I discovered that this isn’t true, that women too, struggle with the same urges and temptations. As I’m the higher drive spouse of my marriage, I’ve often found that if I focus more on God and serving others, then my sexual urges are so much easier to control. They don’t go away completely, but they’re not as strong as before.

  3. I am so happy to find your blog! I could have written the same exact things! This is something I also struggle with, and always get so frustrated when I read blogs and articles about the opposite problem in marriage. I will be praying for you as you encourage and share with all of us. Thanks for opening your heart and marriage!

  4. I was recently asked to start a blog for high drive, refused wives, but I didn’t feel led to start one, especially since the tables have turned for the better in my marriage, but let me tell you, from what I’m reading, we are kindred spirits!

    Keep active helps for certain and so do projects. Not only do they help burn off some of that extra energy and drive, but they give us a sense of self-worth. Often, as high drive wives who face refusal, we begin to question our worth and value as women. Are we attractive enough, etc? Having a goal, purpose, hobby, whathaveyou helps in that area.

    Rising early helps, too as it gives me a quiet time with the Lord. If I linger in bed, I am more prone to the temptation of fantasizing and/or MBing.

    Keeping the computer on can be a den of temptation for comparisons as you said, but also in forging emotional affairs (thankfully, I find that easy to avoid and don’t even want in the least), and even looking at porn.

    My personal thoughts on MBing is that it should be avoided. In all honesty, having been there, it does little to nothing to improve anything. There are times I’ve been soooooo starving for sex and so aroused that I literally could not function very well otherwise. Burning!! I’ve found that praying when the urge comes helps. It is OK to ask God if He approves. That is between you and God.

  5. I sometimes feel even more alone… unlike most women (or anyone) with high sex drive, I have medical problems which leave me exhausted and in pain 24/7. I’d love nothing more than to do things like get up early and exercise. I do the best I can. Usually push myself too hard. When I exercise, I temporarily forget all my problems, but it passes as soon as the immediate pain during exercise passes, and then afterwards I ache for days and my problems are still there and just as painful. Exercise to me is little better than what I imagine alcohol and drugs are – a temporary way to forget things, but afterwards you’re in pain and sick and your problems are still there.

    For most people, this isn’t the case. But being a person with a medical condition but still with a higher sex drive than my husband, exercise just doesn’t work.

    I wouldn’t even describe myself as having a high sex drive. Just a normal one. Nothing compared to how high my first husband’s was.

    • I think the only way to understand our sex drives is in relation to our spouse. If one spouse wants sex 1x a week and the other 3x, then the 3x-a-week spouse is the higher drive spouse, even though they might have a lower drive compared to someone else.

      Praying that you find what does work to guard your heart.

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