I remember before I got married, how excited and nervous and scared I felt about sex. I was pretty scared of orgasm (it seemed it would be the most vulnerable moment and that was terrifying), but I suspected I had a healthy sex drive and I couldn’t wait to finally have a place to express it! Mr. Spice & I both came into our marriage as virgins. I went into marriage with the expectations that I think all brides have – I am going to have less of a sex drive than my husband…
Well, I was wrong. Incredibly wrong. I went searching for answers. I tried reading books about sex, and blogs about being a Godly wife. While they all had something good to teach me, I felt like screaming every time they said, “Wives – love your husbands by being willing to have sex with them even when you don’t want to.”
Ummmm…and when was that?? I am pretty much a “spicy” wife at any time of the month, at any time of the day. Maybe if I was having sex daily then I wouldn’t be, but at this point Mr. Spice could come at me at 3 a.m. and I would gladly respond. Truth be told – I think I actually threw a book across my room once because I was so tired of hearing a message I could not relate to. Even more, I despaired because I couldn’t seem to find anyone else in my situation. Was I that weird? How was there not one single resource (among the seemingly millions of Christian resources out there) for me?
What was most despairing was the fact that, if I was honest with myself, I got more help from reading the “husband section” of the sex books than the “wife section”. How to be patient and loving. How to not overwhelm your spouse with your drive for sex. And can I tell you something? There is NOTHING more discouraging and de-feminizing than having to read the man’s part of a sex book. I would walk away feeling so broken.
– I am wired differently from every other female out there
– Maybe God made a mistake in the gender He made me
– Obviously I must be a “slut” because no one else seems to have this “high desire problem”
– I am so weird, there is no other woman like me
– Am I truly feminine?
Nothing attacks my femininity more than having a high sex drive and being in a sex-poor marriage. I had one reader say that due to her sex-poor marriage she struggled with her self-esteem and her weight. I can relate. If I am not getting enough sex, I struggle with depression, anxiety, irritability, over eating and weight gain. And on top of needing sex, I struggle with feeling like a messed-up, broken, totally weird woman. I think to myself, “I must not be feminine at all. If I were normal I wouldn’t want to have sex this much. I wouldn’t need it this badly! Husbands are supposed to be the high desire spouse, not wives! I must be so, so messed up.”
Dear sisters – this is a lie from the pit of hell. And personally? This is a lie I often have to combat. I am not perfect. I haven’t reached a place where I can say that my stronger sex drive doesn’t bother me at all. But I am learning to accept how I have been made. All of me. I love this passage regarding how we were made:
Psalm 139: 13-14 (The Message)
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
Our sex drive is crafted by a loving and good Father. It is a good gift, even if it can feel like a cosmic joke on us. It isn’t. As James says, “So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.” (1:16-18, The Message)
You are no less feminine for having the stronger sex drive. You are no less lovely for being a high desire woman. You are no less beautiful because you are sexually awake.
I am praying for you today. I am praying that you would see yourself as God sees you. That you would embrace your sex drive as a gift. Praying that your husband’s eyes would be open to that gift. Pray for me today too, dear sisters. Pray that I have eyes to see myself as beautiful. Pray that I would reject any lies whispered in my heart concerning my femininity.
Ladies, we are not alone. There are thousands of us out there. Let us stand together, unashamed.
We are “spicy”. God has made us that way.
We are beautiful, radiant, daughters of the King.
How I wish I could hug each of you & pull you into my living room to share a cup of coffee with me! We would talk and laugh and cry. We would pray together. Then we would drink another cup of coffee. And have a bite of dessert. Or two 😉