A “spicy” wife asks, “Am I truly feminine?”

I remember before I got married, how excited and nervous and scared I felt about sex. I was pretty scared of orgasm (it seemed it would be the most vulnerable moment and that was terrifying), but I suspected I had a healthy sex drive and I couldn’t wait to finally have a place to express it! Mr. Spice & I both came into our marriage as virgins. I went into marriage  with the expectations that I think all brides have – I am going to have less of a sex drive than my husband…

Well, I was wrong. Incredibly wrong. I went searching for answers. I tried reading books about sex, and blogs about being a Godly wife. While they all had something good to teach me, I felt like screaming every time they said, “Wives – love your husbands by being willing to have sex with them even when you don’t want to.”
Ummmm…and when was that?? I am pretty much a “spicy” wife at any time of the month, at any time of the day. Maybe if I was having sex daily then I wouldn’t be, but at this point Mr. Spice could come at me at 3 a.m. and I would gladly respond. Truth be told – I think I actually threw a book across my room once because I was so tired of hearing a message I could not relate to. Even more, I despaired because I couldn’t seem to find anyone else in my situation. Was I that weird? How was there not one single resource (among the seemingly millions of Christian resources out there) for me?

What was most despairing was the fact that, if I was honest with myself, I got more help from reading the “husband section” of the sex books than the “wife section”. How to be patient and loving. How to not overwhelm your spouse with your drive for sex. And can I tell you something? There is NOTHING more discouraging and de-feminizing than having to read the man’s part of a sex book. I would walk away feeling so broken

My thoughts?
– I am wired differently from every other female out there
– Maybe God made a mistake in the gender He made me
– Obviously I must be a “slut” because no one else seems to have this “high desire problem”
– I am so weird, there is no other woman like me
– Am I truly feminine?

Nothing attacks my femininity more than having a high sex drive and being in a sex-poor marriage. I had one reader say that due to her sex-poor marriage she struggled with her self-esteem and her weight. I can relate. If I am not getting enough sex, I struggle with depression, anxiety, irritability, over eating and weight gain. And on top of needing sex, I struggle with feeling like a messed-up, broken, totally weird woman. I think to myself, “I must not be feminine at all. If I were normal I wouldn’t want to have sex this much. I wouldn’t need it this badly! Husbands are supposed to be the high desire spouse, not wives! I must be so, so messed up.”

Dear sisters – this is a lie from the pit of hell. And personally?  This is a lie I often have to combat. I am not perfect. I haven’t reached a place where I can say that my stronger sex drive doesn’t bother me at all. But I am learning to accept how I have been made. All of me. I love this passage regarding how we were made:

Psalm 139: 13-14 (The Message)
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

Our sex drive is crafted by a loving and good Father. It is a good gift, even if it can feel like a cosmic joke on us. It isn’t.  As James says, “So, my very dear friends, don’t get thrown off course. Every desirable and beneficial gift comes out of heaven. The gifts are rivers of light cascading down from the Father of Light. There is nothing deceitful in God, nothing two-faced, nothing fickle. He brought us to life using the true Word, showing us off as the crown of all his creatures.” (1:16-18, The Message)

You are no less feminine for having the stronger sex drive. You are no less lovely for being a high desire woman. You are no less beautiful because you are sexually awake.

I am praying for you today. I am praying that you would see yourself as God sees you. That you would embrace your sex drive as a gift. Praying that your husband’s eyes would be open to that gift. Pray for me today too, dear sisters. Pray that I have eyes to see myself as beautiful. Pray that I would reject any lies whispered in my heart concerning my femininity.

Ladies, we are not alone. There are thousands of us out there. Let us stand together, unashamed.
We are “spicy”. God has made us that way.
We are beautiful, radiant, daughters of the King.

How I wish I could hug each of you & pull you into my living room to share a cup of coffee with me! We would talk and laugh and cry. We would pray together. Then we would drink another cup of coffee. And have a bite of dessert. Or two 😉


15 thoughts on “A “spicy” wife asks, “Am I truly feminine?”

  1. Wish we could have that coffee, laugh, cry and pray together. Thank you for sharing your heart so I can continue on this exhausting path but know that there is hope, if I keep my eyes on Jesus. Almost daily I have to remember He is my source of love even before my husband. I have felt most, if not all, of the emotions you talk about. Many days I feel like a freak because my mind is filled with thoughts of how can I “encourage” my spouse to want more sex and intimacy with me? And to initiate it once in a while? We were not virgins when we married and sometimes I also feel like God is punishing me for past sins. I know this is the devil having his way in my mind and I must focus on my Father and His love and grace. Some days it’s just very, very difficult. I don’t always remember verses but songs do help me, too. The one playing in my head today is…. Grace, grace, God’s grace, grace that is greater than all my sin!
    Thank you for your prayers, I will pray for you, too!

  2. Almost 42 years married, and I am still spicy!
    Don’t fight it ladies, enjoy it ~ I know your husbands do!

  3. Imagine how immasculating it can be for a man to have a lower drive than his wife and to know he’s not meeting her needs!

    I didn’t feel unfeminine or slutty. I felt unloved and ugly. I’m more confused about hubby’s lower drive than my higher drive. I remember one time one of hubby’s friends made a little remark about hubby and I having “alone time.” I responded favorably, but hubby said something to his friends along the lines of not wanting it and me wanting it all the time. His friend looked at hubby like he had 3 heads! His friend responded that he wished his woman was like me. So, what was wrong with me that I was “every man’s fantasy” but my husbands? Every man I knew wanted their woman to have a drive like mine, but my hubby found it annoying, overwhelming and bothersome.

    Then, as I started seeking answers through Christian groups and blogs, I almost always wound up in the men’s camp surrounded by men complaining about their wives’ lack of drive and again telling me they wish their wife was like me. I had to leave because I starting thinking that maybe it would have been better if one of those guys married me and hubby married one one of the wives being complained about. Why are so many Christian married couples so unequally yoked in the bedroom!!!??!!

    After I escaped that temptation, I just wished I’d lose my sex drive so I wouldn’t feel such pain in lack of frequency, lack of being brought to orgasm and all the rejection. I was also sick of that drive knocking on my hormonal door and tempting me at every turn to masturbate and/or look at porn. Here I was holding a precious gift from God in my hands and I knew it. I didn’t want it gone. I wanted it savored and enjoyed by my husband. I wanted my husband to feel like the luckiest man alive that he isn’t burdened with a low or no drive wife. But since, I didn’t have it and still don’t to some degree, I wished it would go away to spare me the pain. I compromised and prayed that the Lord would tone it down and make it bearable…a smouldering, glowing lump of coal ready to burst back into dancing flames of passion for my husband.

    • LIBL,

      I hear you! I think that, in so many different ways, being the high drive wife makes us question ourselves. I hope this post encouraged you that you are beautiful and you are loved by the Husband of your heart. I KNOW that sometimes that doesn’t “feel” like enough…believe me, I know. But I am praying that my own heart stand convinced & convicted of that truth.
      Praying for your marriage & the pain in your heart. I would love to encourage you to find a safe place (i.e. counseling, pastor, etc.) to really talk about the pain. I know it makes a world of difference for me & allows me the ability to get some of the anger out without losing control.

      May your heart (and mine!) be healed.

    • It’s so painful to go through this not once but twice. I have never had sex outside of marriage. I was ready, willing and available for my first husband 24/7 – instead he chose to have multiple mistresses and even “man-stresses” and a few that were a bit of both (don’t even ask if you don’t know what I mean because I guarantee you don’t want to know).

      And now my second husband doesn’t want me either. I am ugly and I know my first husband never loved me – he rubbed that into my face for years on end. He only stopped because the mistress who became his second wife grew jealous of the “attention” he was giving me by continuing to stalk me years after he seperated.

      My second husband hates what I look like (his word was dislikes but it may as well be hate) and I don’t feel loved.

  4. I LOVED this. You are the most encouraging, godly woman I know and I wish I knew you in real life. Everytime I read your blogs, it’s as if you are me and I am you. I would have never thought that another woman of God would have the same, exact dilemma. As for me, coming from a Hispanic community, the topic of sex is a lot more taboo than the caucasian community, so I can not talk to ANYONE about this. My heart SCREAMS and longs to vent, so I thank the Lord for you. He has truly put your blog in my path. ❤

  5. It’s like your blog posts and many of the comments here could be entries in a journal that I just can’t bring myself to write.
    The good news, for me, is that it has gotten better. With time, trust, open communication, and doctor visits (my hubby’s testosterone is on the low side), we are in a much better place than we were a couple years ago.
    But I still have those dark “I’m a freak/broken/undesirable” moments from time to time.
    I’m glad you are here.

    • I have a journal that will need to be burned at some point, but writing it has been very healing.

  6. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so open with your struggles. Things have gotten much better for us but I am generally still high-drive than he is. This is the biggest piece of baggage I have from our really dark days. It always seems to rear it’s ugly head when our drives start diverging again. You write beautifully and with such an open heart. What a blessing you are.

  7. I cannot express my appreciation enough for your words. I found your blog through another blog that I found in my desperation to find ways to connect to my not so spicey husband. Frustration has rang in the caverns of my heart as I felt like I was the weird one, why do I desire sex so much and he could pass for months on end?! Your blog, although I have only read for a few minutes has brought tears streaming down my cheeks. Thank you! I look forward to becoming friends and sitting on my couch reading your thoughts and encouragement in the days to come.

  8. I feel as though I have found my new BFF! I’m a newlywed… just celebrated our 1 month anniversary & I’m having a hard time with this. Trying to talk to friends about this is difficult, and not only can I not afford a counselor at this time, I AM one, so it seems a little embarrassing that I’m struggling with this & makes me not want to seek counseling at all. In a way I feel like I should just be able to “get over it”. Thanks for breaking from the mold, and speaking out about this!

    • Welcome to being a spicy wife and what a grace that you are seeking help so early! Took me years before I was able to admit to even myself that I had a higher drive than my husband. And you should know (as a counselor) that getting help early is the BEST thing you can do for yourself 🙂 So I will pray with you that God would lead you to the RIGHT counsel. I know how important it is to get the right woman to connect with.
      Glad you are here & thanks for the encouragement!

  9. It seems so unfair that God created us ‘spicy’, and where do we turn to in times of despair, not knowing how to respond to our needs….I have turned to the bottle….I know its temporary….doesn’t help actually….rather brings about tears and anger, frustration….the answers all seem there…but how to step forward….oh I wish we could all have that coffee and Kleenex time together….I always felt like I was a slut….and I married a man whose father was a church minister and he was brought up in a very orthodox Christian church….and my husband once told me that having sex was for the purpose of reproduction….and To make matters worse, i never bore any children of my own….now I have adopted a son….but now my son enjoys his fathers company more than mine…..even more rejection….now I have to battle with two issues….can it get any worse….do I really have to pass in these trails….I don’t have that strength.

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