Having “the talk”

A few weeks ago my husband and I had a groundbreaking discussion about sex. I am so grateful that he really heard me, and things have been different in our marriage bed since then. I wanted to give you a few thoughts about how to approach this subject – especially as a high drive wife.

1. Realize you are dealing with a sensitive topic
I think that often low desire husbands are aware (even if they don’t say so) that they are “different” than media portrays. They know they don’t want sex as much as the average guy. Now there are several reasons that a man might have a low drive. I highly recommend this post to research a few of those ways. However, sometimes a man just simply has a lower drive than his wife. Often as women we think that our men can’t be hurt, or are somehow made of stone. That just isn’t true – your words matter. You have the power of life & death over his masculine heart. So couch your words in grace and love.

2. Find a way to communicate in his language
I heard this tip a few years ago, and it’s one of the most practical marriage tips I ever received. When you are approaching your husband about an issue where you don’t see eye to eye, try to explain it in words that make sense to him. So what makes sense to your husband? Football? Marketing? Money? Speak to him with words he can hear. For instance, my husband loves soccer. So I can try to explain to him how a lack of sex for me is like sending 1/2 of a soccer team out onto the field and expecting a victory. The team might play hard, and even enjoy playing, but will ultimately lose. It’s like that for me with sex in marriage. I enjoy being married. I give of myself and know it is a good thing. But it’s like I am missing half the team – I will ultimately feel like I am losing. This approach doesn’t mean that your husband will agree, necessarily – but it can help him see it from your side.

3. Be honest, but loving
This is one of the hardest balances to strike. How do I be honest with my husband and yet loving in my words? The Bible says that “a soft answer turns away wrath”. And if I approach my husband harshly, or with demanding, or an “I deserve better” attitude – I will drive him away. When I talked to my husband a few weeks ago, it was with tears and a soft heart. The tears were NOT manipulating, but I was honestly broken by the lack of sex and he saw it. I was able to tell him how vulnerable my heart is, and ask him to help protect me from the Enemy’s attack.

4. Covered with prayer
This is the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do before talking to your husband about sex. Pray. Pray that God would give him a soft and understanding heart. Pray that your words would be seasoned with grace. Pray mostly for your own heart -that you wouldn’t speak from bitterness or anger. Pray for the right timing, and watch for when that timing comes. Don’t try to force the conversation when you are tired, or hungry, or upset about something else. Find a neutral time when it is safe. Find a neutral place (i.e. laying in your bed at night before sleeping probably isn’t it). Ask God to help you hear the whisper of His voice when the time is right.

5. Accept the journey
One conversation probably won’t completely change everything. Be open to that. Approach this conversation as the first of many. Sex in marriage is not static, so don’t think talking about it one time will be the end-all. If you can see this conversation as an opening of your heart so that further conversations can be had, then you won’t feel the pressure to try and “fix” everything with this one talk. Hopefully this conversation will be the way to open the door between you so that you can continue to talk.

Praying for you today, dear friends. Praying that God would open a door of conversation for you in your marriages. Praying that your husbands would hear your heart. Praying for change to come.

Annabel

8 thoughts on “Having “the talk”

  1. My husband is what I would have labeled a “low driver”
    BUT ~ I realized, after I really started living a submissive & respectful wifelife, that
    I have a BRAND NEW HIGH DRIVER! I am not saying that all men are the same way.
    But wives, IF you really carry your biblical part and be respectful and submissive, you
    might find a different man in your bed!
    All those years, it was my fault! Thank God for Grace…….

    • Cindy,

      I love this story! While I agree not all men are the same way, I LOVE how you point to Biblical mandates to submit and respect our husbands…it is so, so true. Our responsibility is completely disconnected from our husband’s responses, and I love that the changes you saw in your marriage were reflected in your marriage bed. What a wonderful gift & I celebrate it!
      Annabel

      • Thank you!
        As a pastors wife and a wife with a burden to help others, my daughter and I have a FB page for christian wives that we deal with this and other intimate aspects of a true Bible Marraige. We share info like yours and others there also.
        It amazes me that for many years I thought I was being such a good wife by telling him what to do and how to do it. Praise the Lord I FINALLY see that is not my role or place.

    • Cindy, I had exactly the same experience as you. I read ‘The Surrendered Wife’ about a year ago (not a Christian book, but unwittingly very biblically-based) and gradually started letting go of my death-grip on control, not trying to micro-manage, allowing my husband to make the mistakes that enable him to grow, etc. I don’t do it perfectly by any means, but my husband is like a different man in bed. Not only in bed, but he’s started taking the lead more in our spiritual life and in trying to lead our marriage in a godly way.
      Like Cindy says, that’s not true of all men – I’m sure many readers of this blog are already relating to their husbands in a calm and respectful way. But if you’re not, it is so worth doing. I guess God really did know what He was doing with His mandate to wives in Ephesians and 1 Peter!

  2. This is a great list of reminders you have compiled here. I will have to refer back to this whenever I’m ready to sit and talk some more. Thank you for this post.

  3. I love the God aspect of listening for His timing. I have been forcing conversations and not realizing that my husband might be hurting in knowing I have a higher drive that he feels he can’t satisfy or keep up with. I never thought he might be hurting. I will talk to God about this first and see where He leads. thanks Annabel.

  4. Pingback: One More & I’ll Go Insane! | Hot, Holy & Humorous

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