Go low

As a high drive wife, I have often found myself frustrated that I am sexually pursuing my husband. There have been so many times I have wished it was the other way around – want to be pursued! It has made me sad, angry and embittered against Mr. Spice that he can often seem to forget sex is even a part of our marriage. I will be counting the days since we last had sex, and he won’t even seem to notice. The problem is that I will sit and stew over the injustice of it all, and my heart will began to criticize him in other arenas as well. I will began to see lack (whether real or perceived)  in his spiritual leadership, in the way he leads our house financially. Dear sisters – this is sin. It is wrong for me to grow angry against my husband and complain and murmur when I am doing nothing to fix it. It is wrong for me to begrudge the marriage the Lord has given me because it is hard.

A few weeks ago as I sat and talked with my counselor about this, she gave me some wise words – “So you initiate sex…get over it.” Ouch. But? It is truth. I need to grow up.
I need to accept that in our marriage, at this point, I am the primary initiator of sex. My husband is a very busy man. His job demands so much of him. He often works 60+ hours a week, with 15+ additional hours at home. And you know what? He is such an amazing father. He does so much around the house even with his busy schedule. He is a great friend. And the reality is that he is so tired he will often forgo something he needs to get work done. Like eating. Or sex. And so, in order to love him well and keep our marriage healthy, I have to “go low”, to humble myself and pursue him sexually.

It is so important that I pursue all of him, but all of him includes his sexuality. And if I am selfish and bitter and refuse to love him and our marriage by making him in charge of sexual encounters, than I am the one in the wrong. As a wife, I am called alongside to serve my husband. It is my Biblical mandate to be his helper. And you know what helps him when he is stressed? Sex. So I need to lovingly and selflessly pursue him to that end. I need to see that it is my responsibility, honor and joy to serve my husband by pursuing him sexually. Even if it doesn’t “fit the norm” of what so many marriages look like. Who cares?? I honor the Lord by serving my husband.

Practically speaking, that usually means trying to let him know in advance that I would like to have sex, so he has enough time to get to bed & get sleep before his 5 a.m. alarm clock. Right now it means we might need to practice the art of the “quicky”. Which means I need to be preparing myself mentally so that I can orgasm faster, or be willing not to orgasm at all. It also means I look at his schedule to see when he will be needing to work at home, and planning not to seduce him on those nights. It means I am willing to plan, schedule, think out and prepare for our sexual encounters. It means I stop keeping score; that I willingly and joyfully take the onus of responsibility where our sex life is concerned. That I “grow up in Christ” into an wife who is willing to serve her husband in all things. 

Of course, if you are in a marriage where you are refused then pursuing your husband to no end probably isn’t the wisest choice.  Putting yourself out there comes with a lot of worry and pain. Rejection is SO HARD, so gut-wrenching. I know – I have been there too many times. I grieve with you, dear sister. I pray wholeness and healing over your marriage. I pray that you would have eyes to see where you might need growth and healing. I pray that you let go of areas you have no control over. I pray life, hope and peace to your heart. I pray completely restoration to your marriage.

To other “spicy” wives out there, I encourage you to stop keeping score of who has initiated. Stop comparing yourself to Hollywood’s picture of male and female sexuality. Start asking God to help you stay humble and pursue your husband with graceful and feminine seduction.

Praying for you today, wonderful women. I would love to hear from you – I feel like several of you have become dear friends and how I wish you and I could have tea together today!

Hope you are enjoying fall wherever you are,

24 thoughts on “Go low

  1. I remember those days……. hang in there!
    We are to the point in our life now that we both are in the same drive, no children at home,
    ALMOST time for him to go semi-retired.
    Later in life it all levels out and becomes so much fun!

  2. I am married to an unbelieving spouse who is also addicted to porn. Therefore, intimacy is non existent. Yes, the Lord has called me to be a Godly wife, to humble myself, to pursue my husband and be his help mate. I am finding this to be extremely difficult because we are in completely different places. It has been this way for so long. My hubby refuses to seek help. He refuses to deal with any of the issues. I want to honor my Lord but I am finding it so hard to deal with the loneliness and rejection!

    • Dear sister,

      My heart grieves for you. I believe you are in a very different situation than what I was writing about above. Your husband is in need of the redemption of Christ, and until there is repentance he will never see the need to change. In fact, the world and Hollywood say that pornography is no big deal, so unless his heart is convicted by the Holy Spirit he will probably never see the need to “deal with any of the issues”.
      Here are my prayers for you today – that you would find a life-giving body of believers to connect with; that you would find true, Christ-facing friends who can pray with you and be a strength and encouragement to you; that God would open your husband’s eyes and he would be drawn to the fruit of the Gospel in your life. May your soft, feminine, submissive heart be a light to him. May your strength, encouragement and hope be found in our Savior and the fellowship of the family of God.

      Please know I am lifting you up before our Father today,

  3. Mrs. Spice, I just found your blog today, and boy, what a relief! God bless you for having the (God-given) guts to speak out! You aren’t alone. This post especially has touched my heart. I can identify with almost every sentence you wrote. I think this post has hit the nail on the head and (if I choose to follow your great advice) will be THE MOST influential marriage post I’ve ever read. It’s about getting over my selfishness, I guess, and being willing to give.
    Thank you so much.
    (not that it will be easy!)

  4. Wow, this is so how it becomes with me when days or even a week go by without sex with my husband. I find myself becoming embittered and angry towards him and finding other faults to dwell on and then suddenly I feel so out of control of my feelings. I actually make myself feel worse.

    When I start feeling this coming on I try to focus on everything good about him and helps, but it is still hard having to be the pursuer.

    I’m feeling led to talk about this with my husband, to just lay out my thoughts and feelings on the table and then take the initiative and start pursuing my husband. 🙂

    • Aimee,

      Praying for you!! May God grace your words with wisdom and peace. May your husband truly see your heart & may you have the courage to “go low” and serve him, your marriage, and ultimately the Father.

      Love you & thanks for connecting here.

  5. Wow. This is exactly something I needed to hear. I get so tired of being the one to “pursue”.. Thank you so much!!

  6. I just talked to my husband a couple of days ago, lamenting because I wanted to feel pursued. I appreciate this post so much, and I will definitely go on from here, not keeping score of who is initiating, but humbling myself and going after my husband!

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  8. I’m wondering why our sex lives can’t be like those we see on TV, Movies, Hollywood Style? Am I the only women watching that love scene thinking “man, i would love my husband to do that!” Doesn’t scripture portray a steamy sex life in song of soloman? I struggle with the “quickie” ALL the time. By-product of being infertile for 7 years and trying to get pregnant when the stick turns blue and the temperature spikes. We are having lots of trouble getting back into the early years when we spent more time with each other, foreplay and kissing. I too have built up lots of angry and bitter thoughts towards my mate. I pray that sharing with one another and encouragement that i read from the blogs will change my heart, soul and mind towards being patient, loving, kind and willing to change. To honor God first, and my husband second, which leaves me….last. And that’s okay. Thanks so much for starting this site, may God bless you as you continue to bless others.

  9. What do you do though when your spouse NEVER initiates. Even on the honeymoon. We’ve only been married a few months (neither of us having had sex outside of marriage – this being my second marriage, his first).
    In a three week honeymoon, we barely had sex six times. We’re in our 20s and healthy.
    He’s not even interested in a quickie – I am. Actually I’d much prefer a quickie than the time it takes my husband to orgasm. I don’t care about orgasms. It’s not why I have sex. He’s not interested in anything. Just constantly rejects my advances. Since our honeymoon, we’re averaging once a month.
    It’s crushing me to be constantly turned down. I’m not constantly asking him – just a couple of times a week.
    He doesn’t want sex to destress. He doesn’t want me to pursue him at all. He just doesn’t want sex.
    It’s not because he’s busy or stressed. He wasn’t working the three weeks of the honeymoon and been on leave most of the time since. Money isn’t a problem because he has paid leave. With the wedding over, we have no other stress.
    We want to have kids, but how can we when he doesn’t want to ever initiate and rejects me constantly when I initiate, so much so that we’re only having sex once a month now. It’s not even possible to get pregnant.
    This is our first year of marriage still. He really wants to have to kids, but how can we without sex?

    • Dear sister,

      I am grieving with you as I have read through so many of your comments here. Please know that I am standing with you for complete healing and wholeness in your heart and in your marriage bed.

      Obviously you cannot have children without sex, but even more, you cannot have a whole relationship without unity in all areas of your marriage, including sexually.

      I believe that there are some really deep-seated challenges that you and your husband are facing, and I urge you to find Godly counsel with a pastor or Christian counselor.

      Praying for you!

      • Brokenwings, I have been in your exact situation. Being a virgin when I married at 20 and having an “experienced” husband I thought he would be thrilled once we married and could have all the sex we wanted. Our 2 week honeymoon included 3 times of intimacy. One night our hotel room had 2 beds and I slept in a separate one once he was asleep b/c I was so wounded from being rejected. I can’t say that it will all get better b/c we’ve been married 16 years and he’s still the same. The thing I can tell you though is that I do believe my husband loves me. I don’t know why he is the way he is and I don’t understand why God would have me marry a man like this while my drive is so high (I even prayed my drive would decrease) I just wanted to encourage you by letting you know that you are not the only one to have gone through this. I was shocked to read your post as I thought for sure I was the only woman who ever had a honeymoon with very low encounters. I have just found this site and am going to try to pray as Annabel suggests. I will pray for you too.

    • Brokenwings, my heart aches with you! My husband has refused me for 7 months this time. There have been many times of drought. He has refused me most of our marriage, only having sex once every month or two when things are really good. But, God has blessed us with 2 precious little boys in spite of the near impossibility of it. I am so glad I found this site. I am praying for you now, and our other sisters here. May we together stand against the enemy as we fight for healing in our marriages.

  10. Chronic pain, a switch in roles, weight gain…. Once a year isn’t enough. I’m thankful I can’t work, as I fear temptation. Soma and other feminine clothes don’t help. Blood work is fine. Other things are more interesting to him, so learning to become calloused to intimacy, and enjoy our friendship. How I wish to be so “beautiful ” again… I don’t even know what or how anymore! I feel dead.

    • Cathy,

      I am so sorry for your grieving heart, and pray that you will find healing and wholeness in Christ this year. Praying your heart would not grow calloused but brave – so very, very brave. Praying you would see yourself as God sees you, and that your husband’s heart would grow in love and tenderness towards you. Praying your heart would be like the valley of dry bones & come to life. Standing with you, sister.

  11. I loved this post! I too am the primary initiator in my marriage. I have approached my husband a couple of times asking him to pursue me more and every single, time it turned into an argument. I’ve come to realize that when I do that, I’m emasculating him. I’m telling him he’s not meeting some standard I have that is, for him, unrealistic. The fact that we have a great sex life should be what I celebrate, because like you said, “who cares” who initiates at least it’s happening. Thank you for this post and I’m so happy I’ve found this blog… I’ve had so many “me too!” moments since reading your thoughts. Blessings!

  12. “…..Which means I need to be preparing myself mentally so that I can orgasm faster…….”

    HOW do you do that Annabel? Most of our sex is quickie’s so this would be awesome to learn until the seasons change in or marriage. I am high drive and I also would like to orgasm every time. I cannot relate to women who don;t mind not orgasm’ing, although right now I am having to learn how to do that without being resentful. I still LOVE sex but it is often hard to get to sleep afterwards, you know?


    • Lisa –

      It’s fun to see you going through the archives of the blog 🙂 Hope you are enjoying it! This is such a wonderful question that I might have to write a whole post on it.
      In short, for me, it’s thinking some pretty racy thoughts about my husband. And it’s paying attention to the way my body is responding and enjoying that response as fuel for more thoughts.

      I have so many more thoughts on this subject, so watch for a post soon!

      A 🙂

      • Thanks Annabel! A whole post would be awesome!! I AM going through your whole blog. From the very beginning. It’s wonderful, I must say!

        And, oh yeah, any suggestions on how to get to sleep if your engines are revved but no O? Cold shower. (Does that work for women?)

        I am LOVING being there for my husband after God finally freeing me from a lot of issues in the past (and present), but it has it’s challenges. I am beginning to think that I am definitely higher drive, but he is not toooooo much lower than me me.


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