As a high drive wife, I have often found myself frustrated that I am sexually pursuing my husband. There have been so many times I have wished it was the other way around – I want to be pursued! It has made me sad, angry and embittered against Mr. Spice that he can often seem to forget sex is even a part of our marriage. I will be counting the days since we last had sex, and he won’t even seem to notice. The problem is that I will sit and stew over the injustice of it all, and my heart will began to criticize him in other arenas as well. I will began to see lack (whether real or perceived) in his spiritual leadership, in the way he leads our house financially. Dear sisters – this is sin. It is wrong for me to grow angry against my husband and complain and murmur when I am doing nothing to fix it. It is wrong for me to begrudge the marriage the Lord has given me because it is hard.
A few weeks ago as I sat and talked with my counselor about this, she gave me some wise words – “So you initiate sex…get over it.” Ouch. But? It is truth. I need to grow up.
I need to accept that in our marriage, at this point, I am the primary initiator of sex. My husband is a very busy man. His job demands so much of him. He often works 60+ hours a week, with 15+ additional hours at home. And you know what? He is such an amazing father. He does so much around the house even with his busy schedule. He is a great friend. And the reality is that he is so tired he will often forgo something he needs to get work done. Like eating. Or sex. And so, in order to love him well and keep our marriage healthy, I have to “go low”, to humble myself and pursue him sexually.
It is so important that I pursue all of him, but all of him includes his sexuality. And if I am selfish and bitter and refuse to love him and our marriage by making him in charge of sexual encounters, than I am the one in the wrong. As a wife, I am called alongside to serve my husband. It is my Biblical mandate to be his helper. And you know what helps him when he is stressed? Sex. So I need to lovingly and selflessly pursue him to that end. I need to see that it is my responsibility, honor and joy to serve my husband by pursuing him sexually. Even if it doesn’t “fit the norm” of what so many marriages look like. Who cares?? I honor the Lord by serving my husband.
Practically speaking, that usually means trying to let him know in advance that I would like to have sex, so he has enough time to get to bed & get sleep before his 5 a.m. alarm clock. Right now it means we might need to practice the art of the “quicky”. Which means I need to be preparing myself mentally so that I can orgasm faster, or be willing not to orgasm at all. It also means I look at his schedule to see when he will be needing to work at home, and planning not to seduce him on those nights. It means I am willing to plan, schedule, think out and prepare for our sexual encounters. It means I stop keeping score; that I willingly and joyfully take the onus of responsibility where our sex life is concerned. That I “grow up in Christ” into an wife who is willing to serve her husband in all things.
Of course, if you are in a marriage where you are refused then pursuing your husband to no end probably isn’t the wisest choice. Putting yourself out there comes with a lot of worry and pain. Rejection is SO HARD, so gut-wrenching. I know – I have been there too many times. I grieve with you, dear sister. I pray wholeness and healing over your marriage. I pray that you would have eyes to see where you might need growth and healing. I pray that you let go of areas you have no control over. I pray life, hope and peace to your heart. I pray completely restoration to your marriage.
To other “spicy” wives out there, I encourage you to stop keeping score of who has initiated. Stop comparing yourself to Hollywood’s picture of male and female sexuality. Start asking God to help you stay humble and pursue your husband with graceful and feminine seduction.
Praying for you today, wonderful women. I would love to hear from you – I feel like several of you have become dear friends and how I wish you and I could have tea together today!
Hope you are enjoying fall wherever you are,