Our mismatched drives…a problem?

Good morning, dear sisters. As I write this my kettle is boiling for my first pot of french press and my sweet baby sits next to me cooing and laughing. I lay in bed for a long time last night, thinking of you all and praying for you. God kept bring specific women to mind who have commented or emailed, and I want you to know I lifted you up in prayer – your marriage and your marriage beds. But even more, I lifted up your hearts, asking that the Father would draw you to Himself. That you would experience hope and life and peace. I prayed that we would all learn more of Christ, and in doing so find our hearts turn towards the “light of His glory and grace”.

I do have one quick thought I wanted to share today about sex and marriage and spice. I am a higher-drive wife. My husband, who is an amazing man (did I tell you he encourages me to blog about this…this place of growth, learning, tears, hurt and hope for both of us), is lower-drive. He is healthy. He is fit. He is damn good-looking. He loves the Lord. He has had struggles in the past that might lend to a lower-drive (which I will one day, God-willing, blog about), but he has no real reasons  at this point to have a lower-drive than me.

So today I wanted to say that while there might be reasons for a husband to have a lower drive (A post about that, and Pt. II), it also might be just that he was made with a lower drive than you. The most challenging part of this is that it is so, so dangerous to compare ourselves with ourselves. Our friend Paul mentions something about that (II Cor 10:12). So when we compare our marriage beds with Hollywood, or other marriage beds, we can do ourselves a disservice. The question really is – are you content with your marriage bed? If you lived out in the wilderness where you knew of no “normals” would it be okay? And if the answer is still no, then you have something that needs healing and wholeness.

The fact is, maybe my husband doesn’t actually have a low drive. Maybe I have a super-charged one. Maybe he is normal and I am skewing the S curve. Whatever the case, I just want to free you women from comparing. Because here is the thing, when we compare our hearts can grow dangerously critical. We can start to think there is something wrong with us. Or worse, that there is something wrong with our husbands. And please listen to me ladies – there isn’t. Unless your husband’s low-drive is coming out of a broken place, there isn’t anything wrong with him. You aren’t “fixed”, and he “broken”. You are just two different people who are learning to be one. And guess what – it takes work. It takes communication. It takes going low, being humble. It takes tears, laughter, and talking. Lots and lots of talking. If you are in a marriage where you are being refused, then I grieve with you – I have been there. And it is a broken place. It does need to be fixed. But if you are in a marriage where you are just realizing that your picture doesn’t fit the “usual” picture, and that the two of you are learning to navigate and communicate in your own special scenario – then embrace it with joy. Please don’t give into the lie that something is wrong with you, or him. My husband is an amazing man. He just doesn’t need or want sex as much as me. And we are learning how to navigate that with grace, joy and well, sex.

I am praying for you this morning ladies. For those of you who I know by name, those I know by story, and those I have never interacted with. Will you pray for me too? Pray my heart continues to grow faithful towards the Lord, loving towards my husband, and hopeful towards our own journey.

Thank you for being a part of this community. You are loved.
Annabel
(Yes, I have a name now. I am still writing under a pseudonym, but this is the name Mr. Spice came up with when I told him it was getting awkward to just be “the mrs”. He told me I should be Annabel because it means “beautiful grace”. Perfect for my heart on this blog.)

P.S.

There has been a lot of Internet chatter recently that has left me feeling overwhelmed and unfocused. As I talked to Mr. Spice last night about this blog (yes, he knows I blog about our sex life, and he encourages it!) and he challenged me to continue to keep my writing focused on the community of women that I feel called to serve. That’s you, my dear sisters – you who are “spicy”, you who are higher-drive, you who love sex, you who want more sex, you who are fighting for your marriage beds, and for some of you who are simply fighting for your marriage. I am so humbled and blessed by the response to this blog – there are so many of us spicy women out there – and we can feel so alone. I am grateful this blog is creating a community of women who I hope are praying for each other and learning truth. And I have been so encouraged by the support, encouragement and interactions by both you and fellow bloggers. But I will say that the response has come with pressure. Not from anyone else but myself. Pressure to tweet, promote, interact, market. I have put this pressure on myself when, honestly, it just isn’t time for all that jazz. I will still be tweeting and interacting and letting you know when blogs have posted. I will still be inviting guests onto my blog (like I have planned), but I am shutting down the statistics part of this blog – because seeing thousands of people come visit makes me nervous. And I am not writing to thousands…I am writing to you. You, my sister, who I still wish was sharing this cup of coffee with me and eating the pumpkin muffins that I can’t seem to figure out how to bake well.

So good morning, dear friends! Welcome to another day.

17 thoughts on “Our mismatched drives…a problem?

  1. I just recently found your blog, and while my situation isn’t about mismatched sex drives, God is still using pain in my marriage to mold me into a more loving, compassionate wife. And yes, we must resist the urge to compare. I can’t look at anyone else’s struggles and decide if mine are better or worse. God is sovereign and uses our own situations to cause us to seek Him. The only person I should be comparing myself to is Him.. and the woman I was yesterday, last year, or 20 years ago.

    • Workinprogress,

      I could not have said it better. How beautiful. Thanks for commenting & I will pray for your marriage. Indeed, may you see Him through all situations. In good, bad, hurt and redemption. I am enjoying pursuing your blog & I will be praying for you. I am not sure if you have ever heard of Momastery, but if it might be another place to read more about a wife who is in your husband’s shoes & the journey she is in. http://momastery.com/blog/

  2. Good morning! I’m sitting here having coffee too and eating my store bought cinnamon raisin bread. 🙂
    I love this post and it’s as if you were reading my mind of something I was thinking on last night.

    I posted yesterday about how the lack of sex is hard for me, but with my husband’s odd work hours it makes it hard for us to be sexually intimate more than just on the weekends. But I got to thinking about what is really “normal” and just how satisfied am I with my marriage, and you know what, I am so very happy in my marriage and love my husband more than anything! I lived in an abusive marriage for twenty years of my life until I was finally freed from it and just last year married the most amazing man that the Lord brought into my life. We have a healthy marriage and mutual love and respect, and when we make love, it is beyond amazing how much more connected we become.

    So I decided last night that I will focus on what makes me happy in my marriage and when I am feeling the need to connect sexually after too many days (for me) have gone by I will simply let him know. Which I did last night. And how did he respond when I asked if he was too tired? He said “no way!” And well, let’s just say, I got a really good night’s sleep last night. 😉

    I think it can become damaging when we begin comparing ourselves to what we think everyone else is doing in their marriages. We should concentrate on what is good and communicate with our spouse when something is bothering us, like too little sexually intimacy. And as you articulated so well in your post Go Low, put aside our childish ways and grow up and start initiating for what we want. It works! 😉

    Have a blessed day and thank you for openly and candidly sharing about an issue that is so important in marriage but rarely talked about.

    BTW, I love to bake and if you are looking for good muffin recipes check out Foodnetwork.com for lots of great recipes!

    • Aimee,

      It made me smile to read this today. So, so, so glad your heart is choosing to see the joy. And praying that you & yours continue to find a place where you can both be content and fulfilled. Isn’t it amazing how much difference it makes when we communicate “straight out” what we need with our husbands? It doesn’t always mean sex, but it does mean we are heard..and hopefully it means sex most of the time! 🙂

      Thanks for the link. I actually am not a bad baker, but I have found my nemesis – pumpkin!! Good grief I cannot get that stuff to make anything but cookies. Breads or muffins either come out undone or overdone…not horrible, but not great either. Lets just say that nobody I know will be geting homemade pumpkin bread from me quite yet! Ha.

      Good to hear from you,
      Annabel

  3. I wrote this email to my husband last night. It is amazing how the Lord works. I suggested to him that we each examine the things which lead to our drive. He and I both have past abuse, past porn addictions, past promiscuity, and are each currently seeing therapists. Our marriage bed has been a huge hurt in our marriage, both because of lack of connection and lack of frequency. This is exacerbated by the fact he is in the military and is gone often and for long periods of time. Fear creeps in and it skews things even more. We are working on it, but it is a very slow process. Thank you for your prayers and words of understanding and encouragement. My husband read a couple of posts and actually checked out the about section because it is so similar to our problems he thought I might be the writer! It made me laugh.

    • Praying, praying, praying. May God open both of your hearts to see what needs to be shared, what needs to be healed. May you both find joy healing and miracles in your marriage bed. That’s funny about our stories being so similar! 🙂

  4. I just found you blog today and have been so blessed by it! I feel like everywhere I turn the world is saying that your husband should want you all the time and if he doesn’t then there is something drastically wrong. I am most definitely a “spicy” wife and my husband (who is an amazing man and lover) just isn’t designed that way. I have been struggling so much with fear and loneliness and wondered if I was the only woman dealing with this! My husband and I have been through a lot of issues in our short 8 year marriage, but God is slowly teaching me that he created me to be uniquely me, and that won’t always match up with anything the world has seen! Thank you for bravely speaking truth on this-and encouraging me-you have truly been a blessing!

    • Thank you so much…and welcome to the community! I completely understand the ups & downs of learning how to be a spicy wife, and I pray you continue to grow in grace, wisdom & a great sex life with your husband!
      Annabel

    • Elizabeth,
      I was fed the same line that my husband would want me all the time – 24/7 before I got married. We married later in life (30s (me) and 40s (him), and that is just not the case for us. I think it’s partly age and partly my husband’s stressful/physically tiring job. And then the blog world feeds us “reasons” he’s not interested which made me suspicious and angry. As I’m starting to realize that maybe that’s just the way God made him, I’ve been able to be more content and loving toward this dear man. I lovet hat we can share our stories and encouragements here. Thanks,Annabell.

  5. Oh, I really like what you posted today. It’s definitely true that some of my dissatisfaction lies with how I think things *should* be. I think Hollywood and magazines definitely feed us a raw deal. I wish I could live in the woods and not worry about how others do things but concentrate on what makes me and my dear hubby happy. Thanks for pointing that out. I appreciate your blog.

  6. I just found your blog last night and I’m excited to read more. I am the spicy wife with a not so spicy hubby. We have battled over it for our entire marriage lives (almost 12 years) but recently God has begun to move in on our marriage in this area and I’m so glad that He is working on it!! I’m looking forward to reading more of your blogs and hoping God will use this to reveal more things in this arena that need to be healed for both my husband and myself. Keep on blogging sister, I’m praying for you!! ❤

    • Mommyto3,

      Welcome to our community! I am humbled & blessed that you are here, and glad you are finding some life & hope for your heart. It thrills me that you are finding life & hope, and I am praying for you and your husband, that you would continue to learn together what it means to love each other and find strength and oneness in your marriage bed. THANK YOU for your prayers. I need them so much!

      Annabel

  7. What about when your husband has no interest at all? surely that isn’t normal? I think my husband has an underlying problem, but he swears not wanting sex is completely normal. I read the post on sandwiches and tomotoes… I can understand the difference between bread and tomotoes in sandwiches, but how can there be a sandwich when there is no bread?
    I do know of marriages where the is no sex due to health conditions – I have worked in the disability sector with spinal injury patients and I know in their case, they literally cannot sex but they are still married – but the difference is, they’d give anything to have sex, even just once. They want to do anything their injuries allow. But many of them cannot do anything at all – some of them find the rare kiss or hug all they can do even on a good day. They are still married. But when you have two healthy young adults, and one repeatedly constantly refuses to have sex… what does that mean for the marriage long term? I have no thoughts of straying. I happily remained celibate in the years between my first husband and second husband without the slightest temptation, nor do I feel tempted now. But I ache to “know” my husband as God intended marriage to have in it.

    • I grieve over your “ache”, and pray that God will answer your hearts cry. It is not okay for your husband to refuse you, and he is sinning against God and your marriage in doing so. Long-term he it will cause deep wounds to your marriage.
      However, this is something that he won’t be able to hear from you. It will take an encounter with Christ for him to see his sin – so pray, dear sister. Pray, pray, pray.

      I am praying with you.

  8. I am right there with broken wings. It is a very sad place to be in a sexless marriage, but hopefully Jesus will heal our marriages.

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