Good morning, dear sisters. As I write this my kettle is boiling for my first pot of french press and my sweet baby sits next to me cooing and laughing. I lay in bed for a long time last night, thinking of you all and praying for you. God kept bring specific women to mind who have commented or emailed, and I want you to know I lifted you up in prayer – your marriage and your marriage beds. But even more, I lifted up your hearts, asking that the Father would draw you to Himself. That you would experience hope and life and peace. I prayed that we would all learn more of Christ, and in doing so find our hearts turn towards the “light of His glory and grace”.
I do have one quick thought I wanted to share today about sex and marriage and spice. I am a higher-drive wife. My husband, who is an amazing man (did I tell you he encourages me to blog about this…this place of growth, learning, tears, hurt and hope for both of us), is lower-drive. He is healthy. He is fit. He is damn good-looking. He loves the Lord. He has had struggles in the past that might lend to a lower-drive (which I will one day, God-willing, blog about), but he has no real reasons at this point to have a lower-drive than me.
So today I wanted to say that while there might be reasons for a husband to have a lower drive (A post about that, and Pt. II), it also might be just that he was made with a lower drive than you. The most challenging part of this is that it is so, so dangerous to compare ourselves with ourselves. Our friend Paul mentions something about that (II Cor 10:12). So when we compare our marriage beds with Hollywood, or other marriage beds, we can do ourselves a disservice. The question really is – are you content with your marriage bed? If you lived out in the wilderness where you knew of no “normals” would it be okay? And if the answer is still no, then you have something that needs healing and wholeness.
The fact is, maybe my husband doesn’t actually have a low drive. Maybe I have a super-charged one. Maybe he is normal and I am skewing the S curve. Whatever the case, I just want to free you women from comparing. Because here is the thing, when we compare our hearts can grow dangerously critical. We can start to think there is something wrong with us. Or worse, that there is something wrong with our husbands. And please listen to me ladies – there isn’t. Unless your husband’s low-drive is coming out of a broken place, there isn’t anything wrong with him. You aren’t “fixed”, and he “broken”. You are just two different people who are learning to be one. And guess what – it takes work. It takes communication. It takes going low, being humble. It takes tears, laughter, and talking. Lots and lots of talking. If you are in a marriage where you are being refused, then I grieve with you – I have been there. And it is a broken place. It does need to be fixed. But if you are in a marriage where you are just realizing that your picture doesn’t fit the “usual” picture, and that the two of you are learning to navigate and communicate in your own special scenario – then embrace it with joy. Please don’t give into the lie that something is wrong with you, or him. My husband is an amazing man. He just doesn’t need or want sex as much as me. And we are learning how to navigate that with grace, joy and well, sex.
I am praying for you this morning ladies. For those of you who I know by name, those I know by story, and those I have never interacted with. Will you pray for me too? Pray my heart continues to grow faithful towards the Lord, loving towards my husband, and hopeful towards our own journey.
Thank you for being a part of this community. You are loved.
(Yes, I have a name now. I am still writing under a pseudonym, but this is the name Mr. Spice came up with when I told him it was getting awkward to just be “the mrs”. He told me I should be Annabel because it means “beautiful grace”. Perfect for my heart on this blog.)
There has been a lot of Internet chatter recently that has left me feeling overwhelmed and unfocused. As I talked to Mr. Spice last night about this blog (yes, he knows I blog about our sex life, and he encourages it!) and he challenged me to continue to keep my writing focused on the community of women that I feel called to serve. That’s you, my dear sisters – you who are “spicy”, you who are higher-drive, you who love sex, you who want more sex, you who are fighting for your marriage beds, and for some of you who are simply fighting for your marriage. I am so humbled and blessed by the response to this blog – there are so many of us spicy women out there – and we can feel so alone. I am grateful this blog is creating a community of women who I hope are praying for each other and learning truth. And I have been so encouraged by the support, encouragement and interactions by both you and fellow bloggers. But I will say that the response has come with pressure. Not from anyone else but myself. Pressure to tweet, promote, interact, market. I have put this pressure on myself when, honestly, it just isn’t time for all that jazz. I will still be tweeting and interacting and letting you know when blogs have posted. I will still be inviting guests onto my blog (like I have planned), but I am shutting down the statistics part of this blog – because seeing thousands of people come visit makes me nervous. And I am not writing to thousands…I am writing to you. You, my sister, who I still wish was sharing this cup of coffee with me and eating the pumpkin muffins that I can’t seem to figure out how to bake well.
So good morning, dear friends! Welcome to another day.