Hollywood Sex

One of the things my husband has taught me to love is a good question. Asked correctly, with an intention of truly knowing the answer, a question has the potential to be life-changing. So I want you to know that I welcome any questions you might have. I can’t promise I will know the answer, but I will love “sitting in the question”, pondering and finding truth with you amazing women.

I wanted to tackle a question that was recently asked on one of my posts : “I’m wondering why our sex lives can’t be like those we see on TV, movies, Hollywood style? Am I the only women watching that love scene thinking “man, I would love my husband to do that!” Doesn’t scripture portray a steamy sex life in the Song of Solomon?”

Here are my thoughts:
Of course you aren’t the only one wishing your husband could be more like a man in the movies who is making incredible love to a woman! As higher drive wives, our hearts long for that “knight in shining armor” who will be an amazing lover that pursues us, thinks we are beautiful, and makes our voices sing with the intensity of sex we are having. Often. Like, maybe, every day.
The problem is that this wish is fraught with dangers. First, it’s based on a lie. When we begin to feed our God-given sexual desires with images that are not true, we will reap discontented, dissatisfied, frustrated marriage beds. Hollywood lies. Those sex scenes you see are not real. They are fabricated, musically enticing, perfectly blocked out scenes that are meant to arouse. They are meant to entertain. They are meant to entice your heart and mind. Your sex life can’t be like Hollywood because what you are seeing isn’t actually a sex life. It’s a fabrication of one.
Second, our desire for our husbands must be for them, alone. It is a dangerous road to walk down to compare them to an unrealistic, unreachable falsification of a man. God has given you one man – your own husband – to see, pursue, love, accept, cheer on. In fact, the Bible clearly warns against desiring something we don’t have. It’s called “coveting” – and the 10th commandment states that we should not covet anything anyone else has – including their husband, boyfriend, lover, etc. (Ex 20:17) And while this is rarely talked about in Christendom, coveting is a sin written about much in the New Testament, and it comes with a deadly price (Col 3:5; Romans 1:28-29; II Tim 3:1-2). So when we began to want a sex life (however false) portrayed by Hollywood, we are, in essence, coveting something not ours.

Now, I confess that as a higher drive wife, I must be so, so careful with what I allow my eyes to see. Sex scenes in movies, even if they are rather “tame” can get my engines revved up very easily. And while this may not be the case with you, I find it is hard to separate desiring the sexual encounter I am seeing with wishing my husband could be “more like” the incredibly attractive, amazing lover I am seeing portrayed. But does it matter? For both of these desires are sin. Both of them are damaging to my relationship with God and my husband.

Finally, about the Song of Solomon. What a scandalous and wonderful book! I remember clearly being so entertained by trying to find all the “naughty” words in it when I was a child in a boring church service.
Breasts!! Augh!! I found the word breasts!!
That song does indeed paint a beautiful picture of married sex. But we must be cautious here – the picture painted by this song is not only of married sex, but of married love. The desire the bride has is for her own beloved. Her eyes are for him alone. Her desire is for him, and his for her. Each has found their delight in the one God has given them. Their sexual encounters are overarching with a deep love for one another.
Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the Lord. (SS 8:6)

Be jealous for your marriage bed, dear sisters. Guard it with a strong seal of love. Let nothing in that would water it down, or cause discontent. Fight for a pure love.

What are your thoughts about this? Do you struggle, like me, to keep a pure heart in this sex-saturated world? Do you see desiring Hollywood sex as covetousness? I would love your thoughts.

I am praying for you today, dear friends. Praying that you would let your life be shaped by the Scripture, molded by the love of God. Praying truth and life into dark and desolate places. Praying that you would have eyes to see and ears to hear. Pray for me too. Pray that I would also face dark and hurting places in my heart. Pray that I would grow more like Christ when I want to be selfish and small. Pray that I would have words to speak that would bring life. I need your prayers.


P.S. The giveaway for Sheila Gregoire’s book “31 Days to Great Sex” is still going on. Come on over and comment for a chance to win! Ends December 8, 2012 at midnight.

14 thoughts on “Hollywood Sex

  1. So true. Year ago I gave up R rated movies, all porn and anything that resembled it, and romance novels. My husband said it made him feel inferior. He and I have each had our own struggles with addiction in this area, so I strongly agree with what you have said.

    That being said, I do not allow my 14 year old daughter to watch racy stuff either. However, sex comes in all sorts of stuff (we don’t watch current TV for that reason), so when it pops up, she and I have this discussion. Recently, we were watching a TV show and a love scene came on and I said to her, this isn’t how real sex is. A few days later she asked what to really expect. I love being able to open a dialogue with her about what is a Godly sex life. I don’t want her to be caught up and throw away her virginity or sexuality for a bunch of lies by the enemy. It is often uncomfortable for me, but I hope that it blesses her and her marriage down the road.

  2. Oh Anabel. I too have struggled with this! It’s embarassing to admit, but even with a “simple” love scene, I can become easily aroused…which then leads to discontentment of my OWN marriage bed, and then of course- sin. What a disgusting sin coveting is! I literally just asked God to forgive me of such sin. I have been guilty of doing much coveting. Not only in my marriage bed, but in someone else’s finances (ours is not that great at the moment), another woman’s awesome, post-pregnancy body, etc. It’s selfish and proud and I renounce to all of it. Thank God for His grace and mercy!

    Ps: I literally laughed out loud at the part where you would find “naughty” words or descriptions in Song of Solomon; I used to do the same! Oh, the mind of a child! Lol! Be blessed, Anabel.

  3. Easiest way to deal with the struggle? Skip Hollywood altogether. We don’t have to watch sexual content. It’s a choice, and if we struggle with images, the best thing to do is not watch. The sexual saturation in movies has spilled into the church, making young couples think marriage is all about sex. When you’re over 45, and things change, you start to realize that intimacy of all kinds is important.

    • K,

      I love your truth here – it is all choice, isn’t it? I would love to hear more about how you think sexual saturation has spilled into the church, that sounds like an interesting thought. Thanks for sharing!

  4. Great article. I can relate to your comment about how much sexual content there is out there, just on regular TV and magazines. You have to be very deliberate about what you watch and read don’t you!

  5. The thing I find the hardest about sex scenes in the movies is how easily every woman is portrayed as having an orgasm during intercourse.

    This has been an extremely painful issue with me since I’m a spicy wife with a higher drive than my husband, but cannot easily reach orgasm and have only climaxed once during actual intercourse. It has gotten easier over time and I’ve given myself permission in a sense to relax and allow myself to climax. And my loving husband makes sure that each and every time we make love I climax first and he has told me that he loves our long lovemaking sessions that allow me to reach orgasm, which then in turn, makes sex even better for him.
    In the beginning of our marriage it was a struggle and there were many tears on my part for not being “normal” in the sense of being able to reach orgasm during sex. My dear husband has always been patient and understanding, and when I have apologized for taking “too long” to climax he will tell me that I don’t take too long, I take just a little longer, but that’s okay with him. 🙂

    So whenever there would happen to be a sex scene in a show or movie we were watching and the woman is obviously climaxing during intercourse I would just want to up and leave the room. Seeing scenes like those just led me to believe that I was not normal.
    But with my husband’s help and through prayer I’ve been able to stop trying to live up to what is not real and realize that I’m made perfectly for my husband.

    I do have a question though that may be a little off topic of your original post…how important do you think it is for most women to reach orgasm during sexual intimacy with their husbands? I mean I find that when I get close but it doesn’t happen or my husband climaxes first, I feel very let down, especially knowing that it may be days or a week before we make love again.
    When I was first really struggling with reaching orgasm I would try to tell myself it didn’t matter if I climaxed each time and it shouldn’t be the “goal” of our lovemaking, and my husband too would say that. We even read an article in a magazine written by a man who claimed that orgasm shouldn’t be the ultimate goal for women during sex if it is something hard for them to achieve…they should just enjoy the closeness and then if an orgasm occurs that’s a bonus. Easy for a man to say.

    Reality is, I love reaching orgasm during our lovemaking and I think it’s okay to work towards it and achieve it when possible. It not only feels good, but it helps relieve tension and makes for a good night’s sleep.;) But having said that, I don’t want to put so much emphasis on climaxing that I lose sight of being close to my husband and maybe becoming selfish during sex, kwim?
    So just curious if reaching orgasm should be important to us women and something we strive for during lovemaking especially when it’s harder to reach for some, instead of maybe blowing it off and thinking it doesn’t really matter?

      • When God added pleasure to the “be fruitful and multiply” command i have always thought that is would be a natural physical response for both of us. Something that we didn’t have to strive for, that would just happen without any input on our end. I believe now that it is part of the sin consequence when Adam and Eve had to leave paradise. The natural pleasure stayed in the garden. 😦 Sometimes it happens naturally, and sometimes it doesn’t. The sins of this life get in the way.

    • Aimee,

      Thanks for your thoughts & for your question. I could sit here and write a book about my thoughts, but I probably should just write a blog post 🙂 Would you mind waiting until next week for the full answer & I promise to tackle it in a post?

      Here is my very short thoughts, though : YES, it should be important. Not more important than God, or our marriage, or our husbands. But more important than the time it takes to get there, the work it takes to get there, or the laundry and dishes waiting for you 🙂

      There is my 2 second answer & I will have a whole post next week – looking forward to other women’s thoughts about this too!

    • I’m confused. You say you’ve only climaxed once during intercourse and also that your husband makes sure you climax first during your lovemaking. What do you mean by lovemaking if not intercourse? I don’t mean to pry, but I feel very uneducated about sex and had a question.

  6. Thanks Annabel, I look forward to reading a post on this subject. I do not have anyone I feel comfortable talking to about this and yet I’m curious what other women think.

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