Heart Attitude

Amazing women, today I am humbled and honored to have Evie, another higher-drive wife sharing some of her own story with us. It is so exciting to me to get other “spicy” wives involved in the community here! I will let her introduce herself to you.

Hi, I am Evie.  Learning about this blog has been a source of renewal for me!  My husband and I have been married for about three and a half years, and we have two little boys (2 1/2 and 1 years old).  Even with those two pregnancies and new babies during our short marriage, I still have consistently been the spouse with the higher desire for sex.  This blog has served as an encouragement for me to embrace my design as a “higher drive” wife.

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My heart attitude has been so wrong lately regarding sex. You see it’s been apparent since early on in our short three year marriage that I consistently want sex more frequently than my husband. This hasn’t seemed like such a big deal until lately.

While we were on a weekend getaway a few months ago, I (again) consistently wanted more sex than my husband did. Because we are best friends who talk about everything, this stronger longing of mine came up in conversation that weekend. This was one of those super-honest-be-very-still-and-listen conversations.

As we talked, I was able to share that sometimes I felt like he was hesitant toward sex with me. He was able to share that his only hesitation is in regards to himself. He was able to share that he is more than happy to give me pleasure and satisfy my longings, but that occasionally he hesitated because simply because he felt as though he had to muster up a similar level of passion and desire that I was feeling. He shared that he does not always feel the same level of desire or need for sex that I do. I assured him that he does not have to feel what I feel. I told him it would be just fine for him to bring me pleasure without also having to “get there” himself. He told me how much he appreciated that release and also reassured me that he’d love to “make me happy” whenever I wanted sexual connection, release, or satisfaction. We both acknowledged the fact that I have a higher desire for sex than he…and that this reality is okay.

That was a very helpful conversation. We had a plan. It was good. I am grateful to have a husband who is more than happy to satisfy my higher desire.

The problem, though, was that very soon after, I quite internally began to live very differently than our conversation would suggest. Almost subconsciously, I decided to just not ask for sex or sexual satisfaction unless my husband initiated. I began to shut down the part of my heart that longed for sexual connection with my husband. This shutting down coupled with a few very stressful life circumstances led me to a season of being almost completely uninterested in sex.

Being uninterested in sex is not a good thing for me. It marks a shutting down of my heart. I did not even realize I was doing this until I started reading this blog. As I read this blog, I found my heart leaping with life again. I am a “higher drive” wife. That is part of who I am. To shut down that part of my heart, to ignore my “higher drive” reality, is to ignore the very design of who I was created to be.

As I continued reading this blog, I knew I had to take some time to recognize some very broken patterns in my heart. By shutting down my desire, waiting for my husband to long for sex with me was to deny my design. I had been living less than how I was created to live. This “living less” was no one else’s fault but my own.

I confessed this to God, asking Him to show me how to live more in line with how He designed me. I recognized that my high drive was not an accident but was divinely orchestrated. I knew I also had to share with my husband what I had been doing.

In sharing with my husband that I had been shutting down sexually, he affirmed that I was living in opposition to the way I designed. He assured me that what I had been doing was not a good thing to do…that just waiting for him to come to me was not good for either of us. He shared (again) how much he wants to please me sexually. He affirmed that he is completely okay with (and enjoys) my high drive design.

He explained that just as he was designed with a high need for emotional/relational connection, I am designed with a high need for sexual connection. He likened what I had been doing by waiting for him to come to me for sex to if he were to just wait to talk to me until I needed to talk to him. This example was so clear. My need to connect through talking is much less than his and if he waited for me to come to him for relational connection, he’d often be left feeling disconnected and unfulfilled. Likewise, by my waiting for him to come to me for sexual connection, I was often feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.

Moving forward from here, I honestly feel somewhat nervous. I so want to embrace my design as a “higher drive” wife; however, I am almost afraid of that design. I know that I was designed as “higher drive” wife, and I so appreciate being able to walk alongside you ladies on this journey to understand how to fully embrace this “higher drive” design.

So what about you, dear friends? Do you struggle to embrace your design? I would love to hear from you!

18 thoughts on “Heart Attitude

  1. I also can relate with Evie. I think I have decided that it is best to wait for him to be ready, and I feel like he is never ready. Right now I’m pregnant and my “higher drive” has been put on the shelf just because I’m not interested. I do however pray that I can embrace who I am. Thank you for sharing.

    • It sounds like you really desire to respect who your husband is by waiting for him to be ready. I pray that God will continue to show you how to fully embrace who you are, while also doing so through a respectful heart for who he is. Congrats on your pregnancy!

  2. Thank you Evie for sharing. Oh how I can relate!! I too have been guilty of shutting down my drive, sometimes purposely sometimes not. It’s my experience that the results are only negative usually leading to resentment of myself and or my husband. I don’t feel like myself when I ignore my drive and that doesn’t benefit anyone. Taking a break from sex does nothing to enhance or unify our marriage. Life is stressful and we both need that connection to stay strong and passionate for one another. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it! It’s encouraging to me to hear the testimonies of other spicy wives. Keep them coming Annabel! =)

    • It sounds like you have a great perspective on your higher drive self! And on the importance of bringing that to your marriage to strengthen your marriage connection! So encouraging to hear!

  3. Wow! What a blessing to have a husband who, even though his drive doesn’t match yours, wants to give you pleasure in bed. Mine doesn’t. Sex is almost always on his terms for his drive (lower than mine) and he has little desire to take care of my needs. As a result, my drive has shut down. I don’t want it to, but the anxiety about our MB is more than I can handle on top of my highly stressful life right now.

    • I am so sorry to hear how much of a struggle this is in your marriage! I am sure that it hurts to not have your higher drive cared for. I pray, right now, that God would bring a season of grace into your life and marriage. That God, Himself, through His Spirit would transform your marriage. I pray for His Spirit to even speak to your husband, giving him an understanding of who you are. I pray that there would be a new season starting in your marriage!

  4. Thank you Evie for being so honest and willing to share your story. I too am guilty for shutting down. Actually, literally all day, I have been telling myself, “Whatever. I’m not even going to ask him anymore. J am so tired of initiating.” And honestly, I wish I felt the conviction you felt when you were shutting down. I have shut down so much that it has led me to other sin and a complete unattratedness towards my husband (my husband IS indeed handsome, but my pride has changed me). I need to bring this to the Lord and just helo me pray that God can do a serious work in our lives.

    Again, thanks for sharing!! Perfect timing.

    • Marie, I definitely think you are heading in the right direction, knowing that you need to take these broken patterns to the Lord and ask Him to do a serious work in your lives! I pray right now that God would begin to transform your heart. To give you a soft heart towards your husband, to have a renewal of attraction to him, and for you to also embrace how you were designed as a high drive wife. I pray that God wouls give you ways to talk with your husband about this part of your marriage, building oneness between the two of you. Through Jesus, you have access to the power of redemption and restoration and I pray that reality over your marriage!

    • I can really relate to many of these stories of being the higher drive wife. I’m so glad I found this blog! I have trouble initiating sex with my husband because I feel like he should be the one to initiate in order for me to feel desired, etc. I feel so unattractive and unloved because he doesn’t desire sex any more than once a week or so. It doesn’t help that I found out about some of his sexual sin in our marriage a few months ago. (We’ve been married 3.5 years). I am trying to work on forgiveness and trust towards my husband as well, but on top of all that I get so tired of feeling undesired. I know God is who I need to look to for comfort and for validation. It’s just so hard when the marriage bed (in my mind) is struggling as well. Please pray for us. I look forward to continuing to read these posts!

      • Tara, I am so glad that you are aware of the need for forgiveness. And I am so glad that you are also aware of what is really going on within your heart (that you often feel unattractive or unloved because he doesn’t desire sex more than once a week or so). It sounds like you desire to have a closer connection with your husband (even by your awareness of needing to forgive), so I would encourage you to talk with your husband, to share your desire for more sex and to ask if he is willing to engage is more sex with you. Of course, you’ll also have to prepare yourself to initiate or ask for sex (which feels like a risk because there’s always the possibility you could be rejected), but it might just be worth it…especially if your husband is willing to satisfy you. I would encourage you to process the truth that it’s okay for you to initiate. I would also encourage you to dismantle the lies that you’re believing about your being unattractive/unloved just because your husband doesn’t initiate as often as you’d like. My prayer for you is that God brings life and renewal into your marriage relationship…especially into your sexual relationship. I pray that God will free you to initiate and feel secure as you do so. I pray that God will connect your and your husband’s hearts.

      • Tara,

        Please know you are not alone! It can be tiring to be the one always initiating. I often think of this verse – “Let us not grow weary in well doing…” While it wasn’t meant specifically for sex, I do believe that the same message applies. Praying for you & your marriage today.

        Annabel

  5. Confession: I a, a husband, rather than a wife, so feel free not to post my comment if this is a wives only blog and comment. However, let me say this is probably the most down-the-line amazing thing I’ve ever read about the drive-imbalance most marriages have… Like many husbands, I have the higher drive, and struggle to articulate a need for sex in a way that doesn’t come across as complaining about our sex life together. Sadly, we don’t have those totally open conversations that you had with your husband, but I today that one day we will… Thank you for sharing!

    • Tim, I pray that God will guide you into how to gently and lovingly lead out into open and honest conversations with your wife. I pray that you will pursue loving and understanding her so well that she will feel safe and free to express her heart with you and you with her…even regarding sex. I know that God’s desire for marriage is oneness (not even just physically, but emotionally and spiritually, too), so I pray that over your marriage.

    • Tim,

      You are welcome here. I am praying today that you find the space and words to share your heart with your wife. Praying she has ears to hear, and a soft heart to respond. Thank you for joining in the conversation.

  6. hi evie,
    i didn’t use to struggle with my higher drive design because i always said yes to sex. it wasn’t until my husbands drive decreased that over time i thought he wasn’t in love with me anymore or that he didn’t want me. Maybe somehow i was no longer appealing to him-didn’t excite him anymore after 25 years of marriage. I even maintained my slim figure too. Not sure how this happened but over time we soon became awkward with sex. I wasn’t initiating it, he wasn’t asking for it, and by some miracle when we did have sex, well, it was just that ….sex. hop on, hop off. My counselor from our church said that my husband views me as a lion or tiger when he would love to just have a little kitten. So, in connection with your change of heart attitude, i have prayed to have the spirit of a kitten and to slow things down in the marriage bed. I love how the holy spirit works within to transform our mind by the renewing of our hearts. We are slowly getting some intimacy back and my husband is gaining the confidence he lost. For now i am letting my husband initiate sex And i am okay with it all. God is good.

    • I love your heart toward your marriage! You clearly love your husband and it sounds like he loves you. The fact that you are talking with a counselor at your church says a lot about your marriage. It also sounds like you are truly trying to understand what he desires. I challenge you to directly ask him what he’d like your sexual relationship to be like. I’d also challenge you to ask him if there are ways he longs for you to care for him more (most likely non-sexual). Really listen to his responses to these two questions. As you pursue intimacy within sex, these conversations may even open further intimacy (emotionally) which may also reconnect you to a point of ease sexually, as well. I pray that God would continue to work in your marriage and specifically in your sexual connection. I pray that God would absolutely and totally remove any awkwardness and instead bring an ease of connection. Thank you for sharing your story!

  7. Evie, thank you for opening your heart and sharing. I too have found myself closing down “that” part of my heart. I found myself being constantly let down, a kiss that lasted more than two seconds or a casual brush of his arm against my breast would leave me thinking that maybe we would come together intimately, only to realize that he had other things on his mind. Your words rang true to my soul releasing a flood of tears of realization.

    • I am so sorry it took me a month to reply…I totally lost track of posts and comments! I am so very glad that what I shared rang true with your soul…that you could identify! I will be praying for your marriage…that there will be hope and transformation and healing between you and your husband, that your heart will be soft again and open and full of life…that you will find freedom to offer yourself…and that your husband will be open to who you are!

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