Amazing women, today I am humbled and honored to have Evie, another higher-drive wife sharing some of her own story with us. It is so exciting to me to get other “spicy” wives involved in the community here! I will let her introduce herself to you.
Hi, I am Evie. Learning about this blog has been a source of renewal for me! My husband and I have been married for about three and a half years, and we have two little boys (2 1/2 and 1 years old). Even with those two pregnancies and new babies during our short marriage, I still have consistently been the spouse with the higher desire for sex. This blog has served as an encouragement for me to embrace my design as a “higher drive” wife.
My heart attitude has been so wrong lately regarding sex. You see it’s been apparent since early on in our short three year marriage that I consistently want sex more frequently than my husband. This hasn’t seemed like such a big deal until lately.
While we were on a weekend getaway a few months ago, I (again) consistently wanted more sex than my husband did. Because we are best friends who talk about everything, this stronger longing of mine came up in conversation that weekend. This was one of those super-honest-be-very-still-and-listen conversations.
As we talked, I was able to share that sometimes I felt like he was hesitant toward sex with me. He was able to share that his only hesitation is in regards to himself. He was able to share that he is more than happy to give me pleasure and satisfy my longings, but that occasionally he hesitated because simply because he felt as though he had to muster up a similar level of passion and desire that I was feeling. He shared that he does not always feel the same level of desire or need for sex that I do. I assured him that he does not have to feel what I feel. I told him it would be just fine for him to bring me pleasure without also having to “get there” himself. He told me how much he appreciated that release and also reassured me that he’d love to “make me happy” whenever I wanted sexual connection, release, or satisfaction. We both acknowledged the fact that I have a higher desire for sex than he…and that this reality is okay.
That was a very helpful conversation. We had a plan. It was good. I am grateful to have a husband who is more than happy to satisfy my higher desire.
The problem, though, was that very soon after, I quite internally began to live very differently than our conversation would suggest. Almost subconsciously, I decided to just not ask for sex or sexual satisfaction unless my husband initiated. I began to shut down the part of my heart that longed for sexual connection with my husband. This shutting down coupled with a few very stressful life circumstances led me to a season of being almost completely uninterested in sex.
Being uninterested in sex is not a good thing for me. It marks a shutting down of my heart. I did not even realize I was doing this until I started reading this blog. As I read this blog, I found my heart leaping with life again. I am a “higher drive” wife. That is part of who I am. To shut down that part of my heart, to ignore my “higher drive” reality, is to ignore the very design of who I was created to be.
As I continued reading this blog, I knew I had to take some time to recognize some very broken patterns in my heart. By shutting down my desire, waiting for my husband to long for sex with me was to deny my design. I had been living less than how I was created to live. This “living less” was no one else’s fault but my own.
I confessed this to God, asking Him to show me how to live more in line with how He designed me. I recognized that my high drive was not an accident but was divinely orchestrated. I knew I also had to share with my husband what I had been doing.
In sharing with my husband that I had been shutting down sexually, he affirmed that I was living in opposition to the way I designed. He assured me that what I had been doing was not a good thing to do…that just waiting for him to come to me was not good for either of us. He shared (again) how much he wants to please me sexually. He affirmed that he is completely okay with (and enjoys) my high drive design.
He explained that just as he was designed with a high need for emotional/relational connection, I am designed with a high need for sexual connection. He likened what I had been doing by waiting for him to come to me for sex to if he were to just wait to talk to me until I needed to talk to him. This example was so clear. My need to connect through talking is much less than his and if he waited for me to come to him for relational connection, he’d often be left feeling disconnected and unfulfilled. Likewise, by my waiting for him to come to me for sexual connection, I was often feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.
Moving forward from here, I honestly feel somewhat nervous. I so want to embrace my design as a “higher drive” wife; however, I am almost afraid of that design. I know that I was designed as “higher drive” wife, and I so appreciate being able to walk alongside you ladies on this journey to understand how to fully embrace this “higher drive” design.
So what about you, dear friends? Do you struggle to embrace your design? I would love to hear from you!