Our sexual aid for 2013

Happy New Years friends! Hope you & yours had a wonderful time celebrating the start of 2013. As Mr. Spice and I spend time each year discussing our hopes and goals, our sex life is something that we have included for the past few years. This year we decided that a visual sex aid was in order. One of the things we have noticed is that I am the one who remembers how long it has been since we had sex. While he is a wonderful lover, I am usually ready for a sexual encounter before he is, and I find myself mentally counting the days in my head. After a few days, I find myself having this internal conversation: It has been 4 days since we had sex. Doesn’t Mr. Spice realize that?! We have talked so many times about how often I desire sex. And he wants to do better. What do I do? Should I try to remind him? Should I initiate? But he is so busy – maybe he is too busy for me right now. He is always too busy. He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t think I am worth pursuing…

And so on and so forth, right down into some pretty negative thinking about our marriage bed and him. So we recently brainstormed on how to help him “count the days”. He does honestly want to serve me, but he often just loses track of time. And since his drive isn’t as strong as mine, he can usually go 6-7 days before needing sex, where as I am more of a every 2-3 day kind of woman (or more, but that’s kind of my happy minimum). If there is a helpful way for him to remember when when we last had sex, then he is happy to help make sure it happens more often.

So here was our idea – a wall calendar. While it definitely doesn’t fit the way we decorate, and its probably been 10 years since I purchased one, we thought that it might be helpful in keeping track of our sex life. We found one that we both liked and hung it right next to our bed. Every time we have sex this year, we will draw a small heart on the day. Since it is right next to our bed, we are both hoping it is something he will glance at often to get a visual on how recently we had sex. And it won’t take much to see if it’s been over 3 or 4 days. We are both hoping it will be a consistent, non-nagging reminder to both of us how important our marriage bed is.

So what about you? Do you have a creative way to help “count the days”? Are you making plans for the new year with your husband for your marriage bed?

Would love to hear from you,


18 thoughts on “Our sexual aid for 2013

  1. Oh I love this idea! I start thinking the same way you do after about 2-3 days. My husband has recently said he wants to do better this year also, so I think I will suggest a heart sticker on our calendar as a “gentle” reminder. Thank you again for your wonderful blog! Praying for you. Happy New Year! May 2013 be full of love and fun!

  2. That’s a great idea!

    My husband and I probably have the same drive- mine used to be lower, but God has definitely shown me the benefits of pursuing my husband more often! And as a result I’ve gotten a much higher drive- no complaints though! I am now in the same boat as you, 3-4 days and I’m ssstttaaarrrvvviiinngg!! My husband is also a wonderful man and works 6 days a week, sometimes very long hours. He has to decompress in ways other than sex when he gets home, usually a game that involves explosions ( he was in the military, lol). But often he plays until he’s ready to sleep. . . So I have sometimes put a note on his game disc letting him know ( very nicely) that I don’t mind him playing, but that I will be waiting for him when he’s finished playing. Sometimes he decides he doesn’t need to play the game that night 🙂 Or I put a note in his lunch kit in the mornings letting him know I will be thinking about him while he is away at work.

  3. Great idea.

    If you want a bit more high tech approach (especially good for the wife who wants to get her man interested), a count up timer is great. Hit the button after sex, and leave it on the night table. The cheap way to get a count up timer is to use one make for food, like the “Days Ago Timer” (two for $6.01 on Amazon http://bit.ly/ZdbSAe) that counts up in hours and days.

  4. I have been doing this for the last year in a calendar on my iPad that tracks my cycles. My husbands and my drive have finally evened out ( we had some major issues to work through in the past year) but when I started doing this I was definantly the higher drive wife. In saying that I just want to warn you to not get to obsessed with it. The devil often used it to overwhelm me and discourage me. It is a great tool but remember keep your guard up against satan 🙂

  5. My husband & I share our Google calendars with each other. We have been married for two years, and from the beginning, I have tracked our sexual encounters on my calendar with a symbol that just the two of us would know the meaning of if anyone looked at our phones. We have always been at the level of a sex-positive husband and wife and have spent a great deal of time discussing how to ensure it stays that way. This is not a first marriage for either one of us, and we are both determined to make this one everything marriage should be. Instead of putting an actual time on each occurrence, I just make it an “all day” event so it appears at the top of the day. There have been several times we have had sex in the morning & I have put it on my calendar before I go to work so I don’t forget, only to have my husband will call me later because a reminder has popped up on his phone that we are supposed to be having sex “all day”!

  6. We set a goal of how many times we want to do it each month. We write 1-that number on the smaller mirror in our bathroom with a window marker. When we do it we cross a number off. Then everytime we are in the bathroom we can see how many more times we need to do it for the month. We started doing this last year. The first few months we had a lot to do the last week of the month. 🙂 But now, we make it pretty even throughout the month. His drive is generally higher than mine, so this helps me remember that we agreed how many times we wanted to do it, and make sure we follow through. 🙂 Thanks for the blog.

  7. This year I plan on putting aside $1.00 every time we make love and use that money towards something special for the two of us. I may up it to $5.00 simply because hubby’s career keeps him away from home a lot, so even if we make love every day he is home, we would only pull in just over $100 if I only saved $1.00.

  8. Interesting. I already do this, but kind of for a different reason. I was afraid I was nagging him and maybe miscounting. Little hearts and everything. I get excited if we average 12 per year. That’s at least once a month!
    To keep it short, I am in a second marriage and we did not have sex before we were married. We talked about sex as we had both been previously married and I had told him that frequency was important to me. 2 or 3 times a week. He agreed. It was several weeks before we even consummated the marriage! So you can imagine what kind of struggle it has been for me.

  9. Showed this to my hubs and he said “we need a calendar” so I went and bought one today! Hopefully this becomes a tool we really grab on to. Thanks for sharing!

  10. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have two children and extremely demanding careers. Before marriage our sec life was typical…… Couldn’t get enough of each other. Now, it’s not even once a month. I have much more of a drive than he does… I don’t see him as a “typical male” when it comes to sex. My friends always talk about the fact that they can’t get their husbands off of them!! I can’t relate to that. I’ve been through the self defeating conversation in my head and have tried to talk to him but he does not see an issue. I like the calendar idea but I’m afraid of it becoming a chore or a way to keep score. I guess I need some encouragement that this is a cycle and that we will sync up again.
    Any wisdom is appreciated!

    • Amanda,

      I hear you on the fear of it becoming a chore, and encourage you to do what’s right for your marriage. It is actually very common for couples to struggle in their marriage beds if they had engaged in it before marriage. Nothing is too hard for God, and I encourage you both to talk about it and recognize that it was wrong and might affecting you now. If you have already done that, then I encourage you to continue to pray for your husband and your own heart. He isn’t the “typical male”, thank God. He is YOUR male and the gift God has given to you. I know I have struggled with comparison in the past & it is a love-killer. May you have the eyes to see him as God sees him and accept him unconditionally.
      As far as the self-defeating conversation – o my goodness I have been there too! My prayer is that you approach it again with lots of prayer & asking God to help you speak with the right heart. Ask God to give your husband ears to hear.
      Maybe a few more thoughts to help?
      A post about your husband’s lower drive, and Pt. II
      Some thoughts to help as you approach having “the talk” again with your husband
      Are your mismatched drives a problem?

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