A coffee chat : the wife’s orgasm

Several weeks ago a dear reader friend asked a very important question that got me seriously rabbit-trailing into my own theology of sex (and Pt. III). Which I encourage you to read if you haven’t yet, just as a precursor to this conversation. But I am ready to get back to the question now, and I hope you will join me. As I so often state, I write here because we can’t talk face to face. The whole reason I get up early in the morning before the babies wake is because I want to use this space to communicate my heart and find a way to hear yours. I hope you will do me the honor today of fixing a cup of coffee and coming to talk at this table of beautiful women who love the Lord & their husbands, and who are fighting for their marriages.

So here is the question I invite you to “sit in” with me today:

I do have a question though that may be a little off topic of your original post…how important do you think it is for most women to reach orgasm during sexual intimacy with their husbands? I mean I find that when I get close but it doesn’t happen or my husband climaxes first, I feel very let down, especially knowing that it may be days or a week before we make love again.
When I was first really struggling with reaching orgasm I would try to tell myself it didn’t matter if I climaxed each time and it shouldn’t be the “goal” of our lovemaking, and my husband too would say that. We even read an article in a magazine written by a man who claimed that orgasm shouldn’t be the ultimate goal for women during sex if it is something hard for them to achieve…they should just enjoy the closeness and then if an orgasm occurs that’s a bonus. Easy for a man to say.

Reality is, I love reaching orgasm during our lovemaking and I think it’s okay to work towards it and achieve it when possible. It not only feels good, but it helps relieve tension and makes for a good night’s sleep.;) But having said that, I don’t want to put so much emphasis on climaxing that I lose sight of being close to my husband and maybe becoming selfish during sex, know what I mean?
So just curious if reaching orgasm should be important to us women and something we strive for during lovemaking especially when it’s harder to reach for some, instead of maybe blowing it off and thinking it doesn’t really matter?

This is such a wonderful question, and something I have been pondering a lot over the last few weeks. I cannot say I have the answer, but here are a few of my thoughts.

First, I think that it is really important to know why you have sex in marriage. As I stated in my theology of sex, I believe it’s to glorify God, proclaim and protect the covenant of marriage, and bring unity. It’s also how children are created, and that is of course incredibly central and important. There is nothing in any of these purposes that explicitly point to the importance of the wife’s orgasm, but I also think that our physical makeup gives insight into this. When our Creator formed us, He gave us the clitoris. This is a very special and unique organ made for one purpose: pleasure. God states something pretty spectacular by giving us this organ – we were made to experience pleasure. He could have easily allowed us to orgasm using the body parts that we already had, but no, He specifically gave us a body part that is for nothing but pleasure. And it’s also important to note that when orgasm happens, a hormone called oxytocin is released. This is what is known as the “bonding hormone” – it creates a feeling of connectedness. Endorphins are also released, giving us a feeling of happiness and well-being. When you put all of this together, it seems that God made orgasms to be something that all women experience as a positive, life-giving part of their marriage bed.

So what about reaching orgasm every time? It is important? Should we aim for it? I think the answer is yes, quickly followed by maybe. Yes, orgasm is important. It bonds us to our husbands, it creates the sense of connectedness and well-being. It points to a God who created, understands and is concerned with our happiness. C.S. Lewis says this so well in his Screwtape Letters: “Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s (God’s) ground…He [God] made the pleasure: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one.” God made pleasure, and I think that the benefits of orgasm make it more important than the work it might take to achieve, or the laundry waiting for you, or the time it takes to “get there”. So there is my yes.

Here is my maybe: I do not think the goal or purpose of sex is or should be explicitly to orgasm. God, in His infinite wisdom, created men to experience orgasm and ejaculation simultaneously (at least most of the time). I don’t know why this is. I have no idea why orgasm “comes easily” for men and is work and effort for women. But I do believe that God knew what He was doing. As I stated earlier, the purpose of sex is not orgasm, per se. And whenever we began to want orgasm more than unity, pleasure more than sacrificial love, and that rush of endorphins more than healthy communication – we are in danger of making an idol out of orgasms. This is dangerous ground, and must be avoided. Of course, only you & God know where your heart stands on your desires, so please know that I cannot and am not judging your hearts in this. Just presenting a question for you to ask yourself and the Lord.

To summarize, I think that in a healthy marriage a wife would experience orgasm every time she and her husband had sex unless they were both in agreement that her doing without was okay. This might be for a quickie, or if she was tired but he was needing, or one of many various situations. However, in a healthy relationship I do believe that a wife would reach orgasm almost every time.

That being said, I realize that many of us are not in these relationships. And I think that this is where we learn to hope and pray and give our desires to the Father. There are many situations that are right and good that are not currently active in our lives. This may be one of them. If so, then I pray for you today – I pray that you would have the words to share your heart with your husband. I pray he would have ears to hear. I pray that you would learn to cast your cares upon Christ, and to allow Him to use this (yes, even this) to mold and shape your heart into looking more like Him.

So, what about you? Pull up a chair and lets share our thoughts. Fix a cup of coffee with me and lets chat.
Do you think it’s important to aim for orgasm during sexual encounters? What weight do you think an orgasm should have? Do you agree with my thoughts or do you think I missed something?

I can’t wait to talk.

20 thoughts on “A coffee chat : the wife’s orgasm

  1. Thank you Annabel for sharing this post!!
    Over a year ago I read in someones blog about the clitoris being only for pleasure. It spoke of the hows and whys and was a wonderful article. I have been trying to find it to post on our SOSW ~ but have not been able to find it, so I will use your post today instead 🙂
    I am in total agreement with what you have said here today.
    I must add that in time, if we let our husbands “know” what we like and when things feel good, it can happen (just about) every time!! “IF” we have a sensitive husband that has a biblical view of intimacy. ❤

  2. Good morning, Annabel! I’ve got my coffee and look forward to “chatting” with you and others this morning. 🙂
    I’ve been continuing to read your posts through the Christmas season, but have been too busy to sit long at the computer and post any comments.
    But here I am this morning with a little quiet time that I haven’t had in a while and thought I would “chat” with you.

    I’m the one that asked the question you are addressing in this post and at the time I asked it things were a little different in my marriage. Things had slowed down in the sexual intimacy between my husband and I, and this question came about because of those changes.

    My brief history: I am divorced after a twenty-year abusive marriage and remarried a year ago to the most wonderful, caring, loving man. We are both Christians and have a really passionate love for one another. Our sex life has been amazing from day one and I would say on average we would make love about 4-5 times weekly in the beginning of our marriage, although i would be content with every single day! 😉
    Yet, having an orgasm has been hard for me. I’ve only climaxed once during intercourse, yet am able to through other means although it takes me what I consider a long time, 30-40 minutes. Sorry if that was TMI, but I think it will help in understanding rest of my reply. 🙂
    Around the time I posted the question my husband seemed to be less interested in making love. Suddenly we were only having sex once or twice a week and he no longer was actively pursuing me. And when I would be interested he wasn’t which made it hard to want to initiate sex for fear of being turned down. I was baffled and tried to just accept it without saying anything to him, but when almost a week would go by without sex I began feeling down and not as connected to him. At first I just tried to live with it, but eventually said something to him about wishing we made love more often. He told me that all I had to do was let him know I wanted to make love and we would. I felt a little sad about that because I wanted him to be interested too and not just me asking, kwim?

    Anyway, I came to my own thoughts about why he no longer seemed interested in making love as often and figured it was because it took me too long to reach an orgasm and perhaps it felt like too much work to him, although he has never complained and has always seemed enthusiastic to help me climax. So I thought maybe I should just try not to climax each time and we could have quicker love making sessions, so he’d maybe want to make love more often. But a part of me felt like it wasn’t fair for me to give up experiencing the full pleasure of our lovemaking and then that made me feel like I was being selfish. Amazing how our minds start us on a downward spiral of out of control thoughts when we start speculating about things, huh?.
    Another side note: after sex one night I did make an offhanded comment about how long it takes me to climax to which my husband lovingly replied, “it doesn’t take you too long, it takes you just the right amount of time.”

    Anyway, hence the question…just how important should reaching an orgasm be?
    I didn’t want to make having one become like an idol where that is all I pursued, yet I know that God designed us to experience sexual pleasure so why shouldn’t I allow myself to achieve it?

    Fast forward to this day…a few days ago I sat down with my husband and finally had a heart to heart talk about all of this. I was shaking for fear of making him mad (leftover issues I have from my first marriage where I could not express my feelings) and then the tears came. I finally found the words and let him know that I missed making love more frequently and mainly I needed to know why he didn’t seem as interested. I needed to know if it had to do with me. I just needed to know the reason and then I could handle it better. He told me that his desire for less frequent lovemaking has nothing to do with me and that he enjoys our long lovemaking and bringing me to an orgasm. He just feels that every three days is sufficient for him and yet he said he realizes that he has not been taking care of my need for more frequent lovemaking like he should. We came to a compromise on how often would work the two of us and I told him that just knowing it had nothing to do with me allows me to accept less sex each week.

    Well, this got way too long, but I just wanted to share why I asked the question and where things are today.
    Better go make some more coffee. 🙂

    • Aimee!

      So so glad you came today! I was hoping to hear from you & I am so happy to hear the back story to your question. Looking forward to hearing from others as well because it’s a topic that has actually come up fairly often in comments & other places. And rejoicing with you that you were able to have a heart-to-heart with your husband that resulted in a restored understanding of where you are both at with your sexual desires and goals. Isn’t it so comforting to know you are both on the same page?

      I love what you shared about your orgasmic timing too, because I think that we all take our own good time in reaching the ability to release, and I LOVE how your husband encouraged your heart. Here is a thought on that end that I didn’t get to share in the post. My husband actually doesn’t enjoy sex as much if I don’t orgasm. He loves the feeling that he is taking care of me, and his ability to bring me to orgasm speaks to his masculine heart in such a God-given way. So girl, revel in it! Even if it takes you 45 minutes. Also, just a thought, but being married now almost 7 years has enabled both of us to figure me out lots better. So hang in there – in another few years it might not take you guys quite as long 😉

      Praying for sweet times in your marriage bed this year.

      • Thanks for your comment Annabel. In my first marriage, my ex never tried at all to please me. It was my “problem” as far as he was concerned and in all honesty it took me reading books and learning what brought me pleasure, and it was through masturbation that I discovered how to get that pleasure or release that never, ever came during sex in twenty years of marriage.

        Today I am blessed with not only an amazingly loving marriage, but to have a man who takes great pleasure in pleasing me, and not just sexually. He listens to me, he encourages communication, he just loves me for me. After I talked to him a few days ago he just held me afterward and told me over and over how much he loved me and how wonderful our lovemaking is to him. And THAT was the most soothing, healing balm to my soul.

        I know with being older and my husband unfortunately dealing with ED caused by his blood medication that we will not have as many years ahead of us to enjoy lots of frequent lovemaking, but I can say that the quality is so amazing. And now knowing that my husband does not mind our long lovemaking sessions I can lay back, relax and allow myself to take the time needed to experience the most amazing pleasure. 😉
        We often joke that we had a quickie if it only took us 45 minutes to make love with the both of us reaching orgasm! Haha!

        I’m enjoying reading everyone’s thoughts on this subject. 🙂

  3. I do think it is important to aim for orgasm during most sexual encounters. Really the only time I don’t care to orgasm is when I’m on my period and I just give my husband a special treat to tide him over.

    I think the danger in not seeking an orgasm is that it leaves the husband feeling like he is the only one participating. It would be like going to eat at a restaurant where only one of you enjoys the food. The wife is allowing herself to be used for his pleasure and isn’t allowing her husband to have the pleasure of pleasuring her. My husband loves to know that he has satisfied me. It gives him satisfaction and I think helps him feel manly. I would be stealing that from him if I wasn’t allowing him to regularly take me to orgasm.

    While a woman has to work on achieving orgasm, it is really her husband’s job to make sure it happens. That is him being sacrificial and looking out for her needs and pleasure. A man who rolls over after his orgasm without concern for his wife who needs a bit more time and attention is not caring for her needs. And for the woman who has trouble orgasming, it is time to educate yourself and figure out how to get there. There is lots of great info out there to help you “figure things out” Work on it. Let your husband know you want to work on it. He wants that for you and is probably more than willing to help you out if he knows that you are wanting to let him fulfill you.

  4. I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks from afar. I consider myself a “spicy” wife. My husband and I have been married for 18 years. Since the very beginning, we have averaged sex once a week or less. At first it wasn’t a problem for me because I was young and inexperienced. And then when we had babies/young children I was too tired anyway to care. Once I reached my 30s, however, suddenly sex became a priority for me, but alas for my husband not so much. There are myriad reasons for this. He has dealt with depression/anxiety for many years, and he takes medication for that. He has a stressful job and has been unhappy in his career since I met him, yet has been unable to transition into a job that he loves. He’s too tired, etc., etc., etc.

    I have been disappointed and frustrated by our sexual frequency over the years. However, I must admit that our encounters, when we have them, are excellent! My husband is a very considerate lover and always puts my pleasure before his own. He has ALWAYS made sure I reached orgasm before he does and will take whatever amount of time it takes. Of course, there have been rare occasions when it just didn’t happen, but not for his lack of trying.

    It saddens me that some husbands do not take the time to pleasure their wives to orgasm, and I realize now that even though the frequency is not and may not ever be to my liking, I am truly blessed that my husband makes sure I orgasm with each and every encounter. Reading your comments and those of the other ladies has helped me realize that quality over quantity may be a plus in this case. I think wives should reach orgasm with every sexual encounter, and I would definitely wish that for them.

    • Amy,

      Welcome to the community! Glad you jumped in to the conversation. Your statement echoes so many I have heard from other “spicy” wives. It seems that our lower-drive husbands are all amazing lovers! Seriously, I cannot count the number of times I have heard the statement that “when we do make love, it’s amazing – it’s just not as often as I would like”. I agree with you – I think a wife should orgasm every time if she wants to, and I know it blesses my husband’s heart (just like workinprogress said). I am praying that this year will be the turnaround year for your husband. That he will see God’s hand in his life so clearly. Grace on you as you walk through the challenges of depression and anxiety.


  5. Annabel, I have been reading your blog from day one and I have found comfort and solace here. Thank you for endeavoring to share your heart with other women.
    This particular blog has reached me at a level I didn’t know would be addressed. I have a very loving husband. We have been married for a year and eight months. I am four months pregnant.
    Before I was pregnant, I struggled with him not wanting sex as much as me or at all. I have approached him about this and he always says that he likes sex with me and is attracted to me, but nothing has changed.
    On our marriage night, we struggled with our first time of sex. I almost think he was scarred as a result of this and now is hindered in his confidence. I’m not sure.
    Whenever we do have sex, it is usually at night after everything else has already been done. But this is a problem because he needs his sleep. He wakes up at 4:30 and goes to work at 5:15. He stays at work until 3:30 sometimes. He is a meat cutter, so he physically exhausts himself everyday. He comes home and does not want to do anything. So if we do have sex, I usually initiate it and he either says that he is too tired or he agrees because he has “put me off” too long. And I always try to make it fast so that he can sleep. Our sex is hindered by lack of time. I have asked him if we could have sex at other times, like afternoon, but he usually says not right now.
    I never feel like he is actually interested in sex. This thought is in the back of my head while making love and makes it impossible to enjoy sex, to relax or for that matter orgasm.
    Now that I’m pregnant, it has been a month or two since I have had an orgasm. This also makes me cranky. So now every time we have sex, I strive for release because I need it at this point, but I don’t reach it. Even if my husband pushes himself beyond exhaustion and tries to help me, it doesn’t happen.
    I’m at the end of my rope. I don’t like initiating sex anymore because it doesn’t seem like he wants it and I feel pushy and needy. I hurt inside and I’m even a little bitter. When he has no energy to help me reach climax, I tell him it’s okay, but it’s not. I have been lying.
    Our marriage is hurting in this area and I have no idea what to do next.

    • O dear friend,

      I am hurting with you. One of the hardest things about marriage can be the experiences that we find ourselves having to heal from. My husband and I have a few similar ones & they always seem to come back to haunt us at the worst of times. Your marriage bed sounds like a place where these hurtful experiences are taking their toll.

      I completely understand the pregnancy thing – while many women find they have an increased sex drive/orgasm potential, mine went down quite severely. I also can relate (although not in the specifics) with a husband who works long hours & is tired. Too tired to do much of anything, including sex (which can feel to him like very hard “work”). Here are a few encouragements:
      1. Pray, pray, pray, pray. Prayer changes things. Ask God to give you insight into your husband’s heart and his sex drive. Ask Him to redeem and restore all that has been lost. Ask Him to reveal if there is anything in your own heart hindering the unity and friendship of your marriage. Ask Him if there is any areas you have been neglecting your husband, or that you need to ask forgiveness for. Kneel next to the bed you share with your husband and ask God to break every lie that rules it, ask Him to challenge every deception and bring grace and life and truth to your marriage and your marriage bed. Pray, pray, pray.
      2. Find a time (after your husband is rested – a weekend, perhaps) to sit down and truly talk to your husband. Ask God to give you the words to say, but try and truly express your heart with a genuine concern to hear his and find a common meeting ground. The goal here isn’t fixing everything, it is simply hearing and being heard. Pray over this conversation. Ask God to give you the right questions that will draw out your husband’s heart. Repent for the lying you have done. Tell him you want to find a way to make things right and regain the ground you have both lost. Listen to his heart and see if you can identify things he is needing from you.
      3. Tell your husband how badly you need to orgasm. Be honest with him. Tell him how much you need him. But make sure that you have first communicated deeply on a heart level and that this doesn’t feel like a “to-do list” where you are holding him to task.

      I am praying for you, and I will add you to the list of women I pray for often. Please know you are not alone – you have a community here that will love you and support you and believe the best for you. Standing with you for a restored marriage bed & fullness of life!!


    • Anny1moore,
      My heart aches for you. It is so difficult when one spouse is always so tired, I know, my husband bless his heart, works long hours and is usually too tired in the evenings for making love. And now that he is back to driving his logging truck, he has early mornings like your husband…up at 3:30am and off to work by 4:30am, then early to bed on the week nights. So, for us, making love usually only happens on the weekends and almost always in the mornings. While this is okay, I’m definitely not a morning person sexually, it just takes me longer to get warmed up and going, so when we had our talk the other day this was something we discussed as well.

      I agree with Annabel….pray for God’s help in your situation and then sit down for a real heart to heart talk with your husband.
      Even if you have discussed some of this before, it is so necessary to a healthy marriage to have open communication and sometimes we have to continuing talking about an issue if there has not been any resolution.

      Before I sat down with my husband I prayed for God to give me not only the right words, but a loving, honest heart. And my husband was extremely grateful that I made the effort, as hard as it was, to share my heart with him. I let him know how much I love him and how important staying sexually connected is to me and to our marriage. I explained that to me, having sex in a marriage isn’t or shouldn’t just be something extra, like the icing on the cake. It is as vital to a marriage as all other aspects are and needs nurturing just as much.
      And I’m with you….when it’s been a while since I’ve had an orgasm I get real cranky. 😉

      I pray that you are able to sit down with your husband and share your heart, and that the Lord does an amazing work in your marriage.


    • Your comment touched me Anny1moore – don’t lose hope! I have had (and sometimes still have) similar feelings of hurt and discouragement regarding our sex life and sometimes feel like sex is another chore on my husband’s to-do list. That’s certainly not very conducive to getting turned on, let alone approaching climax! I’m no expert in what can fix this situation as we’re still in the midst of difficulties, but I have high hopes for a new attitude/thought process that I’ve just started to try. It grew out of the way we as a couple view some challenges my husband has gone through. He was having a very difficult time physically and psychologically at the beginning of our marriage (related to events that happened before we met). In fact things were much worse than either of us realized at the time. He still faces struggles, 7 years later, but things are so much better. The thing is, we realized it was much healthier/more joyful to focus on positive aspects of his healing rather than the continuing struggles. I’ve only been applying this attitude to sex for a short time, but I’m hopeful that it will change my outlook. We probably have sex slightly less frequently now than we did earlier in our marriage, but I’m feeling less vulnerable (not asking “why doesn’t he want me?” or “isn’t he attracted to me?”) and more content (realizing I need to enjoy my time, sexual or otherwise, with the amazing man I married). Hopefully this continues! I’m also in the midst of getting a grip on the idea that I can only change myself and my attitude, not his. So I guess what this long comment is trying to say is “stay positive” or maybe “get positive” 😉

      Also, I second the too long between orgasms makes one crabby idea….too true.

  6. I tell men it is their responsibility to do whatever it takes to ensure their wife orgasms every time she wants to – and as many times as she wants to. If she really does not feel the need on occasion, then he needs to respect that (*even though he can’t understand it). If she want to when she is struggling, he needs to be there for her till it’s accomplished.

    In short, it should be as importnat to him as it is to her!

    • Paul,

      How I wish your words could echo in the ears of all husbands! What a wonderful, wonderful message you are telling. Thank you for being a voice of selfless love.

  7. Once you’ve had a fantastic orgasm, of course you’ll want it again…and again and again. That said, I agree that orgasm is not the sole goal. Frankly, most women can get themselves there with their hand or a sex toy faster than they can with their husband, but obviously that doesn’t promote the intimacy that enjoying pleasure together does. Intimacy is a higher goal than climax. There are also times when wives are fine with passing on the orgasm, and I think it’s less important when you’re first starting out with your sex life. Once you know your own body and your spouse’s body better, it often becomes easier to achieve that goal. All that said, I think you did a great job discussing it here. And if orgasm is still an issue for a wife, I did a post on how to orgasm sometime ago: http://www.hotholyhumorous.com/2011/11/if-only-i-could-o.html

  8. I certainly can’t disagree with your thoughts, but I especially want to say thank you for commenting about taking it to God.

    See, I used to orgasm. I don’t know when it stopped, but it’s faded off,a lot. Now, we have a relatively healthy sexual life–making love at least three times a week, on average, while still focusing on the unity rather than idolizing the pleasure–but I say “relatively” because of the consistent emotional hunger and the fact that I’ve practically stopped reaching my climax.

    Perhaps it’s the PTSD, which flared up violently, this year. As a sexual assault survivor, there are obviously some very real effects these seasons have on my interpersonal abilities and bonding on all fronts, including dealing with my own babies. At this point, the anxiety disorder is mostly manageable, and very well so for being unmedicated, but I still have a very high baseline for my anxiety levels, and it greatly effects my health…and I’m sure that’s what’s costing us the most in our sex life.

    That being said, I read about marital sex, a lot, constantly trying to keep ahead of our enemy, and fortify the bonds of our marriage, but as I began to read this particular entry, I felt it. The sadness in my heart when I consider our sex life. I felt the walls between us, which I’ve helplessly watched my own subconscious build for months. And then I recognized the emptiness that haunts my restless, post-coital nights. Loneliness.

    I’m lonely.

    And the lack of orgasm makes it worse.

    And then, the Spirit within me reminded me of what you would say just a few paragraphs in. My husband can’t fix this. I can fix this. But I know a Man who can.

    You’re right. God created sex to bond marriages and (essentially) worship Him…and He does care about the fact that my system was broken. He does want to heal it. He will. But you have not because you ask not.

    Thanks for the reminder. 🙂 I can’t fix this, but I’m going to talk to its Creator, and He will.

    • Thank you so much for your honesty here! I am humbled by your vulnerable words & will be praying for you as you take it to the Lord. I also encourage you to talk to your husband, you are one & the journey towards sexual contentment is as one. I will also be praying for your PTSD – that God would continue to walk you into a place of wholeness, and that your marriage bed would be a part of that journey.

      May you hear the voice of your Creator call you the Beloved.

  9. First, I cannot tell you how encouraged I am to find this resource. I have felt quite alone in the world of “I want sex more than my husband” and especially when I was a newlywed, reading alot of Christian material made me discouraged because it seemed everything was flip-flopped in my marriage 🙂 However the Lord worked it for good and my husband and I have a wonderful marriage, and seek to communicate about everything. So THANK YOU for putting this blog out there!

    I’m going to jump right in and ask a question. Sorry if this is TMI but I have really been struggling with this. After two years of marriage and absolutely loving sex, I thought I had orgasmed just because sex felt so good. Then a year ago I discovered what an orgasm was, by accident (I know, weird right?! 🙂 ), I was reading and it “tickled” down there, and so I started gently rubbing, and that’s what happened (sorry tmi!) Anyway, I immediately told my husband ohmygosh I think I had an orgasm and it was the most amazing feeling ever! And so then we started trying more, he tried to help me orgasm through physical touch, etc, and to make a long story short it’s been a whole year and I have never had an orgasm through intercourse, and I have never orgasmed through my husband’s touch either, even when I try to teach him (and he is SUCH an amazing husband and tries but it just doesn’t work) and so we end up me doing it through physical stimulation and him holding me, etc. I have prayed so much about this, and cried, I love the Lord with all my heart and it just feels so weird to have to do this to orgasm. I wish so much that I could orgasm through intercourse and have tried finding materials with actual how to’s to read, etc. that aren’t from a worldly perspective and haven’t found any help. Can you point me somewhere, a book, a blog post, anything to help?

    Thank you so much in advance. I’m very active at my church and have accountability but the lady I used to talk to about sex moved to be a missionary, I miss her. 🙂 Praise the Lord for this biblically based blog and thank you for your heart for women!

    • Hi & welcome to our community.

      It sounds like you have a wonderful husband, and I have been thinking a lot about this question. First, an awesome source for asking this type of question in The Marriage Bed Forums. Go sign up for an account and ask away. There are some really wise people there who can give you great, great advice. Troll through other’s questions too and see if you can’t get more wisdom. There are boards about some of these more “sensitive” topics that are hidden until you sign up for an account, by the way.

      My personal advice, however, is that it sounds like you two are on the right track! My encouragement is to just keep walking down it. You and your husband are loving each other well – keep at it. Practice makes perfect, so just keep practicing. I would encourage you to continue letting your husband try. Perhaps letting him put his hand over yours as you bring yourself to climax can be one way to help him learn. Or help yourself get “almost” there & then let him try to finish you. Try different positions. Try oral sex v. hands (if you are comfortable with that). Give yourself at least an hour to “play” before you call it. Realize that research shows it can take a husband 15-20 minutes to bring his wife to climax. It only takes 4 for a woman to climax by her own hand. Not that you need to follow those minute guidelines, but just realize it can take 5x longer for him to get you there. Try coconut oil or some other lubricant. Ask God to give you & your husband wisdom as you endeavor to make things happen. Play, play, play.
      But don’t sweat it. Don’t go in with a “I MUST orgasm by my husband’s hand!” – that pressure will probably be enough to make it not happen. And orgasm by intercourse is actually not very common, so just don’t even sweat that. I would put that WAAY on the back shelf as a “wouldn’t that be nice if it ever happened but it probably won’t”. Orgasm by his hand (or mouth) is much easier.

      You are only three years in. That’s not very long, in the grand scheme of things, so be encouraged. Keep on keepin’ on. And check out the Marriage Bed boards 🙂
      Keep having fun!


  10. First of all, thank you Annabel for this blog. I’ve been a struggling HD wife for 13 years now. I knew I wasn’t the only person in this boat but this blog has touched my heart in a new and uplifting way.

    I’ve never orgasmed with or from my husband. My drive was way higher than his from the start so I think a part of me was trying to control my passion for him. I let him assume whatever without ever really letting myself go. We confronted that a few years back, but now nothing. I want him easily every other day, but on average I’d say we have sex once every 2 weeks, most often a quicky, so there hasn’t been a lot of practice. While we’re in the act its not a big deal to me at all if I orgasm or not, I’m reveling in our closeness, but I know we’re both missing out in the grand scheme.

    And I know a big part of it is due to my state of mind. It boils down to the less interested he is, the less I feel like spending time on reaching orgasm when we do finally connect. I don’t feel worthy of spending the time (because I’m still feeling rejected), I don’t want him to be uncomfortable (he’s complained in the past), or bored on my account (cuz if it was fun we’d do more, yes?), and I really don’t want to be unsuccessful if we do try and for him to feel bad and then not get another chance to try again for who knows how long! So, I know I need to just chill and enjoy it, and I do, but to take it to the next level…. there’s a lot of hurt that can occur between our trysts, and it carries over sometimes.

    And yep, before you say “talk about it!”…this is our other issue. My man (and to be clear, he is a good man and I am blessed to be his wife) is very stingy with his words. If it is a real problem and it involves him? Well, I might have a better back and forth convo with a tree. We do manage to talk sometimes, but I need to be very mindful of my words, tone, time of day, time available, and then hope for no distractions …and even then, sometimes he just doesn’t know what to say. I constantly pray for guidance, and I know that through God our relationship will become what it’s meant to be. Still tough though.

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