Hollywood’s message

Hello Monday!
I have been thinking a lot about you ladies recently, and praying the Lord would continue to give me the words to write that would be helpful & life-giving. I have been working on a post on some ideas of how to seduce your lower-drive husband, but it just wasn’t quite put together this morning & so it will have to wait for another day (soon!). Writing about sex is hard, by the way. How much is too much? How do I write in a way that honors my marriage bed & husband, but is still enough information to actually be useful? Still navigating that part of having a marriage & sex blog.

I wanted to go ahead & post something, however, that I think is important to consider as higher-drive spouses. And that is Hollywood’s message to us. So many of the women I hear from talk about the surprise and confusion that they encounter when they realize that the man they married is not the way they thought he would be! I understand.  And me too.
I think that our culture (and unfortunately our churches & premarital counseling) often set us up for marriage bed challenges when they don’t even mention the possibility of mismatched drives. In either direction, really, but in our case the direction of a wife having the higher drive. Once you discover that your husband has a lower-drive than you, it is so vital to guard your heart and eyes from comparison. Of course this is true in all areas of life, but I think there is a unique way in which higher-drive wives must be cautious. And it’s in the messages that Hollywood sends about men & their sex drives.

Recently my husband and I were watching the new Spiderman movie. And one scene struck me so particularly I actually paused the movie to point it out to my husband.

This scene happens when Spiderman gets wounded & shows up to his girlfriend’s house. Here he is, weary from battle and wounded, when he starts to kiss the fair lady. And I mean kiss her. He means business with this kiss. I had to pause and say to my husband – “See that? That is a subliminal message about a man’s sexual drive. Look at this guy – he is wounded and bleeding and here he is making the moves. Seriously?”

As higher-drive wives we might not even notice that these types of images and scenes bombard us with these messages:Real men are sexually excited & ready all the time
Real men initiate sexual encounters every time
Real men have higher sex drives than their wives
Real men are never tired, depressed, struggling – and if they are, it sure doesn’t affect their desires for sex

The truth is ladies – these messages will do so much damage to your heart and your marriage. So be wise. Be sober-minded. Ask God to reveal to your heart when you are being bombarded, and when you are believing that maybe it’s true. Be willing to accept your husband as he is. With his lower-sex drive and all. Ask God to give you the eyes to see his masculinity, and to praise it. Ask Him to give you the humility and Christ-like love to pursue him sexually. Ask Him to help you not to keep score, or compare.

Praying for you today, dear friends. Praying you would have eyes to see and ears to hear – not the messages of the world but the truth of who Christ is. Praying you will see your husband’s through eyes of love, not comparison. Pray for me too. Pray that I would have the words to say what is in my heart, and that I would be willing to serve the man I have been given to.


17 thoughts on “Hollywood’s message

  1. ha! I never thought about it, but you’re right. In the movies, a man can be half dead, but still have the energy for a steamy sexual encounter. That is beyond unrealistic. It is actually quite comical when you stop to think about it. I know that I’m not in the mood for sex when I’m not feeling well, let alone battle wounded… and neither is my husband. Thanks for pointing this out!

  2. I agree with this post completely. The messages are so subtle, and sometimes we buy into them without even realizing it. Every marriage, and every spouse, is different. When we first got married, I was upset because things weren’t like they were “supposed” to be (ie, what the movies and even what Christian marriage books said). My husband is good at reminding me that it’s our marriage, and we live it the way God leads us to, not how others tell us it should be. When I stop comparing and enjoy what it is, I find that our sex life is even better, but when I compare, I get discouraged and upset and that affects everything!

  3. An awesome post, as usual. I truly appreciate you tackling these difficult topics and helping me ‘see’ my husband through God’s eyes – not through the ‘media version’ of how he ‘should’ be. Thank you, and be blessed x

  4. Another great post! It’s so true. The images and messages are everywhere. I have to make extra effort to not allow these damaging stereotypes and lies to play with my mind. The Holy Spirit is the best protection I have for this, leading me and warning me when something isn’t right. All the more reason to stay prayed up! 🙂

  5. Thank you so much, Annabel. Between the movies telling us guys always initiate sex and the novels telling us guys are romantic and always say the right things, we’re sunk if we’re soaking all that in! I needed that reminder today, thank you!
    I am part of (In)couragers, small-groups of women who love the Lord and encourage each other. My group is on writing and though it is not officially open yet, I would like to personally invite you. I haven’t done this with anyone else but I’m telling you about it for 3 reasons:
    1. I think your writing is good and important and would love to see you get some of these pieces published in magazines and such.
    2. I think it might grow your blog readership.
    3. It would encourage you!
    No pressure or anything, just wanted to let you know in case you were interested! Here’s the link: https://www.facebook.com/groups/incouragingwritersinchrist/
    Thank you again for your ministry. It really does matter.
    Kimberly Rae
    Know Your Worth, Change The World

  6. I totally agree that we unknowingly get a LOT of our messages about what is “normal” from the media. My concern is not as much for myself as it is for my 10 year old daughter. I want to protect her from it as long as I can, but she needs to understand why, and she just can’t right now. Even with music. Thanks for the great post.

    By the way, I wouldn’t worry about you saying “too much” because sometimes it is easier in written word than in real life. And we can’t heal and learn if no one talks about anything.

  7. Thank you so much for your post today. I shared it with our SOSW group and here is one of the replies……

    “””Thank you so much! I have to continually be re-evaluating my mind set. I keep thinking – it’s me. He doesn’t desire me. He doesn’t find me attractive. I’m fat. I’m yucky. He doesn’t love me anymore when the reality is – it really IS me – only not that way as above. My thinking is wrong. It’s none of those things. It’s the way he is wired. He is comfortable enough with me to not let that be the main driver for our relationship. I have to remind myself that he is seeing something deeper than the physical and how can I celebrate that. Thanks for posting this!”””

    I am so thankful I was able to share and how it reached out to help this wife.

  8. I agree it’s unrealistic. But is it wrong of me to want him to at least kiss me like he means it every once in a while? Sometimes I just feel so lonely!

    Date: Mon, 14 Jan 2013 15:31:11 +0000 To: susieq_85@msn.com

    • Susie,

      Welcome to the community! I am so sorry that you are experiencing hurt places in your marriage. I hope you know that it isn’t wrong to desire your husband to want you. We are created that way. My encouragement here (and prayerfully it was heard) is that we can so often compare our husbands to an unrealistic standard set for us by Hollywood. And I have found that when I am discontent with the man I love, I am much more prone to compare him to someone else & find him lacking.
      I pray that you are able to communicate to the man you love & find healing & wholeness in your marriage & marriage bed.

    • I hear you, Susie. I’m the more physical one in our relationship (and not just sex). Eventually (about 10 years into our marriage) we had a really good conversation about sexual needs, which helped a lot. About a year after that, we read The Five Love Languages, which helped even more. My wife will never be as physical as I am, but now she knows that when she wants to express love to me, rubbing my arm or kissing me is a lot more effective than cooking a nice dinner. And I know to watch more carefully for the acts of service that she does.

  9. Wow. Just. Wow. I just found this blog today (The Marriage Bed shared it on Facebook). I have felt so alone with marital advice that basically tells wives to stop saying no and give it up – that just doesn’t apply to us! FINALLY, a Christ-based intimacy community that acknowledges that wives can have a higher drive than their husbands! I love this!! You hit the nail on the head here. This is something I’ve noticed and over the years come to realize a message that is misleading and stereotypical. If only someone had told me, before I got married, that this was a possibility, AND that it can be overcome, it would have prevented so much hurt. THANK YOU!

  10. So true! I used to beat myself up when hubby didn’t react to me like a Hollywood character. I rationalized that if only I was as pretty as that actress, then hubby would act and react the same way. But like so much in Hollywood, it is fictional.

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