Good morning, dear friends. I hope this January day is finding you pursuing the heart of Christ. I am still working on my post about seducing a lower-drive husband, and I promise it will be ready for you soon!
I have been really challenged recently by this series of blogs, and if you follow me on Twitter you will see that I encouraged you to read it this morning.
I wanted to share a part of my journey with you all today in hopes that it would encourage you and perhaps challenge you.
I struggle with depression.
This ongoing fight has been present for more years than I can remember, but last winter was the darkest period of my life. I was post-partum and pre-partum. I was “stuck” as a stay-at-home mom in a cold house through dark nights and short days. I was reconciling myself to many, many lost dreams. I needed to grieve. So I ran. I hid myself in books. In fact, in the three months at the start of last year I read over 100 books. Yes, you read that correctly. And they were not life-giving. They were smutty, trashy novels. Anything to get away from the reality I was trying so hard to deny. Any spare moment I had I was sunk deep into my Kindle. If I wasn’t reading, I was crying. Emotions were an overwhelming part of that season, and I didn’t know how to respond to them.
Spring came, and with it some relief. I slowly picked up and moved on. Spring turned to summer turned to fall…and with fall came a sick feeling in my heart. I could feel myself being pulled back into darkness.
Over the past few months I have been fighting the good fight. I have been to see several counselors, and I am currently taking a regime of vitamins with hopes it will help me to crawl out of a deep well. I have a prescription for stronger meds just waiting at the pharmacy, but I am hopeful that through nutrition and suppliments I will be able to face my own personal demons and find that the light of Christ shines in some dark places. I am in a better place than I have been in a long time, and I believe God is meeting me.
But oh, how often I find myself taking two steps back. A few days ago my husband and I got into a really petty argument. Petty. And for some reason that was enough to send me into a tailspin. I have spent the last 48 hours starting into my computer screen desperately trying to escape. Mostly through Hulu, Pinterest and gossip columns about stars. Online junk. And it’s humbling to admit, but when I run away, I run away from everything. Like Evie recently wrote about, I shut down my heart – including my sex drive. I become a shell just doing the minimum to survive. My kids suffer. My husband suffers. I suffer.
I am praying for you today. Praying that you also are clinging to Him. Praying that you are finding the strength to face your own demons and fight. Fight, dear friends. Fight in every way and in every place you know how.
Look to Christ. Have hope in Him alone. Ask Him to rescue you from yourself.
And pray for me today, too. Pray that I would find the courage to do the small, simple tasks that I need to do (hello, Christmas decorations that need to come down). Pray that I would have the strength to focus on my husband, my children, my home.
I treasure you, and this space. Thanks for letting me be honest here.