Living in Truth

Good Monday ladies! My friend Evie is back again today sharing more of her journey of hope as a higher-drive wife. If you haven’t gotten the chance to know her yet, you can read more of her story here, as well as a little more of her experience with some of the nuts & bolts of sex here. Welcome back, Evie, I always love having you!

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Hi, again! God is growing me in understanding my high drive design and I just want to share with you some of how I am walking in line with who He made me to be. I shared in the post, Heart Attitude, how I had opted to shut down my drive to match my husbands, only to realize that in doing so I was also shutting down my heart. Confessing this was life giving.

Beyond confession, though, I knew that I had to live differently. To only confess would be to simply acknowledge the truth. Repentance was what I need to do and involves not only confession, but turning away from wrong living. In repentance we find true transformation, we find ourselves being made new. This stuff is all over Scripture, and often sounds very theoretical; however, when repentance and transformation are played out in everyday life, we see how practical they really are.

For me, repentance has meant being open with my husband about my desires and my sexual need. It has meant speaking up when I long for pleasure or a physical connection with him. It means living in step with the truth of my design, rather than shutting down my design and ultimately living a lie. It may not sound like I am “living a lie,” but when my husband asks, “Is there anything I can do for you?” And I say, “No, I’m happy,” but all the while I am aching for him to be intimate with me, that is living a lie.

So, I’ve stepped out there a bit more. I’ve asked for sex. I’ve asked if we could just play around a bit. It has been so good for me and for my heart.

The catch, though, is that I have to respect his response when he shares that he is happy to make me feel good, but does not feel up to getting anywhere himself. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around that he may not be where I am in regards to desire. I often feel like I am self-centered or wrong if I don’t also cause him to “get there.” But the truth is that my pushing for that goal is actually more self- centered than just letting him please me, if that’s what he truly wants. To not allow him that freedom would make him less and less willing to make me happy if he felt pressure to always “get somewhere” himself. So, while I am learning to speak up and share my desires, I also have to balance that with a respect for him to be exactly where he is…allowing him freedom to not feel what I feel.

For the most part, my speaking up, my being free in my design has gone well. I run the risk of rejection every time; however, that is worth it and has been minimal in happening at this point. And often when rejection does happen, it is simply a result of my husband feeling pressure to “get somewhere” himself. The more I free him up to simply please me and be where he is (whether or not it’s the same as where I am), the more he is willing to engage me sexually, knowing he doesn’t have to get anywhere himself.

I share this part of my story, because, like you, I am learning slowly how to embrace my high drive design. I am learning how to walk in line with truth, not living a lie. I am learning how to share that with my husband in a safe and loving way, where he also is freed to live in line with the truth of his design. This transformation in our marriage is being worked out, so I share it with you, in hopes that you, too, will continue to pursue places of transformation in your own marriage.

Thanks for sharing Evie. What about you, friends? Are you learning to embrace your higher drive?

Praying for you ladies this week. I have a lot on my heart to share – still working on that post about seducing your lower-drive husband and hoping to have it up this week. Can’t wait to hear from you on that one too! Please keep me in prayer as I work on it & try to get it done – I need His words, not mine.

Annabel

11 thoughts on “Living in Truth

  1. Great post! And usual very timely for me.
    As a higher drive wife I have been having difficulty the past couple months with less sex in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year (second marriage for both of us) and in the first year we had a high frequency of love making and he seemed happy about it. Then several months ago his desire for sex seemed to wane and I found myself the sole initiator. Note: our lovemaking is amazing and he still really enjoys being intimate with me, but just seems satisfied with only once or twice a week.
    I was coming to the place of just succumbing to the fact that my husband, bless his heart, just didn’t seem as interested in sex and decided I would just try and ignore my sexual desire and somehow be content with less. But then I found my attitude changing and not for the good. Not only was I getting sexually frustrated from lack of intimacy with my husband (I can go about three days max before I start feeling cranky), but I was starting to take out my frustrations on my husband by being sulky and just not being very nice to him.
    I finally sat down and talked with him about my desires for more intimacy and my frustration at not understanding why it seemed he did not desire me as much. Although he never did come out and explain why his desire has lessened he did really listen and hear what my needs are. And he ended by saying that he needed to make sure he was taking care of my needs more.
    After we talked I then found myself waiting for him to initiate and was disappointed when it still was not happening very much although he was making himself more available to me. So again I became sulky and distant until I realized one day…why would he even want to make love with a wife who is acting that way? My acting distant and pushing aside my desires was not doing me or him any good. I too was living a lie of who I really am and what I really want.
    So I decided enough. It was time to be who I am and stop denying myself and truthfully my husband. Although he still does not initiate much he is an amazing lover and our lovemaking is fantastic, and he is all in when I let him know I’m in the mood. I actually went for it this past weekend when I knew my two sons whom live with us were going to be gone Saturday night. I set a date with my husband for lovemaking and he knew not to plan anything else for that night. I lit candles, put on sexy lingerie and did not deny my desires at all. I very aggressively initiated our lovemaking and I honestly never felt so uninhibited, and he loved it!
    One thing I’ve learned too, is to strive for balance. I know that about three days works well for my husband to have sex so unless I’m extra charged up I find I can wait three days and it’s actually made him for excited for it and me too. There are occasions where I am just really desiring some sexual intimacy sooner than three days and if I let him know ahead of time, like last weekend, he makes sure my needs are taken care of.
    I’m sure there will be days ahead, perhaps even next week, when I may fall back into the sulky mood because I wish he would initiate more making it feel like he really wants me, but I’m praying hard that God will continue to work in my heart and help me to have a good attitude even when things aren’t going like I would want and to help me change those things that I can.
    Blessings!

    • Thank you for sharing your story! It sounds like you are really onto something in learning your husband and finding ways to have your desires met that still respect who he is! Knowing to plan for it or when to space it out are huge helps to him, I’m sure! Plus, I love how aware you are of your own heart attitude…that you know you have sulked, which is not good for either of you! So glad you shared!

  2. I am glad that I found this site, but am a little disheartened. I am reading about husbands who are happy to please their wives when the wife “speaks up” about her needs. I have let my husband know that I would like to be intimate more often, but he doesn’t seem to think that he needs to help me meet those needs. Also the above commenter said that her hubby is happy with once a week, whereas I would love to have sex a couple times a week, but my hubby would be happy with once a MONTH! Am I the only one who has such an extreme situation where they feel that their spouse is not even trying to meet their needs, and/or doesn’t really care about sex at all?

    • Shaunassy,

      You are SO not alone. In fact, there are many many women in your shoes. If you keep reading the comments you will find many of them. I would encourage you to read these posts – many of the comments here will be more along the lines of what you are experiencing.
      Is my husband’s lower drive my fault? (and Pt. II)
      Permission to grieve
      Expectations in our marriage bed
      Go low

      I have actually found that there are probably many more wives like you than there are like Amy & Evie. I thank God that their husband’s are where they are at, but many who are higher-drive have husband’s whose drives are much less than ours, and who are not as willing to serve in the same way. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I encourage you to continue to pursue your husband – often as a higher-drive wife it is up to us to bear the responsibility of sexual encounters. It may not be what we wished for, but it is what it is. I also urge you to PRAY. Our most powerful tool is prayer – use it daily. Use it every minute. Truly bring your husband and your marriage and your sex life before God.

      I am praying for you, and I want you there are many other women like you.

      Annabel

      • I agree with Annabel, here, and will pray for you and your marriage. I am praying for transformation in your marriage and in your husband! And also, just to confirm what you feel, I have read that individuals often fall with in the “once a day” or “once a week” or “once a month” category in regards to the frequency of sex he or she desires. While someone wanting sex “once a month” is not necessarily abnormal, when matched with a spouse with a much higher desire, it can create a world of hurt, especially when the less frequent spouse is unwilling to meet the more frequent spouse where he/she is. Praying for newness and hope in your marriage!

        • Thank you for the encouragement ladies. I was worrying that once again I was alone in my situation and lost. I really appreciate your posts Annabel. Thank you.

  3. Hi ladies.

    Anabel, I really appreciate this blog!! For the better part of the first 23 years of our marriage, I basically refused my husband. That was a result of not dealing with quite a few issues in my life, as well as not obeying God in meeting my husband’s needs. I think he basically shut down. But a few weeks ago, God blessed us and now our marriage bed is a marfriage bed again! And we are talking, and talking about feelings even! Who knew??! It’s amazing.
    Our issue is that I am not having orgasms, and he seems less than willing to try and learn. And I want to have an orgasm every time we’re together. That’s just me. I participated in masturbation pretty much daily (high need) for years even as I was denying him (I know, just awful) (1775 days clean) and now I am being tempted with that again because I have not had an orgasm in so long. Our schedules don’t match up at all and he wants me to go to bed with him (I meet his needs and get up after he is asleep). I’m beginning to feel a bit resentful. There doesn’t seem to be time or willingness on his part to meet my needs. I love to be with him, feel the connection, and am amazed at the transformation in our marriage in the last month, but I am left wanting (and sometimes physically hurting).
    Do any of you have any suggestions?

    …Lisa

    • Hi Lisa,

      Welcome to the blog & being a spicy wife 🙂 So glad you are here. Rejoicing with you in that your marriage bed is experiencing healing! I haven’t been in your particular situation, and obviously only know what you have told me, so take anything I say with oh, at least seven grains of salt 🙂

      First, it sounds like your marriage bed has only been “turning around” for a few weeks. If you are coming back from a nearly 23-year journey of brokenness, well – it is just going to take time. Also, it might be possible that your husband is still hurt from all those years of rejection and is not quite sure that his new and willing wife is here to stay. So while he is grateful for the sex, he might not be ready to jump in full force to the whole thing (foreplay and the etc. that might be necessary for you to orgasm). I am not saying it’s right, but I am saying it may be the case. Continue to walk in patience and love towards him. Don’t withhold, don’t “make him pay” – love him and serve him without conditions. Patience, I think it may take a whole lot of patience.
      Second, it sounds like you are talking. THAT IS WONDERFUL. Have you tried talking (lovingly and gently) about this? Has he said he is unwilling? Has he said why? Ask God to give you the words to use to try and communicate about this – find a good time, and share your heart. But again, realize that he is dealing with years and years of hurt. It may take months for him to truly trust the change. I have found that my husband bringing me to orgasm is an emotionally vulnerable place – for both of us. Recognize it may be the same for him. But when you feel it is right and WISE – try talking about it. Let him know you are physically hurting. Perhaps he would be willing to hold you while you bring yourself to orgasm (if you pray & feel it is okay)? That way you get the relief you need while still engaging your husband? Or maybe there is another creative way you can reach orgasm with your husband’s involvement (vibrator, etc.)?
      Finally, pray. Pray, pray, pray. Pray over your marriage bed. Pray over your own sexual needs. Ask God to help you orgasm during intercourse. Ask God to give you the grace to go without. Pray over the conversations you will have. Pray your husband sees you as a new woman – truly. Pray, pray, pray.

      I hope this is a helpful place to start & I want you to know I am praying for you today – for your marriage and your heart. Rejoicing with you for what God has done – and believing with you for what He has yet to do.

      A

      • Thanks SO much Anabel for so thoughtfully answering my comment!

        You’re right in that it has only been a few weeks of turnaround. Thank you for helping me to see how selfish I am being in wanting my needs met right away when I have been denying him for so may years! Looking at it from his point of view, I can see how he still might be (probably is) hurting. And probably doubting if this “new Lisa” will last. His schedule is crazy so it means that in order to meet his needs, I need to be flexible. And I am meeting his needs and expressed wants. I love the closeness and skin to skin, etc. But I want an orgasm too. I am one of those women who wants an orgasm every time. It’s hard.

        Yes, we are talking for the first time really in our marriage…and about sex too!! Who knew???! It’s great. I feel freed. I hope he feels the same. He has not said he is unwilling but his schedule is not allowing much time for more exploration and learning for me to orgasm. It takes much less time to meet his needs. 🙂

        Thanks for those suggestions. In the past he has expressed strong convictions against vibrators and either of us bringing ourselves to orgasm even while together and holding each other. So we are going to have to learn together.

        I am praying but you gave me specific things to pray about that I had not thought of. My husband is already seeing me as a new woman. He ACTUALLY told me the other day that I am looking more beautiful these days! I’m no model, could stand to lose 20 lbs and I walk with a walker. I cherish those words!

        My husband is not a Christian. Maybe this change in me, with me letting him know that it came from God can lead him back to God!!!

        ….Lisa

  4. Lisa,
    Annabel did such a wonderful job answering your questions that I want to just echo what she shared! I am so glad that there is a turn around, a new life, and a new freedom in your marriage! I am praying right now that God would shine through you to your husband, that your husband would indeed see that this change in you is God transforming you and that your husband would turn to God! That is my most prominent prayer for you and your marriage.
    I will also pray for continued healing and uniting in your marriage relationship, especially regarding sex. I think Annabel’s suggestions of asking, listening, and talking with your husband are excellent suggestions, especially in regards to your desires and even physical discomfort. I pray that your husband’s heart wounds would be healed so that he would be able to reach back to you. I also pray that your needs would become a priority…and that as they become a priority, that your husband would prioritize “exploration time” to learn how to bring you to orgasm. I would imagine that you feel often let down if you are not experiencing orgasm, especially after years of masturbation. I, like Annabel, would encourage giving your husband time, not only to heal, but also to learn how to “get you there”…and I would encourage you to talk about physical discomfort. For true unity, it is important that he knows what is happening with you, too…and that you work together to make it at a minimum a comfortable experience for you both.
    Praying for you!!!

    • Thanks you so much evie marie for you reply! You really put into words very well a couple of my thoughts and Annabel’s that touched my heart.

      1. I also pray that your needs would become a priority…and that as they become a priority, that your husband would prioritize “exploration time” to learn how to bring you to orgasm.
      2. I would imagine that you feel often let down if you are not experiencing orgasm, especially after years of masturbation.

      The things is he works very long hours. We have talked about more time for us, and some of how I am feeling. He does not about the years of M.

      It all will take lots of time and lots of talking and lots of prayer.

      Maybe this turn around that God is making happen inn my heart will bring him back to God!!

      Thanks again!

      …Lisa

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