The power of the lower-drive husband

On Friday I wrote about how we as higher drive wives hold the initiating cards in the sexual part of a marriage relationship (as a general rule of thumb, not as a undeniable fact). Today I want to talk about how the lower drive husband holds the power cards. (I have to give a shout-out to Corey Allan who wrote about this on Hot, Holy and Humorous a few months ago, and probably did a much better job than me – go read it).

While I am writing specifically about a higher drive wife and lower drive husband, I want to point out that this particular phenomenon is applicable to all “sexually mismatched” couples.
As I mentioned on Friday, a higher drive wife holds the responsibility (most of the time) for initiating sex. If for no other reason than the simple fact that she desires more sex, she will be the one to ask for/seduce her husband. And this is hard, especially since the message higher drive wives receive is that they are going to be (and perhaps even “ought to be”) sexually pursued. Almost every woman I know, before she is married, has heard the “you will need to give your husband sex when you don’t want to because he will need it so much more than you do” talk. This can be spun in a positive light (i.e. “you are your husband’s source of sexual joy so serve Christ by serving him”) or a negative one (“all men are over-sexed creatures who need it way too often so you better be prepared to put out”).  For any higher-drive wife, these messages become incredibly confusing as we end up becoming the ones who are pursing our husbands sexually. This is because the reality of marriage is that the higher-drive spouse pursues, and the lower-drive spouse holds the power cards.

In real life this means that your lower-drive husband has the power to say no. He can veto your advances. Of course, you obviously are able to say no too, but higher-drive spouses rarely have that opportunity. We are the ones initiating – they are the ones responding. For better or worse, this means that your husband can say no. And, unfortunately, there are many of us who have experienced this – sometimes quite painfully.

So what can you do about it?
First, and most importantly – pray. Pray, dear women. Pray for your husband’s hearts. Pray for your marriage bed. We all too often neglect the power of prayer.
Second, this can be really important information to share. Using wisdom, gentleness and good timing – you may want to share this with your husband. Often times the lower-drive husband doesn’t even realize how much power he holds. So, if you find it to be wisdom, you may want to try to share this information (or forward him an email with this post for him to read in his own time).
You can continue to go low. You can serve your husband’s emotional needs. You can seduce him every way you know how. You can make your home a place of warmth and love.

Ladies, I will not deny that we are in a hard place. For many of us it means that we are being stretched in our idea of what is normal. We are working on our communication. We are learning to navigate life in marriage as a higher-drive wife. But for some of us it means consistent rejection and pain. It means tears and questions. I am praying for both groups today. I am asking God to intervene in marriages, to bring healing and newness. Would you join me? Right now, wherever you are, will you take a minute to lift up the marriages that are facing challenges? Even if your own is in a hard place – will you lift up others as well? May each of you feel a special grace today as you read this post, knowing that others are praying for you right now.

On a last note, I have to take a minute to address any lower-drive husbands that are here. May I kindly beg of you to bring your own heart before the Lord? Would you ask Him if you are holding the cards of power in a way that is pleasing to Him? Are you being Christ to your wife – denying yourself, taking up your cross? Are you bearing your cross as Christ bore His – with great love, and without comparison? I am praying that you would see yourself with eyes of truth, and hear the Lord’s voice for your own marriage and marriage bed.

I love you, spicy women. I am honored to be here sharing my heart, and I LOVE hearing from you – so if you haven’t said hi in a while, please do!


3 thoughts on “The power of the lower-drive husband

  1. Every post of your’s I read I find myself saying, “amen, Amen, AMEN!” Your blog is such a blessing! It’s so nice to know that I’m not the only one out there! I specifically remember that “talk” my mom had with me. She said, “He’ll NEED sex. You won’t NEED it. You’ll want and it will be special, but you won’t NEED it like he will.” Quite frankly, that talk was somewhat detrimental to my thinking. It made me think something was WRONG with me. 9 months into marriage, so happy to know that nothing is wrong, it just is what it is! ❤

    Annabel, you're such a blessing to spicy wives everywhere! Keep up the good work! God bless ❤

  2. You say to pray for our husbands and our marriage bed.Honestly I don’t know what to pray. The things I want to pray for seem wrong or selfish. I’ve learned that my husband having a lower drive doesnt mean theres anything wrong with him, so is it okay for me to pray for him to pursue me more? Also, in talking to my husband, is it ok for me to ask him to meet my need sometimes? but when I think of that I feel horrible like sex with me is a chore for my husband and if my husband is unwilling to humble himself I fear I may resent him for not loving me in a Christlike way. I’ve talked to my husband about our mismatched-ness and I know I won’t get sex as often as I’d like but those times when it’s been days or a week or longer and I want it, I don’t know what to do because I assume I’ll be rejected like I have been most of the time. I sometimes feel selfish for wanting sex so much because I know I could just delight myself in God and that I should be able to love and serve my husband well no matter how he loves and serves me.
    I havent been as prayerful about this issue as I should. Mainly I want to know what to pray.

  3. Today was the first time I ever visited your blog, and I have to say I am so incredibly blessed and relieved to find SOMEONE out there who is talking about these issues of “mismatched sexual drives!” I have been married for 4 years and let me tell you, they have been four of the most frustrating years of my life! I am married to an incredibly kind, loving, ambitious, loyal and integrity-filled man…who happens to have a low sexual drive. NOBODY in my circle of well meaning Christian friends ever mentioned that this could ever happen!! So much pain and fighting and tears could have been avoided had I have known that’s what was going on in my marriage! And then God led me to your blog just today and I feel like finally I have some answers to all my frustration and growing insecurities. I finally feel like there isn’t something wrong with me! Or him, for that matter. Just as our energy levels and preferences are different, so is our sex drives. I am still coming to grips with this revelation, but I know through prayer and humility, perhaps God can heal my pain and help me cope with our sexual situation. PLEASE keep your words of wisdom coming!

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