A Coffee Chat : Sexual connections

Good morning, sisters! I have said this before, but I truly mean it. I write because I would rather talk. If I could do anything, amazing friends, I would pull you through my computer into my (messy) living room to share a cup of coffee. I would probably try to bake something with pumpkin (again). And fail (again). We would eat it anyway. We would talk for a long time about our God-given husbands and how to serve and love them better. We would share our heart’s stories. We would cry together, and laugh.
Since that is not possible, I try to host these “coffee chats” where we can all come and talk. I pray it is as life-giving to you as it is to me, and hope you will choose to engage. 

A reader asked a question a few days ago that got me thinking. Here is what she asked:

A question for you ladies, when you initiate, are you ready to go straight to intercourse after a short amount of time (5-10 minutes) or do you need longer amounts of foreplay as if your husband was initiating? I am slightly higher drive but husband feels like I should take the reins more regarding my pleasure when I desire intimacy sooner. I desire the physical and emotional connection of being intimate but am not necessarily already aroused when I want to initiate. It’s been a struggle explaining this to hubs and figuring out a solution that keeps us both happy. Any suggestions of helping him understand that my desire isn’t solely for intercourse but for the full connection of sex with my spouse?

The last part of that question just jumped out at me – so lets talk about it!

First, as a higher-drive wife do you still need “warming up”? (Trusting you amazing women to not get too graphic here – I love you, but I don’t really want to picture you in bed with your  man ;))
Second, is there something in sex that helps you to feel connected? Orgasm? Foreplay? Looking into each others eyes?
Finally, does your husband understand your need for connection in sex? Have you communicated to him the need for the full connection? If so, how? If not, any ideas on how you would word it?

Go make a big pot of coffee and let’s talk – cannot wait to hear your thoughts on this one 🙂


15 thoughts on “A Coffee Chat : Sexual connections

  1. Hmm, not sure how she can explain this to her husband. It actually sounds like he is being a bit selfish here and not wanting to invest time in their lovemaking. Kind of like a wife who says “I’m not really in the mood, but I’ll be happy to oblige you for a quickie.” Perhaps her husband is seeing her desire for sex as purely a physical release.

    Perhaps a sports analogy might speak to him. You could compare lovemaking without foreplay to seeing only the final winning touchdown or home run of a game. Say, “Would you be satisfied watching just the kick-off (is that what it is) and the final quarter of the Superbowl? I don’t think many men would qualify that as really getting to enjoy watching the game. Same with lovemaking. Lovemaking begins with the first touch, kiss, caress, visual, whatever, and everything leading up to orgasm defines the lovemaking experience. To by-pass all the “plays” between initiating and the final orgasm would definitely leave me feeling unsatisfied.
    I don’t even think I could pick between orgasm and foreplay. They are both such an integral part of lovemaking for me.

    • I love the idea of speaking in an analogy – I find this is helpful for communicating with my husband, too. I think my two-cents on that note is just to make sure that when you do communicate, do it with gentleness and a whole lot of love. The goal of communication is for the other person to hear your heart and see your perspective. I know my husband has so often felt attacked when I communicate “emotionally”, even if that isn’t my purpose.

      • Very true.. we have to make sure to keep our emotions in check when we are trying to communicate. I always try to remember that conversations go much better when they are a bit distanced from the event. For example: I wouldn’t try to talk through a sex issue right after an encounter that didn’t go so well. I’d wait until the next day to bring up the discussion. I find this goes over much better.

  2. I agree we girls need the whole enchilada of emotional connection in every sexual encounter. But I need it in varying degrees- depending on the day, my mood, length of time since the last time. Sometimes I just need to initiate and be prepared for a short time of foreplay. On those days if my man feels pressure to be all “into” the foreplay, it can actually stall the event. So if I want it to happen, I must be mentally aroused ahead of time (yes, sometimes a challenge); but the closeness I need may actually come after my orgasm.
    It is important that he know how I am wired for the connection that comes from foreplay- and he does. But, expectation of a “longy” when a “quickie” would go over better, can create some pressure. And in this whole area of love-making pressure is our enemy.

    • I have to agree! I need a connection everytime, but the necessity of length or depth of the encounter can vary day to day. The only way I know to get what I need and want, when I want it, how I want it is to communicate, communicate, communicate. The other day my hubby suprised me by going along with my request for a quickie at an unconventional time. There’s no way he would have known how much I needed that if I hadn’t have asked him, then told him what it meant to me. I don’t like asking most of the time, but it’s better than not having what you want.

      • Yes and yes. It really blows my mind how much communication is necessary for a healthy sex life. I have to talk often – several times a week, it seems, for us to be on the same page! Oh why can’t that man read my mind? Probably for the same reason I can’t read his 😉

    • Hi Joan! I have missed you 🙂 Good to see you on here again.

      Love your thoughts about knowing ourselves – isn’t that so true? I think learning myself is probably one of the most challenging things. I remember once reading that knowing yourself takes work – and I can be very lazy!!
      I also agree wholeheartedly that pressure is such an enemy in sex – especially where orgasm and intimacy are concerned. I have noticed the same thing with my own husband – if he is feeling the “pressure” to perform then our sexual encounter usually isn’t as sweet.

      Thanks for stopping by today – I sure like having coffee with you 🙂

  3. So I thought I should probably engage my own questions 🙂

    First, I am usually pretty fast at “warming up”. That being said, I find that thinking sexual thoughts is really helpful to that end. In fact, if I am wanting to “pounce” on my husband, I try to spend a few minutes getting myself revved up mentally before approaching him so that I can be as ready as possible for whatever might come.

    Second, for me, orgasm is probably my number one way to connect. I really enjoy foreplay (and that is where I most easily orgasm), but find that even if foreplay is short, it’s okay if I orgasm. If we have sex without that, however, I find that the “warm, fuzzy feelings” of connectedness don’t happen as easily for me.

    Finally, I would say that my husband’s realization of my need for sex, and how important it is to me, was the breakthrough moment for us. While I didn’t necessarily communicate that I needed the emotional connection, I did try to help him see that I needed him. And I needed him in a way that no one else could provide (even myself). When my husband has sex with me – when he brings me to orgasm – it bonds my heart to him. It helps me not to look at other men. It guards me from adulterous thoughts. It helps me to see only him. It makes me think he is funnier, more handsome, more wonderful. I am not sure why, but after much prayer & asking God for His presence – a conversation where I humbly begged my husband for his help & confessed my great need for him was the moment (for us), where it all began to change.
    Praying today for all of you ladies who need to communicate to your husbands – may God grant you so much grace & wisdom!

  4. I often have to initiate, but don’t feel the need for orgasm each time. It actually happens…. not so often. But I still love the connection with my husband, and get a bit depressed when we go too long without connecting in this way. Am I the only one who doesn’t feel the need for orgasm in every encounter? I love it when I do, but don’t feel “jipped” if it doesn’t happen. I wish my husband could understand this better.

    • Thanks for coming & commenting! I don’t think I would say I feel “jipped” without orgasm. I just don’t feel as connected without it, but Mr. Spice & I have had good sexual encounters without me coming to orgasm. I am just like you, though, and I also find myself getting depressed it we haven’t had sex in a while.

    • Just to chime in…while I absolutely love to experience an orgasm, I don’t know that my experiencing an orgasm is necessary for me to feel satisfied with every encounter. I would say that I orgasm in most sexual encounters; however, I don’t feel that it is necessary for me every time. I think a better way to express this would be to say that I love the pleasure my husband gives me…sometimes it results in amazing orgasms that either relax me, energize me, or make me cry because they are just…so…amazing. Other times, the pleasure my husband gives me is simple and enjoyable and satisfying…and I am not even sure that I even reached orgasm. My hope is to enjoy our time together and feel connected at the end of that time. If we both reach orgasm, awesome…if not (but we still enjoyed being together and feel connected), then that’s awesome too. I hope that helps!

  5. I think that the real answer is to communicate and then do it some more . One thing to remember is that foreplay is mostly mental so here is what I do. Since my hubby and I have been married for 31 years and I am the slightly higher drive one – I have in past year been writing notes and sending text messages. Those notes/text messages can be xxx-rated or just encouraging depending on what I need to communicate. Sometimes I let him know exactly what I need or maybe I paint him a word picture so that gets the fires burning. Sometimes I need to orgasm or other times I crave giving him pleasure but I always try to communicate those needs. Another thing that has helped us with his crazy work schedule and our homeschooling our 3 kids is that we regularly schedule sex or an intimate encounter then on occasion it is a spontaneous encounter. Sometimes , since we a have teenager/preteens in the house, we rent a hotel room with the express intention of playing and having sex. By scheduling sex then it helps me to engage in mental foreplay and him to reciprocate then we are both ready for our time together

  6. After 23 years of marriage, I can say that more is always better! And I believe that our husbands need to learn from us that intimacy means so much more than just intercourse. And we need to learn from our husbands that sometimes you go straight to the point. There’s lots of time to practise so take it. Thanks for sharing about this personal subject with us at No Ordinary Blog Hop. Every blessing, Kelly.

  7. I think it is very individual from woman to woman, and that one cannot generalize. My wife is high drive and is really not into foreplay, she is just too sensitive and gets over-sensitive and uncomfortable from foreplay. Our ‘foreplay’ generally involves a minute or so of kissing and then straight onto the main course. Any longer and she will start getting irritated. In fact, we have found that the best way to indulge my enjoyment of foreplay is after she has had a couple of orgasms from intercourse first, as this seems to reduce her sensitivity to a level where she can accept and enjoy oral, manual or toy stimulation. And orgasm for her is definitely where she feels our intimate connection.

    • SHH,

      Thanks for chiming in here as a husband! I think the thing I love most about this reply is that you & your wife have obviously found a way to enjoy each other and sex in your own way. You serve your wife by giving her intercourse first – she serves you by engaging in foreplay afterwards. What a wonderful picture of how marriage ought to work – very individually & by learning & growing together! So thanks!

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