The friend of the spicy wife

I so clearly remember walking down the aisle towards the man I had longed for and dreamt about. It was a beautiful day – the perfect weather, the perfect dress, our family and friends present to watch us make our covenant together. I remember the joy I had as we exchanged vows, and the excitement I felt for what was to come. The day turned into night and finally, finally, our hotel door closed. It was just the two of us. Excitement turned to nerves as we both realized what this meant – we were about to become one. Finally, all the waiting was over.

The wedding night and honeymoon were wonderful. We were virgins who had kept ourselves for each other. We laughed and enjoyed each other, relieved that we were finally free to enjoy God’s gift of sex. Then it was back home to set up real life. Soon, however, I began to notice something strange. There were many days when I desired sex, and he didn’t! Impossible – the man always wants sex more than the woman…right? I thought it was just a fluke. A strange coincidence. But it happened again. And again. And again. The fluke was becoming a pattern.

Almost seven years and many, many tears later, I have realized one very important thing. I am a “spicy” wife. One of those not-as-rare-as-you-might-think women who desires sex more than her husband does. Consistently. While there isn’t very good research right now on this phenomenon, statistics seem to indicate that as many as 1-in-4 marriages have a higher-drive wife. But as I found out (the very hard way), no one talks about it. I looked to find support and help, and all I found was sources saying something was wrong with one (or both) of us. I grew so discouraged by the words I found written to lower drive wives to be adventurous and sacrificial in the marriage bed. I remember literally throwing a book across the room as I cried – how strange I was! I must be so broken! It wasn’t supposed to be like this!
After much counseling and prayer, I have realized something very important. There are many, many of us. Sitting silently, grieving privately. We sit with a false smile on our face as our friends bemoan their husbands sex drive. We struggle with comparison and questions. We are lonely, often conflicted, and sometimes deeply hurt.
Or perhaps we are just confused – because we love sex and would like more of it – why don’t our friends seem to feel the same way? Irregardless, we stay silent.

Want to read the rest of my story? I am blogging today at Warrior Wives. Excited to be guest posting with my friend Elizabeth, and I hope you will come over to hear 5 ways you can befriend a higher-drive wife.


6 thoughts on “The friend of the spicy wife

  1. I’ve commented here before but I can only say it again- you hit the nail right on the head with your description/explanation. It can get so tiring at times saying the same thing over and over to a lower drive spouse. You feel like, gee, haven’t I said this before… don’t you care? It’s hard. Right now I am 9 & 1/2 months pregnant – facing a c-section in a matter of days. I would really like sex before I have a 6 week recovery from my c-section… but I dont’ know if that’s going to happen. Its so hard.

    • Thanks for your words of encouragement. Praying for you as you face wonderful & challenging days ahead. Praying that your husband would hear your heart & respond. Praying that you have the grace to be a mom in hard days.

  2. Your blog was never neglected and I always enjoy reading your updates, so good luck with everything at work and keep blogging!

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