It hurts : A message to higher-drive wives

Today’s post is an excerpt from my guest post with Brad & Kate at One Flesh Marriage.
If you are like me, you remember your wedding day with clarity. Mine was such a precious day – joining myself to the man that I had never believed I would marry.  Becoming a wife – a joy I never truly thought I would experience. We came into our marriage as virgins, and I came in with the usual words of wisdom ringing in my ears. “Sex will be a wonderful gift between you and your husband. But be warned – men need sex much, much more than women. So be ready to sacrifice and serve him. Be ready to say yes much more than you probably want to.” The words were communicated in a loving and healthy way, but I still remember struggling with fear. The man I loved was probably going to turn into some sort of sexual beast-monster after marriage! Could I truly handle his incredible needs? 
 
The marriage bed came – full of wonder and bliss. In fact, I loved it so much that during our honeymoon my husband had to say “Can we take a break?” I thought it was an unusual but isolated incident. We came home and set up “real life”, and I found that the “isolated incident” was in fact, a way of life. As weeks turned into months and then years, a definite pattern emerged. I wanted sex often. He didn’t. I felt sex connected us. He felt it was the result of our connection. I wanted us to be intimate after we had been angry with each other. He couldn’t find the emotional reserve to try and sexually connect when we had argued. 
I cried so many tears. I heard “no” in one form or another so many times. Sometimes it was said with kindness. Other times it was a simple cold shoulder, a turning of the back. I wondered what was wrong with me – how could I be so sexually driven? Was I unattractive? Was I the sexual beast-monster? I wept for the marriage I had dreamt of, and wasn’t living in…..
Would you like to read more? Come join me at One Flesh Marriage today as I write about what it means to be a higher-drive wife.
Have you come over from One Flesh Marriage today? A few places to start:
Are you a higher-drive wife? A compilation of some helpful posts.

4 thoughts on “It hurts : A message to higher-drive wives

  1. Thank you so much for your posts. I’m so blessed every time I read one. I don’t know what drive I am yet but I’ve been learning so much and I trust God that when in married and I find out what drive I am, I can apply some of the lessons I’ve learnt from your “letters”. God bless and keep you and your marriage. Thank you.

  2. I so identify with this specific sentence: “I felt sex connected us. He felt it was the result of our connection.” I’ve learned that that isn’t necessarily a bad; however, it requires that my husband and I both are selfless in understanding and serving each others’ sexual design. As always, thanks for sharing!

  3. I can not explain to you how grateful I am to read your story and know I’m not the only one! To know that it’s ok to HURT so badly over this issue….that it’s serious to someone else besides just me!! Every emotion and feeling you described is exactly how I feel…it’s so saddening. Thank you for sharing and I will def be following this blog!

    God bless you…
    Danica
    NJ

  4. Reknowned sex therapist and marriage counselor David Schnarch says in half of his cases, the husband is the lower drive partner, for what it’s worth.

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