I grew up with an amazing woman as my mother. She willingly transplanted from a place of security and comfort to a place full of strangers and foreign ways. She selflessly set aside her own desires to follow the Lord in raising a family and being an amazing wife. She is brave, wise and faithful.
But, like so many of us, she has been deeply hurt. I only have seen shadows and heard whispers of what happened. But I know it was sexual in nature, and I know it wasn’t right. I know it happened in her adult years, and I know that it happened at the hands of someone she should have trusted. And it colored her world. That, along with other situations that I cannot begin to fathom, made my mother an angry woman. My childhood years have memories of her laughter…and her raised voice. I remember her being a gracious host…and I remember being afraid of her responses to little things I would do.
And, like every child, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be like her in those ways. Never, my heart whispered.
And now it is 30-something years later. And I have my own little children, who are still young enough to look at me with eyes of adoration. My personality isn’t cut out for this stay-at-home life. I thrive on change. I love the challenge of starting something new. Routine is deadly to the life in my heart.
And here I am, a stay-at-home mom. Routine is my middle name. Maybe my first. Hi, nice to meet you – I’m Routine.
And the frustration of this God-called life? It finds its way out in anger towards my kids.
Last night I lay in bed and confessed to my husband that I struggle with inconsistency. My little ones have no idea if they will get happy mom or angry mom. I raise my voice at things that just yesterday I greeted with a laugh. I see it in the eyes of my oldest. Fear…and it crushes me.
Confession is good for the soul.
And it’s true – my confession to my husband, my laying bare my mistakes and my failures – it brings life and healing. I find that today I am a little more inclined to choose life. I am a little more apt to look at life and try to find solutions to this season, and not just react to the circumstances around me.
It may seem small, but it is not. Unconfessed sins fester.
So today, I urge you to find a safe place to confess. Ask someone to come alongside. Know that you aren’t alone. We all struggle with secret sins…we all have habits from our history that are causing someone else pain. We need the healing that Light brings.
Praying for you today, sisters. Praying that you would see with honest eyes where you need to confess, and repent. Pray for me, too. Pray that I would embrace this season, with all of its routines, as a gift from Him. As they say, “the days are long, but the years are short.” I want to look back on these short years and see my hands consistently open in surrender.