All is well, and yet…

Good morning, sisters –

I was thinking this morning about what the perspective of someone who might come to this blog would be on the reality of my marriage as it currently exists.

And so I thought I should share. A year and a half ago I got “the news” from my husband – and that led to to a year of breaking, and a year of being made whole. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. We are more connected. We laugh easier, we forgive quicker, we see each other and offer grace.

And yet…
We still struggle to connect sexually.

Here is what I want you to know –
A whole marriage and a happy marriage does not necessarily mean a marriage where sex has been perfected (either in it’s actual performance or its regularity). I thought when our marriage was finally healed, our sex life would function as I have always hoped. In fact, I thought a fully-functioning sex life was an obvious and required part of that healing.

But guess what – that’s not necessarily the case.

So why do I tell you this?
To give you hope.

Your marriage functioning well does not necessarily look like your marriage bed functioning perfectly.

To expound, here is what I am not saying:

Our sex life is a regular, healthy pattern – there are many reasons for this (hello, children, I am looking at you), but whatever the case, our sex life isn’t functioning with any sort of regularity.
We always connect well sexually – just recently we had a complete bomb-out. It ended with both of us feeling a bit hurt and miscommunicated with. And no sex took place.
We always get our needs met – my husband and I are built very differently in our needs. And I am, in truth, still trying to figure mine out after this past year. But we often miss the mark in meeting each other’s needs, especially in the marriage bed.

Now, here is what I am saying:

Forgiveness has happened – my marriage bed is no longer a place full of hurt and unhealed wounds. Case in point was the bomb-out  night. We had talked and reconciled (led by my husband, I should add) by the time we got out of bed the next morning. Two years ago it might have taken 2 weeks to recover.
Conversation has happened – we talk about our marriage bed now, and we have both spent a good bit of time exploring our own souls to understand our sexuality.
Sexual connection has happened – this year has not been without some really beautiful and deep connection in our marriage bed.

Why is this hopeful, you ask?

Because, dear sister, the redemption of your marriage, while it may seem to rest it’s weight on your marriage bed, may not really be tied to your marriage bed at all. In fact, it may be healed so deeply and so truly that your marriage bed takes a more humble, beautiful place in your marriage.

Let me try to explain.

When a marriage is broken, and when a marriage bed is functioning poorly, it is a heavy weight on the scales. All of life can seem to rise and fall on what happens behind that closed door. But when a marriage is centered on Christ – when He is the sun that rights all the planets of our life – then sex can take its rightful place. (And please understand, there may be many reasons  for brokenness)

Don’t misunderstand – sex mattersI am not discounting it’s import, or pretending that it’s brokenness isn’t painful. But when communication, forgiveness, grace, understanding, and growth are happening in each spouse, then an imperfect marriage bed becomes another arena to practice all of these things, and see fruit.

So while my marriage bed may still at times frustrate, I find that I am full of hope towards it. I see the long road ahead, the life ahead (however long Christ may give us), and I know that we will continue to walk with each other with real love

I am praying for you today, sisters.
Praying for those of you who are doubting. Praying for those of you who are ailing. Praying for those of you who are discouraged and dismayed.
I am asking Him for grace to cover your hearts. I am asking Him to reveal Himself to you in your sufferings. I am asking Him to help you count the cost and find Him worthy of it. I don’t discount the pain – it hurts. Its okay. You are allowed to grieve.

I love you.
I wish we could share a cup today, and comfort each other with the Gospel – there is Good News, sister. May your heart hear it today.


3 thoughts on “All is well, and yet…

  1. You are a breath of fresh air, sister! Sometimes, the rejection or unmet expectations are so painful, it is hard to see past that. It is a beautiful thing, that even though there is still frustration in your marriage bed, whether it be at times, or more ofter, that you are able to not only see but enjoy the blessings of your marriage that are occurring outside of the bedroom. I am very bad about getting stuck analyzing a specific problem, and not seeing all the good that is around me. Your words have jump-started my heart, and I now realize too that while some things are still a struggle, we have made and continue to make progress in our marriage. Thank you for your words of wisdom that you choose to share with all of us. I’m not giving up on my marriage bed, but I’m able to focus on other things as well, and it has been a blessing. And to share with our other sisters, Mr.Spice and I are reading Intimacy Ignited, and doing the bible studies for each chapter. This is a huge success for us! It’s hard to imagine that he actually agreed to doing this study with me. It is blessing us both, and I hope the rest of you will get this wonderful book, a bible study/commentary on the Song of Solomon. It seems to be surprisingly comfortable for my hubby to do a chapter every evening with me. I believe it is because it is mainly a Bible study, but it gently touches consistently on the importance if sex, and being a servant lover. So he doesn’t feel as if I’m trying to “fix” him, and we learn wonderful, beautiful things about the joys of sex… IN THE BIBLE! Thank you, Annabel, if I remember correctly you suggested this book, or suggested a website that suggested this book. It is bringing healing to our marriage bed, and to our hearts. I pray that someone else will find this resource to be as wonderful as I have. God bless you all, sisters! With love, chels.

  2. Hi. By the time I began reading here, it had been dormant awhile. God allowed me to stumble on your blog in a time of deep hurt regarding my marriage, particularly our seemingly mismatched sex drives. I had felt so ugly, freakish, rejected, particularly because I’d already faced my first husband’s affair, subsequent abandonment and the deep depression that followed. To have found my second husband and second chance in life was miraculous, but to also find myself feeling unwanted yet again, well, it was doubly crushing. I felt very alone, my inherent insecurity amplified to a degree I feared another downward spiral. Your honesty and vulnerability helped me see I wasn’t so alone in my struggle. I have been a believer most of my life, and Jesus has been my rock through everything from childhood abuse to single motherhood. Still, though I knew sex was a gift of God, I couldn’t truly bring myself to believe He cared about MY sex life until I began to read here. To know someone understood, someone was praying was such a comfort, and so humbling, inspiring my prayers, changing the way I viewed myself and my marriage. Then, I read about your “news” and my prayers took on more urgency. I am so very glad to read of your healing and the amazing perspective God has been shaping in you. Prayers are continuing to go up for you and the ladies in similar struggle.Hope to read more here one day if you feel so inspired. God bless.
    PS. Sorry to be so long-winded. Part of it is my desire to write going into overdrive lol, but, mostly, I have just been longing to share. 🙂

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