Several weeks ago a dear reader friend asked a very important question that got me seriously rabbit-trailing into my own theology of sex (and Pt. III). Which I encourage you to read if you haven’t yet, just as a precursor to this conversation. But I am ready to get back to the question now, and I hope you will join me. As I so often state, I write here because we can’t talk face to face. The whole reason I get up early in the morning before the babies wake is because I want to use this space to communicate my heart and find a way to hear yours. I hope you will do me the honor today of fixing a cup of coffee and coming to talk at this table of beautiful women who love the Lord & their husbands, and who are fighting for their marriages.
So here is the question I invite you to “sit in” with me today:
I do have a question though that may be a little off topic of your original post…how important do you think it is for most women to reach orgasm during sexual intimacy with their husbands? I mean I find that when I get close but it doesn’t happen or my husband climaxes first, I feel very let down, especially knowing that it may be days or a week before we make love again.
When I was first really struggling with reaching orgasm I would try to tell myself it didn’t matter if I climaxed each time and it shouldn’t be the “goal” of our lovemaking, and my husband too would say that. We even read an article in a magazine written by a man who claimed that orgasm shouldn’t be the ultimate goal for women during sex if it is something hard for them to achieve…they should just enjoy the closeness and then if an orgasm occurs that’s a bonus. Easy for a man to say.
Reality is, I love reaching orgasm during our lovemaking and I think it’s okay to work towards it and achieve it when possible. It not only feels good, but it helps relieve tension and makes for a good night’s sleep.;) But having said that, I don’t want to put so much emphasis on climaxing that I lose sight of being close to my husband and maybe becoming selfish during sex, know what I mean?
So just curious if reaching orgasm should be important to us women and something we strive for during lovemaking especially when it’s harder to reach for some, instead of maybe blowing it off and thinking it doesn’t really matter?
This is such a wonderful question, and something I have been pondering a lot over the last few weeks. I cannot say I have the answer, but here are a few of my thoughts.
First, I think that it is really important to know why you have sex in marriage. As I stated in my theology of sex, I believe it’s to glorify God, proclaim and protect the covenant of marriage, and bring unity. It’s also how children are created, and that is of course incredibly central and important. There is nothing in any of these purposes that explicitly point to the importance of the wife’s orgasm, but I also think that our physical makeup gives insight into this. When our Creator formed us, He gave us the clitoris. This is a very special and unique organ made for one purpose: pleasure. God states something pretty spectacular by giving us this organ – we were made to experience pleasure. He could have easily allowed us to orgasm using the body parts that we already had, but no, He specifically gave us a body part that is for nothing but pleasure. And it’s also important to note that when orgasm happens, a hormone called oxytocin is released. This is what is known as the “bonding hormone” – it creates a feeling of connectedness. Endorphins are also released, giving us a feeling of happiness and well-being. When you put all of this together, it seems that God made orgasms to be something that all women experience as a positive, life-giving part of their marriage bed.
So what about reaching orgasm every time? It is important? Should we aim for it? I think the answer is yes, quickly followed by maybe. Yes, orgasm is important. It bonds us to our husbands, it creates the sense of connectedness and well-being. It points to a God who created, understands and is concerned with our happiness. C.S. Lewis says this so well in his Screwtape Letters: “Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s (God’s) ground…He [God] made the pleasure: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one.” God made pleasure, and I think that the benefits of orgasm make it more important than the work it might take to achieve, or the laundry waiting for you, or the time it takes to “get there”. So there is my yes.
Here is my maybe: I do not think the goal or purpose of sex is or should be explicitly to orgasm. God, in His infinite wisdom, created men to experience orgasm and ejaculation simultaneously (at least most of the time). I don’t know why this is. I have no idea why orgasm “comes easily” for men and is work and effort for women. But I do believe that God knew what He was doing. As I stated earlier, the purpose of sex is not orgasm, per se. And whenever we began to want orgasm more than unity, pleasure more than sacrificial love, and that rush of endorphins more than healthy communication – we are in danger of making an idol out of orgasms. This is dangerous ground, and must be avoided. Of course, only you & God know where your heart stands on your desires, so please know that I cannot and am not judging your hearts in this. Just presenting a question for you to ask yourself and the Lord.
To summarize, I think that in a healthy marriage a wife would experience orgasm every time she and her husband had sex unless they were both in agreement that her doing without was okay. This might be for a quickie, or if she was tired but he was needing, or one of many various situations. However, in a healthy relationship I do believe that a wife would reach orgasm almost every time.
That being said, I realize that many of us are not in these relationships. And I think that this is where we learn to hope and pray and give our desires to the Father. There are many situations that are right and good that are not currently active in our lives. This may be one of them. If so, then I pray for you today – I pray that you would have the words to share your heart with your husband. I pray he would have ears to hear. I pray that you would learn to cast your cares upon Christ, and to allow Him to use this (yes, even this) to mold and shape your heart into looking more like Him.
So, what about you? Pull up a chair and lets share our thoughts. Fix a cup of coffee with me and lets chat.
Do you think it’s important to aim for orgasm during sexual encounters? What weight do you think an orgasm should have? Do you agree with my thoughts or do you think I missed something?
I can’t wait to talk.