Many of you may have heard of the “10 days of sex” challenge that One Flesh Marriage has challenged couples to participate in. They have some wonderful resources about what to do if you are a higher-drive husband whose wife is hesitant to participate, and I think there is some good resources in there for “HD wife” marriages, too. If you are in a refused or sexually-starved marriage, perhaps you could approach these 10 days as days of fasting and prayer over your marriage bed. I would love to believe with you as well that in the next days you might have a breakthrough conversation about sex. Today, I would like to welcome back my friend Evie Tate. She is going to share a little about how to talk about sex. I am honored to have a “spicy sister” who is willing to let us into her unique experiences and marriage. Welcome, Evie!
While I don’t agree with the entire philosophy of the Salt ‘N’ Pepa song by the same name as this blog post, a few lines I think are helpful when brought under a Christian understanding of sex:
Let’s talk about sex, baby,
Let’s talk about you and me,
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be,
Let’s talk about sex.
When seen through the lens of a Christian worldview, we can adopt the truth found in those few lines above. In fact, it is vital to adopt the truth found in those lines. It is vital to talk about sex within our own marriages.
However, as I was reading the comments following my post “Heart Attitude,” I began to notice a common theme. It seems that for many couples there is a breakdown when it comes to communicating with one another, especially about sex. Of course, I don’t know each of the marriages represented through reader comments. It is hard to tell if the struggle over talking about sex is in the “talking” arena or in the “about sex” arena. So, I want to share some thoughts in regards to both.
Ladies, can I be honest? We really aren’t that great of listeners, are we? As women, we usually love to gab, often thinking of what we’re going to say next before the person we’re talking with has even had a chance to finish what he’s saying. Am I right? Especially in our marriages, we often fly right past anything our husband shares, simply to share what is on our own hearts.
For many husbands, this communication breakdown may very well be the reason it is almost impossible for a couple to talk about sex. Could it be possible that you don’t actually understand what your husband is sharing about sex? Could it be possible that in communicating about what you want, you’ve actually missed what he was trying to share about where he is? May I also say that it is often (though not always) harder for men to communicate their feelings about things than it is for women. So, could it be that your husband has felt it difficult to really express what is going on with him in a way that you’ll actually understand?
I’d like to challenge you higher-drive wives to sit down with your husband and ask him what he’d like for your sex life to be like. Ask him to be specific. And then I want you to really listen. Take notes if you have to in order to keep yourself from jumping in and cutting him off. Then, please respect what he shares with you. Respect where he is. I don’t know what he’ll share with you, but please treat it with care. If you don’t understand what he’s saying, gently and kindly express that, asking him to share more or asking him what he means. Make an effort to put to action what he shares with you.
I realize that you may have listened with all your heart to your husband or you may have made every effort to honor his design. I understand that some of you have husbands who simply refuse to talk about sex. My hope is that this next section will be helpful for you.
If the “about sex” part is what is tripping you and your husband up in talking, I’d first encourage you to consider why it is so hard for you, personally, to talk about sex. Ask God to heal places that are broken in you in regards to sexuality. Ask God to heal wrong perceptions of sex and restore you to His perspective of sex.
If it is not difficult for you to talk about sex, but it is difficult for your husband to talk with you about sex, I’d like for you to ask him why it is difficult for him to talk about sex with you. And again, as I said in the above paragraph, really listen. Listen to what he shares with you. If he is comfortable with it, pray that those things will be healed in him and that God will open your marriage to a place of wholeness in regards to sexuality.
If what you uncover in yourself or what your husband shares is more than what either of you can walk through together, may I suggest seeing an *insightful* Christian counselor alone or together? It may be that the wrong perspectives or broken patterns of sexuality are so great in either or both of you, that you’ll need someone else to help you walk through healing in regards to sex. Know that God has a redeemed and whole view of sex that He wants to work out in your marriage.
My hope is that you will not settle for massive walls in your communication with one another in your marriage. Please do not let the enemy create a wedge between you and your husband over sexuality. Learn to talk about sex with your husband. Pray for Jesus’ power to bring healing and oneness to your marriage. And ask for help if one or both of you cannot walk through healing on your own.
Thanks for sharing these important thoughts, Evie.
What about you, spicy wives? Is your struggle “talking” or “about sex”? Have you had a breakthrough in communicating about sex that you would be willing to share?
Praying for you today, amazing women.