All is well, and yet…

Good morning, sisters –

I was thinking this morning about what the perspective of someone who might come to this blog would be on the reality of my marriage as it currently exists.

And so I thought I should share. A year and a half ago I got “the news” from my husband – and that led to to a year of breaking, and a year of being made whole. Our marriage is stronger than it has ever been. We are more connected. We laugh easier, we forgive quicker, we see each other and offer grace.

And yet…
We still struggle to connect sexually.

Here is what I want you to know –
A whole marriage and a happy marriage does not necessarily mean a marriage where sex has been perfected (either in it’s actual performance or its regularity). I thought when our marriage was finally healed, our sex life would function as I have always hoped. In fact, I thought a fully-functioning sex life was an obvious and required part of that healing.

But guess what – that’s not necessarily the case.

So why do I tell you this?
To give you hope.

Your marriage functioning well does not necessarily look like your marriage bed functioning perfectly.

To expound, here is what I am not saying:

Our sex life is a regular, healthy pattern – there are many reasons for this (hello, children, I am looking at you), but whatever the case, our sex life isn’t functioning with any sort of regularity.
We always connect well sexually – just recently we had a complete bomb-out. It ended with both of us feeling a bit hurt and miscommunicated with. And no sex took place.
We always get our needs met – my husband and I are built very differently in our needs. And I am, in truth, still trying to figure mine out after this past year. But we often miss the mark in meeting each other’s needs, especially in the marriage bed.

Now, here is what I am saying:

Forgiveness has happened – my marriage bed is no longer a place full of hurt and unhealed wounds. Case in point was the bomb-out  night. We had talked and reconciled (led by my husband, I should add) by the time we got out of bed the next morning. Two years ago it might have taken 2 weeks to recover.
Conversation has happened – we talk about our marriage bed now, and we have both spent a good bit of time exploring our own souls to understand our sexuality.
Sexual connection has happened – this year has not been without some really beautiful and deep connection in our marriage bed.

Why is this hopeful, you ask?

Because, dear sister, the redemption of your marriage, while it may seem to rest it’s weight on your marriage bed, may not really be tied to your marriage bed at all. In fact, it may be healed so deeply and so truly that your marriage bed takes a more humble, beautiful place in your marriage.

Let me try to explain.

When a marriage is broken, and when a marriage bed is functioning poorly, it is a heavy weight on the scales. All of life can seem to rise and fall on what happens behind that closed door. But when a marriage is centered on Christ – when He is the sun that rights all the planets of our life – then sex can take its rightful place. (And please understand, there may be many reasons  for brokenness)

Don’t misunderstand – sex mattersI am not discounting it’s import, or pretending that it’s brokenness isn’t painful. But when communication, forgiveness, grace, understanding, and growth are happening in each spouse, then an imperfect marriage bed becomes another arena to practice all of these things, and see fruit.

So while my marriage bed may still at times frustrate, I find that I am full of hope towards it. I see the long road ahead, the life ahead (however long Christ may give us), and I know that we will continue to walk with each other with real love

I am praying for you today, sisters.
Praying for those of you who are doubting. Praying for those of you who are ailing. Praying for those of you who are discouraged and dismayed.
I am asking Him for grace to cover your hearts. I am asking Him to reveal Himself to you in your sufferings. I am asking Him to help you count the cost and find Him worthy of it. I don’t discount the pain – it hurts. Its okay. You are allowed to grieve.

I love you.
I wish we could share a cup today, and comfort each other with the Gospel – there is Good News, sister. May your heart hear it today.

Annabel

If sex is the problem, it’s not the issue

Hello again, sweet friends!

I pray these words find you aching towards Christ, and seeing Him respond in His grace and mercy.

I have had a thought so many times in this past year that I wanted to share with you. It’s a truth that has been lurking in the background of so many of my posts in the past, but has never been more clear to me as it is now.

If sex is the problem, then it’s the not the issue. 

If your marriage bed is what is causing you the most angst and tears, then I can promise you that it, in itself, is not the issue.
“So what is the issue?”, you may ask.

I hate to say I don’t know, but I don’t.

It could be some tangible sexual sin (and the things your heart may fear the most) – a pornography addiction or the devastation of adultery. It could be some tangible non-sexual sin – a gambling or gaming addiction, financial embezzlement, alcoholism.
These sins are the ones that our minds most often jump towards, these are the ones that haunt our dreams.

But there are other sins that can be the issue.
Self-centerdness. Silence. Pride.

Perhaps the issue is something else entirely. The root isn’t always sin.
There could be a history of sexual abuse. There could be other personality or history challenges affecting sexual desire or identity. It could be that there is a sense of shame around sex due to their family or some other circumstance. Perhaps there is an incorrect theology or philosophy of sex.

And then, of course, there is the whole realm of physical.
Performance issues.

(As an aside, I wrote about whether your husband’s lower sex drive is your fault in the blog posts here and here)

My sweet sisters – we are complicated beings. Often the actual issues will be multi-faceted, layers of several different areas. Often your spouse won’t even begin to know themselves well enough to identify the what or why of sexual refusal. Even if it is something “obvious”, like a pornography addiction or office romance – the why behind the action is tied to deep heart wounds that a “quick fix” (read, internet safety software or moving to another town) won’t get at.

So what are we to do about this?

Be aware. Often we have such a short-sighted view of our husband’s struggles (and our own!). Whatever they are, just know that there are layers you can’t see. Know that there are layers even he can’t see. Especially if he wasn’t raised to be self-aware, or has never had the language of the heart taught to him.

Be patient. This one is hard. Hard, hard, hard, hard. It doesn’t come naturally. It’s why it’s a fruit of His Spirit in us. Because we can’t contrive it, we can’t grow it, we can’t manufacture it and we can’t fake it. Be patient with his journey. Be patient with your own. Be patient with the journey you are on together.

Seek help. This is one of the most vital pieces. Listen to me, friends. You can’t do this alone. You both could probably benefit from counseling. Even if he won’t go – you go. You go for you. The church is Christ’s body, and it is wonderful. But sometimes a pastor isn’t enough. Prayer alone sometimes isn’t enough (I know, it is sacrilege to write). You or he may need psychological assistance. Or physical.

Find community. Finding friend’s is one of life’s greatest joys. Not the sort of friends you spill your husband’s secrets and faults to. Not gossip-driven women who are a shame to Christ’s name. I mean friends who will let you cry without needing to know why. I mean friends who will pray for you when you text them and ask. Find them in your church. Find them online. Pray for them. Open your eyes to women outside your usual circle of age, race, demographic, denomination.  We are not meant to journey alone. Even leaving a comment here can be a place to start.

Pray. Yes, I know I just said that prayer alone sometimes isn’t enough. But I do fervently believe in the power of prayer. Prayer doesn’t change our circumstances as much as it changes us. If you haven’t ever experienced the power of a prayer-life centered on Christ, go find a book by Thomas Keating or J. David Muyskens and read it. This is the magnet, friends, that pulls our hearts towards Christ.

From here on out, will you make me a promise?
When your marriage bed is suffering – when it is lacking, when it is a place of hurt rather than healing – will you ask yourself what is the real issue here?
Because it isn’t just sex.

Under the Mercy,
(praying you are as well)

Annabel

Preparing for Orgasm

I recently had a reader ask me how I mentally prepare for orgasm. I had mentioned in this post that it is something I try to do as a way to serve my husband sexually. She asked me how, and I thought it might be something helpful to share here.

First, I want to start by saying that this is my own experience. Every higher-drive wife is different. You may be HD but slow-start (in other words you need lots of time to get warmed up, even though you want to have sex more often than your husband). Or you may be (as a wife of one of my readers) HD and quick-start, needing to orgasm right off the bat before foreplay is even enjoyable. Or you may fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. We are each made differently, and that is okay. So please take everything I share here as a starting point for figuring your own particular “marital chemistry”, and not as the end-all of sexual wisdom (not that you would).

When I know that my husband is tired or our life dictates a need for faster sex (hello, children), I try to make sure I am as prepared for orgasm as possible. It doesn’t help us out much if I take 45 minutes to “get there” when we only have 20! And while there are times that I am happy to have sex with him without orgasm, he enjoys my enjoyment almost as much as I do, and he isn’t happy to have time after time without bringing me to orgasm. All of that to say, it is often helpful for me to try to be ready before the show starts.

So how to I do that? Here is (without too much detail), a few ways I prepare myself for sex (and orgasm).

1. Remember
I think my husband is incredibly good-looking. He is a wonderful lover. I have stored up some amazing memories of us together. I have a very personal Rolodex that I will begin to “look through” in my mind. This is often the first step of my own personal process.

2. Dream
In addition to some wonderful memories, I also have a pretty good imagination. Often I will find myself wandering into a scenario in my head that hasn’t actually ever happened. Making up my own stories about what might/could happen is a wonderful way to get turned on.
One very, very important caveat here is that I don’t venture into “sexually restricted” areas. This means dreaming about something that my husband isn’t comfortable doing, or a fantasy that makes my husband into someone he is not (by personality or by looks). Of course dreaming about anyone besides my husband, or anything else that is forbidden Biblically is completely wrong here.

3. Write (and read)
For me, writing is a wonderful outlet. I keep a password protected journal where I am able to write all of my sexual dreams and imaginings. My husband is fully aware of this writing, and it is a wonderful place for me to write out some of my deepest heart’s longings. I also write out prayers in this journal, both for my marriage bed as well as personally. It keeps my heart accountable in my writing, as well, to remind myself that God reads every word and knows the thoughts and intentions of my heart. Reading what I have written before is also a helpful way to start my engines humming.

4. Pay attention
One of the best ways for me to get “warmed up” is to simply pay attention to my body. Sexual urges, attractions and physical response is not wrong. In fact, within marriage it is incredibly right. So when I am thinking about my husband and preparing myself for sex with him, I pay attention to how my body responds. I know what it feels like to be getting hotter, so when I feel that way I mentally welcome it and appreciate it. I bask in it, so to speak.

5. Timing
For me, timing is everything. If I know that Mr. Spice and I are going to have a rendezvous at night, it doesn’t do me much good to dwell on sexual thoughts at 3 in the afternoon. That’s just me. While dwelling on those thoughts may get me revved up to go at 3:30., it doesn’t do much for me by 9 p.m. I just don’t have that kind of sexual stamina. By that time I will have forgotten all about my good feelings and have to start over. I usually need to start mentally prepping about 20 minutes before we are going to have sex. More if I will be distracted by small people or housework duties. I can get by with 5 minutes or less if it’s the only thing I am doing. But (for me) the mental preparation needs to be fairly close to the actual act.

6. First time is the charm
One thing I have noticed is that if I get myself all worked up and then don’t act, I not only lose the momentum I have gained, I take a few steps back. For me, the first time is the charm. If I am aroused and we don’t have sex, I can’t gain that arousal back very easily. In fact, if Mr. Spice starts to suggest that we move towards sex a few hours after I was ready I will find myself frustrated and annoyed. Which is not right, but it is how I feel. Often at that point I have to make a decision to go with it, and always will be glad I did. But it’s a hurdle to get over. This also means that if I am wanting sex than I probably need to try to distract myself from dwelling on it all day – it does me no good to be all revved up with no place to drive.

So there you go – a little glimpse into how I prepare myself for sex and help myself get to a place where I am able to orgasm faster. For me (as you can tell), it’s all mental. My imagination is my greatest friend here. I don’t really do anything physical (except write).
What about you? Are there ways that you “warm up”? Is there anything that helps you reach orgasm faster once you get there?

A gentle reminder to share with wisdom – we shouldn’t be able to picture you & yours in the marriage bed – lets keep that behind closed doors where it should be.

Share on, sisters –
Annabel

Lets talk about sex

Many of you may have heard of the “10 days of sex” challenge that One Flesh Marriage has challenged couples to participate in. They have some wonderful resources about what to do if you are a higher-drive husband whose wife is hesitant to participate, and I think there is some good resources in there for “HD wife” marriages, too. If you are in a refused or sexually-starved marriage, perhaps you could approach these 10 days as days of fasting and prayer over your marriage bed. I would love to believe with you as well that in the next days you might have a breakthrough conversation about sex. Today, I  would like to welcome back my friend Evie Tate. She is going to share a little about how to talk about sex. I am honored to have a “spicy sister” who is willing to let us into her unique experiences and marriage. Welcome, Evie!

*****

While I don’t agree with the entire philosophy of the Salt ‘N’ Pepa song by the same name as this blog post, a few lines I think are helpful when brought under a Christian understanding of sex:

Let’s talk about sex, baby,
Let’s talk about you and me,
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be,
Let’s talk about sex.

When seen through the lens of a Christian worldview, we can adopt the truth found in those few lines above. In fact, it is vital to adopt the truth found in those lines. It is vital to talk about sex within our own marriages.

However, as I was reading the comments following my post “Heart Attitude,” I began to notice a common theme. It seems that for many couples there is a breakdown when it comes to communicating with one another, especially about sex. Of course, I don’t know each of the marriages represented through reader comments. It is hard to tell if the struggle over talking about sex is in the “talking” arena or in the “about sex” arena. So, I want to share some thoughts in regards to both.

“Talking”

Ladies, can I be honest? We really aren’t that great of listeners, are we? As women, we usually love to gab, often thinking of what we’re going to say next before the person we’re talking with has even had a chance to finish what he’s saying. Am I right? Especially in our marriages, we often fly right past anything our husband shares, simply to share what is on our own hearts.

For many husbands, this communication breakdown may very well be the reason it is almost impossible for a couple to talk about sex. Could it be possible that you don’t actually understand what your husband is sharing about sex? Could it be possible that in communicating about what you want, you’ve actually missed what he was trying to share about where he is? May I also say that it is often (though not always) harder for men to communicate their feelings about things than it is for women. So, could it be that your husband has felt it difficult to really express what is going on with him in a way that you’ll actually understand?

I’d like to challenge you higher-drive wives to sit down with your husband and ask him what he’d like for your sex life to be like. Ask him to be specific. And then I want you to really listen. Take notes if you have to in order to keep yourself from jumping in and cutting him off. Then, please respect what he shares with you. Respect where he is. I don’t know what he’ll share with you, but please treat it with care. If you don’t understand what he’s saying, gently and kindly express that, asking him to share more or asking him what he means. Make an effort to put to action what he shares with you.

I realize that you may have listened with all your heart to your husband or you may have made every effort to honor his design. I understand that some of you have husbands who simply refuse to talk about sex. My hope is that this next section will be helpful for you.

“About Sex”

If the “about sex” part is what is tripping you and your husband up in talking, I’d first encourage you to consider why it is so hard for you, personally, to talk about sex. Ask God to heal places that are broken in you in regards to sexuality. Ask God to heal wrong perceptions of sex and restore you to His perspective of sex.

If it is not difficult for you to talk about sex, but it is difficult for your husband to talk with you about sex, I’d like for you to ask him why it is difficult for him to talk about sex with you. And again, as I said in the above paragraph, really listen. Listen to what he shares with you. If he is comfortable with it, pray that those things will be healed in him and that God will open your marriage to a place of wholeness in regards to sexuality.

If what you uncover in yourself or what your husband shares is more than what either of you can walk through together, may I suggest seeing an *insightful* Christian counselor alone or together? It may be that the wrong perspectives or broken patterns of sexuality are so great in either or both of you, that you’ll need someone else to help you walk through healing in regards to sex. Know that God has a redeemed and whole view of sex that He wants to work out in your marriage.

In Conclusion

My hope is that you will not settle for massive walls in your communication with one another in your marriage. Please do not let the enemy create a wedge between you and your husband over sexuality. Learn to talk about sex with your husband. Pray for Jesus’ power to bring healing and oneness to your marriage. And ask for help if one or both of you cannot walk through healing on your own.

Thanks for sharing these important thoughts, Evie.
What about you, spicy wives? Is your struggle “talking” or “about sex”? Have you had a breakthrough in communicating about sex that you would be willing to share?

Praying for you today, amazing women.

Annabel

P.S. Evie has also written about her heart attitude, the phenomenon (female ejaculation) and living in truth.

The power of the lower-drive husband

On Friday I wrote about how we as higher drive wives hold the initiating cards in the sexual part of a marriage relationship (as a general rule of thumb, not as a undeniable fact). Today I want to talk about how the lower drive husband holds the power cards. (I have to give a shout-out to Corey Allan who wrote about this on Hot, Holy and Humorous a few months ago, and probably did a much better job than me – go read it).

While I am writing specifically about a higher drive wife and lower drive husband, I want to point out that this particular phenomenon is applicable to all “sexually mismatched” couples.
As I mentioned on Friday, a higher drive wife holds the responsibility (most of the time) for initiating sex. If for no other reason than the simple fact that she desires more sex, she will be the one to ask for/seduce her husband. And this is hard, especially since the message higher drive wives receive is that they are going to be (and perhaps even “ought to be”) sexually pursued. Almost every woman I know, before she is married, has heard the “you will need to give your husband sex when you don’t want to because he will need it so much more than you do” talk. This can be spun in a positive light (i.e. “you are your husband’s source of sexual joy so serve Christ by serving him”) or a negative one (“all men are over-sexed creatures who need it way too often so you better be prepared to put out”).  For any higher-drive wife, these messages become incredibly confusing as we end up becoming the ones who are pursing our husbands sexually. This is because the reality of marriage is that the higher-drive spouse pursues, and the lower-drive spouse holds the power cards.

In real life this means that your lower-drive husband has the power to say no. He can veto your advances. Of course, you obviously are able to say no too, but higher-drive spouses rarely have that opportunity. We are the ones initiating – they are the ones responding. For better or worse, this means that your husband can say no. And, unfortunately, there are many of us who have experienced this – sometimes quite painfully.

So what can you do about it?
First, and most importantly – pray. Pray, dear women. Pray for your husband’s hearts. Pray for your marriage bed. We all too often neglect the power of prayer.
Second, this can be really important information to share. Using wisdom, gentleness and good timing – you may want to share this with your husband. Often times the lower-drive husband doesn’t even realize how much power he holds. So, if you find it to be wisdom, you may want to try to share this information (or forward him an email with this post for him to read in his own time).
You can continue to go low. You can serve your husband’s emotional needs. You can seduce him every way you know how. You can make your home a place of warmth and love.

Ladies, I will not deny that we are in a hard place. For many of us it means that we are being stretched in our idea of what is normal. We are working on our communication. We are learning to navigate life in marriage as a higher-drive wife. But for some of us it means consistent rejection and pain. It means tears and questions. I am praying for both groups today. I am asking God to intervene in marriages, to bring healing and newness. Would you join me? Right now, wherever you are, will you take a minute to lift up the marriages that are facing challenges? Even if your own is in a hard place – will you lift up others as well? May each of you feel a special grace today as you read this post, knowing that others are praying for you right now.

On a last note, I have to take a minute to address any lower-drive husbands that are here. May I kindly beg of you to bring your own heart before the Lord? Would you ask Him if you are holding the cards of power in a way that is pleasing to Him? Are you being Christ to your wife – denying yourself, taking up your cross? Are you bearing your cross as Christ bore His – with great love, and without comparison? I am praying that you would see yourself with eyes of truth, and hear the Lord’s voice for your own marriage and marriage bed.

I love you, spicy women. I am honored to be here sharing my heart, and I LOVE hearing from you – so if you haven’t said hi in a while, please do!

Annabel

On seducing a lower-drive husband

Earlier this month I wrote about some of my personal goals for the year. One of them was to very intentionally pounce on my husband – seduce the pants off him (literally) and make love to him.

But seducing a lower-drive husband can be quite the different world than seducing a higher-drive one. At least I presume so, because most of the advice I have read on blogs about how to pursue a lower-drive husband sexually don’t really work for my husband. Or at least, they don’t work the same way. My husband is a wonderful man. He finds me attractive. He even enjoys looking at me. But all of that rarely turns into him needing sex as often as I do. And this is something I have heard echoed from many higher-drive wives – their husbands are wonderful men, often great lovers when sex does happen, but they just rarely make it happen.

So how then, does a higher-drive wife go about seducing her man? I want to write a few of my thoughts, but encourage you to take these thoughts and apply them prayerfully in your own life. I am also trying to be very careful not to overshare here – one of the challenges of writing a sex blog! I want to write in a way that encourages you to think, but not in a way that you can picture what might happen between Mr. Spice & I in our own marriage bed. That’s sacred stuff, and, well, the invitation there is only for three (me, my husband & God). So forgive me if this isn’t as loaded with details as you hoped, and feel free to email me if you need further clarification or help. Not that I can promise much, but I will be happy to try & expound if possible.

The first, and most important thing to realize is that you must be a student of your husband. You need to study him, to learn him. Make him your favorite hobby. And you need to keep learning him. We all change, and what worked for him a few years ago might not work now. Or maybe it does. Either way, it’s up to you to dedicate yourself to the study of the man you have chosen.

However, here are a few thoughts that might be of help in your journey towards learning to seduce your man:

1. Remember your husband isn’t you
While we know this cognitively, I think we can often struggle as wives to implement it in sex. What I mean by this statement is this – what turns you on might not turn him on, what gets you going might not get him going. So perhaps you are visual and enjoy seeing him in silk boxers – that doesn’t mean he is visual. So while he might enjoy the sight of you in lingerie, it may not be quite what gets him going. Or maybe you like passionate, deep kissing. A few minutes of that and you are ready to start taking your husband’s clothes off. But that kind of kissing might not be what gets your husband’s engines revving. So often we can approach our husband as we want to be approached, whether that be gently or aggressively. But your husband’s passion buttons might not be the same as yours.

2. Remember your husband isn’t any other man
He isn’t the guy on TV that gets turned on by the mere sight of a scantily clad woman. He isn’t your friend’s husband, who is “ready to go” at the sight of her loading the dishwasher. He is yours. I have struggled in the past with thinking that my husband should be like the men I had seen in movies, or like the men I had read about in books. Ladies, even amazing books on Godly sexual relations might not be how your husband operates. I remember so clearly at one point in our marriage throwing a book across our room in frustration and tears because I just didn’t get it. The way they were describing the man’s sexual drive in that book was not how my husband operated. I was so devastated and disappointed – I felt like something must be wrong with me, with us, with him. I tried to do all in my power to “fix” him by approaching him how those other men seemed to want to be approached. But it never worked – because my husband was not those men. I had to get over it. I had to accept my husband as he was and learn him.

3. If at first you don’t succeed…
What I have discovered in my years of marriage is that my husband doesn’t understand his own sex drive very well. And as the higher-drive spouse and the one who wants us to talk about everything, I often try to ask him questions to draw him out. But he has a hard time answering because he doesn’t know. He often doesn’t understand himself. You know what that means? I have to learn the harder way – by observing. By being brave enough to try something new. By watching his responses over time and keeping a mental log of what worked – and what didn’t. And you know what? I can choose to be selfishly frustrated that he doesn’t respond the way I think he should, or I can love him and accept him the way he is made. My response to his likes and dislikes make all the difference in our sex life.
So what does that mean practically? You just need to try. Try different things and see how he responds. And try asking him (after all is said and done, or at a non-threatening, non-sexual moment) what he prefers. Some of you have married men who might be willing to engage in conversation about this. But even if you don’t, it’s healthy to try to engage in conversation.
Here is a personal exercise for you – go and think about your sexual encounters. Was there anything you can remember that seemed to help him get going? Write it all down. What about turn offs? Is there anything that you have done that seemed to put a damper on things? You might be surprised with what you come up with.
After making your list, try making a list of things you think might help your husband, based on your study of him. And then try those things, and see how he responds. Some things might work, some might not. It’s okay – you are learning your husband.

4. Moving past the theoretical
So, lets get down to the nitty gritty (can’t say that without thinking of the movie”Nacho Libre” – please watch this clip if you haven’t seen it).
Without telling you what my own husband’s buttons are, let me share a few things that you might want to try (or think about) in regards to seducing your own husband.
Kissing – does French kissing help turn him on? Or kissing him in a certain place (his neck, behind his ears, his upper legs, etc.)?
Oral sex – If this is a part of your sexual repertoire, is it something that helps your husband get aroused? Or does it turn him off? Perhaps you love it, but he doesn’t? Or perhaps it’s a great way to help him get his engines revved? Learn your man, ladies. Here is a tutorial for giving oral sex (no pictures, just words) if this is something that might help your marriage bed. And here is a wonderful round-up of a whole slew of information regarding oral sex.
Lingerie – Silk? Lace? High cut? Low neckline? Does a simple but pretty nightgown help turn him on? Or do you need to do something that screams sex – you know, those lingerie garments that are NOT meant to sleep in. Perhaps something a little more “scandalous” would help your husband visually? But make sure you study your man (and talk to him). A good friend of mine has a husband who really doesn’t like lingerie – it reminds him of his former addiction to porn. He prefers her in a tiny bikini. That is what helps get him going. Again, don’t assume your man is like any other here either.
Positioning – Is there a position that helps your husband get aroused? Climbing on top of him while he is lying down? Perhaps lying next to him in bed au naturale? Sitting on his lap? Straddling him?
Talking – Does your husband like it when you talk to him about what you would like to do to him? Or what you would like him to do to you? Is it arousing to him to hear these things, or simply awkward? Does it help him or hinder him?
Touch – Is there is a certain place you can put your hands that help arouse him? Does he like you to rub your body against him like a cat? Or nuzzle his neck with your nose? Or grab his butt? Or anything else? Does he like soft touch, or firm? Does he prefer strokes or scratches? Where are his erogenous zones?
Timing – Does your husband need advanced warning if you are going to seduce him? Or does a surprise work? Does it frustrate him to be interrupted while he is working? Is nighttime better, or morning, or middle of the afternoon? Is sex a gift to him when he is frustrated? Or does he need to be a good mood to enjoy it?

I know these are quite a few questions, but I urge you to spend time thinking about them. I urge you to ask your husband these questions – or perhaps write them down & let him take some time to answer them alone. Some men need time to figure themselves out – by not pressuring them you can give them a great gift, as well as communicate that you love them. If talking about it doesn’t get you too far, then get brave and try. Your husband’s body language and verbal response can be great clues to what might work.

4. A caution
Please don’t think that there is a magical “1,2,3” formula for turning your husband on. There usually isn’t. But there are probably things that help him. Just be careful not to create a formula with whatever you are doing – it will grow dull for both you & him. No one wants to be a simple equation – but we all want to be known. Truly & deeply known. So again, ladies, I urge you. Study your husband. Know him better than any other person on the planet knows him.

I once again want to write to those of my readers who are in a sexless marriage. I grieve with you, and I realize this post probably isn’t going to do you much good. Your marriage needs divine healing, a miracle from God. Keep praying for your husband, dear friend. Keep bringing your marriage bed before God. Seek counsel. Find help. Grieve. Know that you are loved. You are precious to God, and you are welcome here. May God grant you the grace to become more like Jesus through this suffering. May He shower you with His love in such a way that you become all the better for having walked in this valley. Know that I love you & I pray for you often.

I love you ladies. I hope & pray that this post is fodder for the love you have for your husband.

Annabel

The phenomenon

Good morning ladies! I wanted to welcome back Evie, who guest posted about embracing her higher-drive design a few weeks ago. Today she is here sharing her experience with the mysterious and wonderful phenomenon of female ejaculation. If you have experienced this, know that you are not alone! Evie and her husband have been married about three and a half years, and have two little boys. Welcome to this space once again, Evie. 

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The first timed it happened, I was surprised. So was my husband. As it happened more and more, I wasn’t even sure what “it” was. I, honestly, was a little embarrassed by it. I had never read anything about this in any of the sex books I had read. Thankfully, my husband thought “it” was pretty awesome, so that helped me not worry about “it” so much.

As time passed, “it” happened fairly consistently whenever I would orgasm. It had gone from just a little in the early days to a fairly large production as time progressed. I found out later this phenomenon that was happening to me was called, “female ejaculation.” What I also learned was that it was not scientifically proven and sometimes considered a myth. One Christian marriage book I read clearly stated that female ejaculation did not exist. I even asked a trusted friend about “it,” who also mentioned that she had always just thought it was a myth.

For a while these words “myth” and “does not exist” were discouraging and almost shameful. There was clearly something that was happening to me; however, I could not find any concrete information that could conclusively verify what was happening to me. This phenomenon continued (and continues) to happen throughout my sexual encounters with my husband. To us, “it” was often a marker of how amazing my experience was, how connected to my husband I truly felt.

As time has passed, I’ve continued to read and research this phenomenon to better understand what is happening with me because in my experience “it” is very real. What I have learned is that female ejaculation is simply excess vaginal fluid being squeezed out during or before an orgasm. The fluid is not seminal fluid (like in male ejaculation) nor is it urine. Female ejaculation is not scientifically proven. “Its” existence is widely debated. That is the summary of  what I have been able to gather thus far.

While the thought of female ejaculation may be shocking to some of you, my purpose for sharing about this is not for shock value. Nor do I share about “it” as an experiment in being crass. Rather, because I so desired to have affirmation that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this phenomena, I am sharing my experience with you. My hope is that if this is your experience, too, you will know you are not alone and that what you are experiencing is nothing about which to be embarrassed. Rather, what you are experiencing is an exciting facet of who you are sexually.

I have learned to embrace the reality of this phenomenon in my own sexual experience. I have learned to not be ashamed or embarrassed of it, but to own it as my own design. My husband has been a voice of encouragement, feeling proud of what he can “do” to me. I have learned to enjoy and even celebrate this aspect of my own sexual design. May you also embrace and celebrate your unique sexual design!

What about you, friends? Are you embracing your sexual design? Have you experienced this phenomenon or any other that has left you wondering? Rejoice today in how God made you!

I love you ladies,
Annabel

P.S. “J” over at Hot, Holy, & Humorous recently posted about this same phenomenon, and you can read about it here