On seducing a lower-drive husband

Earlier this month I wrote about some of my personal goals for the year. One of them was to very intentionally pounce on my husband – seduce the pants off him (literally) and make love to him.

But seducing a lower-drive husband can be quite the different world than seducing a higher-drive one. At least I presume so, because most of the advice I have read on blogs about how to pursue a lower-drive husband sexually don’t really work for my husband. Or at least, they don’t work the same way. My husband is a wonderful man. He finds me attractive. He even enjoys looking at me. But all of that rarely turns into him needing sex as often as I do. And this is something I have heard echoed from many higher-drive wives – their husbands are wonderful men, often great lovers when sex does happen, but they just rarely make it happen.

So how then, does a higher-drive wife go about seducing her man? I want to write a few of my thoughts, but encourage you to take these thoughts and apply them prayerfully in your own life. I am also trying to be very careful not to overshare here – one of the challenges of writing a sex blog! I want to write in a way that encourages you to think, but not in a way that you can picture what might happen between Mr. Spice & I in our own marriage bed. That’s sacred stuff, and, well, the invitation there is only for three (me, my husband & God). So forgive me if this isn’t as loaded with details as you hoped, and feel free to email me if you need further clarification or help. Not that I can promise much, but I will be happy to try & expound if possible.

The first, and most important thing to realize is that you must be a student of your husband. You need to study him, to learn him. Make him your favorite hobby. And you need to keep learning him. We all change, and what worked for him a few years ago might not work now. Or maybe it does. Either way, it’s up to you to dedicate yourself to the study of the man you have chosen.

However, here are a few thoughts that might be of help in your journey towards learning to seduce your man:

1. Remember your husband isn’t you
While we know this cognitively, I think we can often struggle as wives to implement it in sex. What I mean by this statement is this – what turns you on might not turn him on, what gets you going might not get him going. So perhaps you are visual and enjoy seeing him in silk boxers – that doesn’t mean he is visual. So while he might enjoy the sight of you in lingerie, it may not be quite what gets him going. Or maybe you like passionate, deep kissing. A few minutes of that and you are ready to start taking your husband’s clothes off. But that kind of kissing might not be what gets your husband’s engines revving. So often we can approach our husband as we want to be approached, whether that be gently or aggressively. But your husband’s passion buttons might not be the same as yours.

2. Remember your husband isn’t any other man
He isn’t the guy on TV that gets turned on by the mere sight of a scantily clad woman. He isn’t your friend’s husband, who is “ready to go” at the sight of her loading the dishwasher. He is yours. I have struggled in the past with thinking that my husband should be like the men I had seen in movies, or like the men I had read about in books. Ladies, even amazing books on Godly sexual relations might not be how your husband operates. I remember so clearly at one point in our marriage throwing a book across our room in frustration and tears because I just didn’t get it. The way they were describing the man’s sexual drive in that book was not how my husband operated. I was so devastated and disappointed – I felt like something must be wrong with me, with us, with him. I tried to do all in my power to “fix” him by approaching him how those other men seemed to want to be approached. But it never worked – because my husband was not those men. I had to get over it. I had to accept my husband as he was and learn him.

3. If at first you don’t succeed…
What I have discovered in my years of marriage is that my husband doesn’t understand his own sex drive very well. And as the higher-drive spouse and the one who wants us to talk about everything, I often try to ask him questions to draw him out. But he has a hard time answering because he doesn’t know. He often doesn’t understand himself. You know what that means? I have to learn the harder way – by observing. By being brave enough to try something new. By watching his responses over time and keeping a mental log of what worked – and what didn’t. And you know what? I can choose to be selfishly frustrated that he doesn’t respond the way I think he should, or I can love him and accept him the way he is made. My response to his likes and dislikes make all the difference in our sex life.
So what does that mean practically? You just need to try. Try different things and see how he responds. And try asking him (after all is said and done, or at a non-threatening, non-sexual moment) what he prefers. Some of you have married men who might be willing to engage in conversation about this. But even if you don’t, it’s healthy to try to engage in conversation.
Here is a personal exercise for you – go and think about your sexual encounters. Was there anything you can remember that seemed to help him get going? Write it all down. What about turn offs? Is there anything that you have done that seemed to put a damper on things? You might be surprised with what you come up with.
After making your list, try making a list of things you think might help your husband, based on your study of him. And then try those things, and see how he responds. Some things might work, some might not. It’s okay – you are learning your husband.

4. Moving past the theoretical
So, lets get down to the nitty gritty (can’t say that without thinking of the movie”Nacho Libre” – please watch this clip if you haven’t seen it).
Without telling you what my own husband’s buttons are, let me share a few things that you might want to try (or think about) in regards to seducing your own husband.
Kissing – does French kissing help turn him on? Or kissing him in a certain place (his neck, behind his ears, his upper legs, etc.)?
Oral sex – If this is a part of your sexual repertoire, is it something that helps your husband get aroused? Or does it turn him off? Perhaps you love it, but he doesn’t? Or perhaps it’s a great way to help him get his engines revved? Learn your man, ladies. Here is a tutorial for giving oral sex (no pictures, just words) if this is something that might help your marriage bed. And here is a wonderful round-up of a whole slew of information regarding oral sex.
Lingerie – Silk? Lace? High cut? Low neckline? Does a simple but pretty nightgown help turn him on? Or do you need to do something that screams sex – you know, those lingerie garments that are NOT meant to sleep in. Perhaps something a little more “scandalous” would help your husband visually? But make sure you study your man (and talk to him). A good friend of mine has a husband who really doesn’t like lingerie – it reminds him of his former addiction to porn. He prefers her in a tiny bikini. That is what helps get him going. Again, don’t assume your man is like any other here either.
Positioning – Is there a position that helps your husband get aroused? Climbing on top of him while he is lying down? Perhaps lying next to him in bed au naturale? Sitting on his lap? Straddling him?
Talking – Does your husband like it when you talk to him about what you would like to do to him? Or what you would like him to do to you? Is it arousing to him to hear these things, or simply awkward? Does it help him or hinder him?
Touch – Is there is a certain place you can put your hands that help arouse him? Does he like you to rub your body against him like a cat? Or nuzzle his neck with your nose? Or grab his butt? Or anything else? Does he like soft touch, or firm? Does he prefer strokes or scratches? Where are his erogenous zones?
Timing – Does your husband need advanced warning if you are going to seduce him? Or does a surprise work? Does it frustrate him to be interrupted while he is working? Is nighttime better, or morning, or middle of the afternoon? Is sex a gift to him when he is frustrated? Or does he need to be a good mood to enjoy it?

I know these are quite a few questions, but I urge you to spend time thinking about them. I urge you to ask your husband these questions – or perhaps write them down & let him take some time to answer them alone. Some men need time to figure themselves out – by not pressuring them you can give them a great gift, as well as communicate that you love them. If talking about it doesn’t get you too far, then get brave and try. Your husband’s body language and verbal response can be great clues to what might work.

4. A caution
Please don’t think that there is a magical “1,2,3” formula for turning your husband on. There usually isn’t. But there are probably things that help him. Just be careful not to create a formula with whatever you are doing – it will grow dull for both you & him. No one wants to be a simple equation – but we all want to be known. Truly & deeply known. So again, ladies, I urge you. Study your husband. Know him better than any other person on the planet knows him.

I once again want to write to those of my readers who are in a sexless marriage. I grieve with you, and I realize this post probably isn’t going to do you much good. Your marriage needs divine healing, a miracle from God. Keep praying for your husband, dear friend. Keep bringing your marriage bed before God. Seek counsel. Find help. Grieve. Know that you are loved. You are precious to God, and you are welcome here. May God grant you the grace to become more like Jesus through this suffering. May He shower you with His love in such a way that you become all the better for having walked in this valley. Know that I love you & I pray for you often.

I love you ladies. I hope & pray that this post is fodder for the love you have for your husband.

Annabel

The phenomenon

Good morning ladies! I wanted to welcome back Evie, who guest posted about embracing her higher-drive design a few weeks ago. Today she is here sharing her experience with the mysterious and wonderful phenomenon of female ejaculation. If you have experienced this, know that you are not alone! Evie and her husband have been married about three and a half years, and have two little boys. Welcome to this space once again, Evie. 

*****

The first timed it happened, I was surprised. So was my husband. As it happened more and more, I wasn’t even sure what “it” was. I, honestly, was a little embarrassed by it. I had never read anything about this in any of the sex books I had read. Thankfully, my husband thought “it” was pretty awesome, so that helped me not worry about “it” so much.

As time passed, “it” happened fairly consistently whenever I would orgasm. It had gone from just a little in the early days to a fairly large production as time progressed. I found out later this phenomenon that was happening to me was called, “female ejaculation.” What I also learned was that it was not scientifically proven and sometimes considered a myth. One Christian marriage book I read clearly stated that female ejaculation did not exist. I even asked a trusted friend about “it,” who also mentioned that she had always just thought it was a myth.

For a while these words “myth” and “does not exist” were discouraging and almost shameful. There was clearly something that was happening to me; however, I could not find any concrete information that could conclusively verify what was happening to me. This phenomenon continued (and continues) to happen throughout my sexual encounters with my husband. To us, “it” was often a marker of how amazing my experience was, how connected to my husband I truly felt.

As time has passed, I’ve continued to read and research this phenomenon to better understand what is happening with me because in my experience “it” is very real. What I have learned is that female ejaculation is simply excess vaginal fluid being squeezed out during or before an orgasm. The fluid is not seminal fluid (like in male ejaculation) nor is it urine. Female ejaculation is not scientifically proven. “Its” existence is widely debated. That is the summary of  what I have been able to gather thus far.

While the thought of female ejaculation may be shocking to some of you, my purpose for sharing about this is not for shock value. Nor do I share about “it” as an experiment in being crass. Rather, because I so desired to have affirmation that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this phenomena, I am sharing my experience with you. My hope is that if this is your experience, too, you will know you are not alone and that what you are experiencing is nothing about which to be embarrassed. Rather, what you are experiencing is an exciting facet of who you are sexually.

I have learned to embrace the reality of this phenomenon in my own sexual experience. I have learned to not be ashamed or embarrassed of it, but to own it as my own design. My husband has been a voice of encouragement, feeling proud of what he can “do” to me. I have learned to enjoy and even celebrate this aspect of my own sexual design. May you also embrace and celebrate your unique sexual design!

What about you, friends? Are you embracing your sexual design? Have you experienced this phenomenon or any other that has left you wondering? Rejoice today in how God made you!

I love you ladies,
Annabel

P.S. “J” over at Hot, Holy, & Humorous recently posted about this same phenomenon, and you can read about it here

A coffee chat : the wife’s orgasm

Several weeks ago a dear reader friend asked a very important question that got me seriously rabbit-trailing into my own theology of sex (and Pt. III). Which I encourage you to read if you haven’t yet, just as a precursor to this conversation. But I am ready to get back to the question now, and I hope you will join me. As I so often state, I write here because we can’t talk face to face. The whole reason I get up early in the morning before the babies wake is because I want to use this space to communicate my heart and find a way to hear yours. I hope you will do me the honor today of fixing a cup of coffee and coming to talk at this table of beautiful women who love the Lord & their husbands, and who are fighting for their marriages.

So here is the question I invite you to “sit in” with me today:

I do have a question though that may be a little off topic of your original post…how important do you think it is for most women to reach orgasm during sexual intimacy with their husbands? I mean I find that when I get close but it doesn’t happen or my husband climaxes first, I feel very let down, especially knowing that it may be days or a week before we make love again.
When I was first really struggling with reaching orgasm I would try to tell myself it didn’t matter if I climaxed each time and it shouldn’t be the “goal” of our lovemaking, and my husband too would say that. We even read an article in a magazine written by a man who claimed that orgasm shouldn’t be the ultimate goal for women during sex if it is something hard for them to achieve…they should just enjoy the closeness and then if an orgasm occurs that’s a bonus. Easy for a man to say.

Reality is, I love reaching orgasm during our lovemaking and I think it’s okay to work towards it and achieve it when possible. It not only feels good, but it helps relieve tension and makes for a good night’s sleep.;) But having said that, I don’t want to put so much emphasis on climaxing that I lose sight of being close to my husband and maybe becoming selfish during sex, know what I mean?
So just curious if reaching orgasm should be important to us women and something we strive for during lovemaking especially when it’s harder to reach for some, instead of maybe blowing it off and thinking it doesn’t really matter?

This is such a wonderful question, and something I have been pondering a lot over the last few weeks. I cannot say I have the answer, but here are a few of my thoughts.

First, I think that it is really important to know why you have sex in marriage. As I stated in my theology of sex, I believe it’s to glorify God, proclaim and protect the covenant of marriage, and bring unity. It’s also how children are created, and that is of course incredibly central and important. There is nothing in any of these purposes that explicitly point to the importance of the wife’s orgasm, but I also think that our physical makeup gives insight into this. When our Creator formed us, He gave us the clitoris. This is a very special and unique organ made for one purpose: pleasure. God states something pretty spectacular by giving us this organ – we were made to experience pleasure. He could have easily allowed us to orgasm using the body parts that we already had, but no, He specifically gave us a body part that is for nothing but pleasure. And it’s also important to note that when orgasm happens, a hormone called oxytocin is released. This is what is known as the “bonding hormone” – it creates a feeling of connectedness. Endorphins are also released, giving us a feeling of happiness and well-being. When you put all of this together, it seems that God made orgasms to be something that all women experience as a positive, life-giving part of their marriage bed.

So what about reaching orgasm every time? It is important? Should we aim for it? I think the answer is yes, quickly followed by maybe. Yes, orgasm is important. It bonds us to our husbands, it creates the sense of connectedness and well-being. It points to a God who created, understands and is concerned with our happiness. C.S. Lewis says this so well in his Screwtape Letters: “Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s (God’s) ground…He [God] made the pleasure: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one.” God made pleasure, and I think that the benefits of orgasm make it more important than the work it might take to achieve, or the laundry waiting for you, or the time it takes to “get there”. So there is my yes.

Here is my maybe: I do not think the goal or purpose of sex is or should be explicitly to orgasm. God, in His infinite wisdom, created men to experience orgasm and ejaculation simultaneously (at least most of the time). I don’t know why this is. I have no idea why orgasm “comes easily” for men and is work and effort for women. But I do believe that God knew what He was doing. As I stated earlier, the purpose of sex is not orgasm, per se. And whenever we began to want orgasm more than unity, pleasure more than sacrificial love, and that rush of endorphins more than healthy communication – we are in danger of making an idol out of orgasms. This is dangerous ground, and must be avoided. Of course, only you & God know where your heart stands on your desires, so please know that I cannot and am not judging your hearts in this. Just presenting a question for you to ask yourself and the Lord.

To summarize, I think that in a healthy marriage a wife would experience orgasm every time she and her husband had sex unless they were both in agreement that her doing without was okay. This might be for a quickie, or if she was tired but he was needing, or one of many various situations. However, in a healthy relationship I do believe that a wife would reach orgasm almost every time.

That being said, I realize that many of us are not in these relationships. And I think that this is where we learn to hope and pray and give our desires to the Father. There are many situations that are right and good that are not currently active in our lives. This may be one of them. If so, then I pray for you today – I pray that you would have the words to share your heart with your husband. I pray he would have ears to hear. I pray that you would learn to cast your cares upon Christ, and to allow Him to use this (yes, even this) to mold and shape your heart into looking more like Him.

So, what about you? Pull up a chair and lets share our thoughts. Fix a cup of coffee with me and lets chat.
Do you think it’s important to aim for orgasm during sexual encounters? What weight do you think an orgasm should have? Do you agree with my thoughts or do you think I missed something?

I can’t wait to talk.
Annabel