Preparing for Orgasm

I recently had a reader ask me how I mentally prepare for orgasm. I had mentioned in this post that it is something I try to do as a way to serve my husband sexually. She asked me how, and I thought it might be something helpful to share here.

First, I want to start by saying that this is my own experience. Every higher-drive wife is different. You may be HD but slow-start (in other words you need lots of time to get warmed up, even though you want to have sex more often than your husband). Or you may be (as a wife of one of my readers) HD and quick-start, needing to orgasm right off the bat before foreplay is even enjoyable. Or you may fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. We are each made differently, and that is okay. So please take everything I share here as a starting point for figuring your own particular “marital chemistry”, and not as the end-all of sexual wisdom (not that you would).

When I know that my husband is tired or our life dictates a need for faster sex (hello, children), I try to make sure I am as prepared for orgasm as possible. It doesn’t help us out much if I take 45 minutes to “get there” when we only have 20! And while there are times that I am happy to have sex with him without orgasm, he enjoys my enjoyment almost as much as I do, and he isn’t happy to have time after time without bringing me to orgasm. All of that to say, it is often helpful for me to try to be ready before the show starts.

So how to I do that? Here is (without too much detail), a few ways I prepare myself for sex (and orgasm).

1. Remember
I think my husband is incredibly good-looking. He is a wonderful lover. I have stored up some amazing memories of us together. I have a very personal Rolodex that I will begin to “look through” in my mind. This is often the first step of my own personal process.

2. Dream
In addition to some wonderful memories, I also have a pretty good imagination. Often I will find myself wandering into a scenario in my head that hasn’t actually ever happened. Making up my own stories about what might/could happen is a wonderful way to get turned on.
One very, very important caveat here is that I don’t venture into “sexually restricted” areas. This means dreaming about something that my husband isn’t comfortable doing, or a fantasy that makes my husband into someone he is not (by personality or by looks). Of course dreaming about anyone besides my husband, or anything else that is forbidden Biblically is completely wrong here.

3. Write (and read)
For me, writing is a wonderful outlet. I keep a password protected journal where I am able to write all of my sexual dreams and imaginings. My husband is fully aware of this writing, and it is a wonderful place for me to write out some of my deepest heart’s longings. I also write out prayers in this journal, both for my marriage bed as well as personally. It keeps my heart accountable in my writing, as well, to remind myself that God reads every word and knows the thoughts and intentions of my heart. Reading what I have written before is also a helpful way to start my engines humming.

4. Pay attention
One of the best ways for me to get “warmed up” is to simply pay attention to my body. Sexual urges, attractions and physical response is not wrong. In fact, within marriage it is incredibly right. So when I am thinking about my husband and preparing myself for sex with him, I pay attention to how my body responds. I know what it feels like to be getting hotter, so when I feel that way I mentally welcome it and appreciate it. I bask in it, so to speak.

5. Timing
For me, timing is everything. If I know that Mr. Spice and I are going to have a rendezvous at night, it doesn’t do me much good to dwell on sexual thoughts at 3 in the afternoon. That’s just me. While dwelling on those thoughts may get me revved up to go at 3:30., it doesn’t do much for me by 9 p.m. I just don’t have that kind of sexual stamina. By that time I will have forgotten all about my good feelings and have to start over. I usually need to start mentally prepping about 20 minutes before we are going to have sex. More if I will be distracted by small people or housework duties. I can get by with 5 minutes or less if it’s the only thing I am doing. But (for me) the mental preparation needs to be fairly close to the actual act.

6. First time is the charm
One thing I have noticed is that if I get myself all worked up and then don’t act, I not only lose the momentum I have gained, I take a few steps back. For me, the first time is the charm. If I am aroused and we don’t have sex, I can’t gain that arousal back very easily. In fact, if Mr. Spice starts to suggest that we move towards sex a few hours after I was ready I will find myself frustrated and annoyed. Which is not right, but it is how I feel. Often at that point I have to make a decision to go with it, and always will be glad I did. But it’s a hurdle to get over. This also means that if I am wanting sex than I probably need to try to distract myself from dwelling on it all day – it does me no good to be all revved up with no place to drive.

So there you go – a little glimpse into how I prepare myself for sex and help myself get to a place where I am able to orgasm faster. For me (as you can tell), it’s all mental. My imagination is my greatest friend here. I don’t really do anything physical (except write).
What about you? Are there ways that you “warm up”? Is there anything that helps you reach orgasm faster once you get there?

A gentle reminder to share with wisdom – we shouldn’t be able to picture you & yours in the marriage bed – lets keep that behind closed doors where it should be.

Share on, sisters –
Annabel

The phenomenon

Good morning ladies! I wanted to welcome back Evie, who guest posted about embracing her higher-drive design a few weeks ago. Today she is here sharing her experience with the mysterious and wonderful phenomenon of female ejaculation. If you have experienced this, know that you are not alone! Evie and her husband have been married about three and a half years, and have two little boys. Welcome to this space once again, Evie. 

*****

The first timed it happened, I was surprised. So was my husband. As it happened more and more, I wasn’t even sure what “it” was. I, honestly, was a little embarrassed by it. I had never read anything about this in any of the sex books I had read. Thankfully, my husband thought “it” was pretty awesome, so that helped me not worry about “it” so much.

As time passed, “it” happened fairly consistently whenever I would orgasm. It had gone from just a little in the early days to a fairly large production as time progressed. I found out later this phenomenon that was happening to me was called, “female ejaculation.” What I also learned was that it was not scientifically proven and sometimes considered a myth. One Christian marriage book I read clearly stated that female ejaculation did not exist. I even asked a trusted friend about “it,” who also mentioned that she had always just thought it was a myth.

For a while these words “myth” and “does not exist” were discouraging and almost shameful. There was clearly something that was happening to me; however, I could not find any concrete information that could conclusively verify what was happening to me. This phenomenon continued (and continues) to happen throughout my sexual encounters with my husband. To us, “it” was often a marker of how amazing my experience was, how connected to my husband I truly felt.

As time has passed, I’ve continued to read and research this phenomenon to better understand what is happening with me because in my experience “it” is very real. What I have learned is that female ejaculation is simply excess vaginal fluid being squeezed out during or before an orgasm. The fluid is not seminal fluid (like in male ejaculation) nor is it urine. Female ejaculation is not scientifically proven. “Its” existence is widely debated. That is the summary of  what I have been able to gather thus far.

While the thought of female ejaculation may be shocking to some of you, my purpose for sharing about this is not for shock value. Nor do I share about “it” as an experiment in being crass. Rather, because I so desired to have affirmation that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this phenomena, I am sharing my experience with you. My hope is that if this is your experience, too, you will know you are not alone and that what you are experiencing is nothing about which to be embarrassed. Rather, what you are experiencing is an exciting facet of who you are sexually.

I have learned to embrace the reality of this phenomenon in my own sexual experience. I have learned to not be ashamed or embarrassed of it, but to own it as my own design. My husband has been a voice of encouragement, feeling proud of what he can “do” to me. I have learned to enjoy and even celebrate this aspect of my own sexual design. May you also embrace and celebrate your unique sexual design!

What about you, friends? Are you embracing your sexual design? Have you experienced this phenomenon or any other that has left you wondering? Rejoice today in how God made you!

I love you ladies,
Annabel

P.S. “J” over at Hot, Holy, & Humorous recently posted about this same phenomenon, and you can read about it here

A coffee chat : the wife’s orgasm

Several weeks ago a dear reader friend asked a very important question that got me seriously rabbit-trailing into my own theology of sex (and Pt. III). Which I encourage you to read if you haven’t yet, just as a precursor to this conversation. But I am ready to get back to the question now, and I hope you will join me. As I so often state, I write here because we can’t talk face to face. The whole reason I get up early in the morning before the babies wake is because I want to use this space to communicate my heart and find a way to hear yours. I hope you will do me the honor today of fixing a cup of coffee and coming to talk at this table of beautiful women who love the Lord & their husbands, and who are fighting for their marriages.

So here is the question I invite you to “sit in” with me today:

I do have a question though that may be a little off topic of your original post…how important do you think it is for most women to reach orgasm during sexual intimacy with their husbands? I mean I find that when I get close but it doesn’t happen or my husband climaxes first, I feel very let down, especially knowing that it may be days or a week before we make love again.
When I was first really struggling with reaching orgasm I would try to tell myself it didn’t matter if I climaxed each time and it shouldn’t be the “goal” of our lovemaking, and my husband too would say that. We even read an article in a magazine written by a man who claimed that orgasm shouldn’t be the ultimate goal for women during sex if it is something hard for them to achieve…they should just enjoy the closeness and then if an orgasm occurs that’s a bonus. Easy for a man to say.

Reality is, I love reaching orgasm during our lovemaking and I think it’s okay to work towards it and achieve it when possible. It not only feels good, but it helps relieve tension and makes for a good night’s sleep.;) But having said that, I don’t want to put so much emphasis on climaxing that I lose sight of being close to my husband and maybe becoming selfish during sex, know what I mean?
So just curious if reaching orgasm should be important to us women and something we strive for during lovemaking especially when it’s harder to reach for some, instead of maybe blowing it off and thinking it doesn’t really matter?

This is such a wonderful question, and something I have been pondering a lot over the last few weeks. I cannot say I have the answer, but here are a few of my thoughts.

First, I think that it is really important to know why you have sex in marriage. As I stated in my theology of sex, I believe it’s to glorify God, proclaim and protect the covenant of marriage, and bring unity. It’s also how children are created, and that is of course incredibly central and important. There is nothing in any of these purposes that explicitly point to the importance of the wife’s orgasm, but I also think that our physical makeup gives insight into this. When our Creator formed us, He gave us the clitoris. This is a very special and unique organ made for one purpose: pleasure. God states something pretty spectacular by giving us this organ – we were made to experience pleasure. He could have easily allowed us to orgasm using the body parts that we already had, but no, He specifically gave us a body part that is for nothing but pleasure. And it’s also important to note that when orgasm happens, a hormone called oxytocin is released. This is what is known as the “bonding hormone” – it creates a feeling of connectedness. Endorphins are also released, giving us a feeling of happiness and well-being. When you put all of this together, it seems that God made orgasms to be something that all women experience as a positive, life-giving part of their marriage bed.

So what about reaching orgasm every time? It is important? Should we aim for it? I think the answer is yes, quickly followed by maybe. Yes, orgasm is important. It bonds us to our husbands, it creates the sense of connectedness and well-being. It points to a God who created, understands and is concerned with our happiness. C.S. Lewis says this so well in his Screwtape Letters: “Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s (God’s) ground…He [God] made the pleasure: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one.” God made pleasure, and I think that the benefits of orgasm make it more important than the work it might take to achieve, or the laundry waiting for you, or the time it takes to “get there”. So there is my yes.

Here is my maybe: I do not think the goal or purpose of sex is or should be explicitly to orgasm. God, in His infinite wisdom, created men to experience orgasm and ejaculation simultaneously (at least most of the time). I don’t know why this is. I have no idea why orgasm “comes easily” for men and is work and effort for women. But I do believe that God knew what He was doing. As I stated earlier, the purpose of sex is not orgasm, per se. And whenever we began to want orgasm more than unity, pleasure more than sacrificial love, and that rush of endorphins more than healthy communication – we are in danger of making an idol out of orgasms. This is dangerous ground, and must be avoided. Of course, only you & God know where your heart stands on your desires, so please know that I cannot and am not judging your hearts in this. Just presenting a question for you to ask yourself and the Lord.

To summarize, I think that in a healthy marriage a wife would experience orgasm every time she and her husband had sex unless they were both in agreement that her doing without was okay. This might be for a quickie, or if she was tired but he was needing, or one of many various situations. However, in a healthy relationship I do believe that a wife would reach orgasm almost every time.

That being said, I realize that many of us are not in these relationships. And I think that this is where we learn to hope and pray and give our desires to the Father. There are many situations that are right and good that are not currently active in our lives. This may be one of them. If so, then I pray for you today – I pray that you would have the words to share your heart with your husband. I pray he would have ears to hear. I pray that you would learn to cast your cares upon Christ, and to allow Him to use this (yes, even this) to mold and shape your heart into looking more like Him.

So, what about you? Pull up a chair and lets share our thoughts. Fix a cup of coffee with me and lets chat.
Do you think it’s important to aim for orgasm during sexual encounters? What weight do you think an orgasm should have? Do you agree with my thoughts or do you think I missed something?

I can’t wait to talk.
Annabel