I realized recently that I have been doing my readers a disservice since I haven’t told much of the story of Mr. Spice & I.
We were married somewhere around a decade ago. I quickly came to realize that the way we looked at, approached and desired sex were very different. Much to my initial shame and confusion, I realized that I had the higher sex drive! I was the one who felt like sex was the connecting point, rather than the result of connecting. I was the one who had the broader boundaries on what was sexually adventurous. I was the one who was “pushing” for us to try different positions and different places. My husband has always been an amazing lover. He takes wonderful care of me and isn’t happy with our sexual encounters unless I am happy with them. Still, his drive has always been lower than mine.
On top of the differences in our sexual drives from everything I had always heard, I could not seem to find anyone else who was in my shoes! I felt so alone, so strange, so…broken. I struggled with my feminine heart. I struggled with seeing my husband as a “real man”. I remember trying to cautiously talk to my married friends, trying to “feel out” if they might be in the same shoes. I couldn’t seem to find anyone who was – if anything, the voices were all on the other side.
Fast forward to October of 2012. After a particularly long and painful sexual separation (for reasons I haven’t shared yet), I started this blog on a whim. I had read so many married blogs about sex, which were all good information, just not my story. I was so tired of hearing encouragement to be willing to make love, or try something new, or just say “yes” when I had a headache. My heart cried out for our marriage bed. I had known sexual drought. I had known refusal. And through counseling and other venues I was coming to realize something important – I wasn’t alone. Statistics have pointed out that there may be as many as 1 in 4 couples where the wife has the higher drive.
I wanted to speak into the void. I wanted to speak life and hope not only to other wives, but to my own heart. Some of my early blogs reflect the pain I was feeling when I first began writing. I have thought about taking them down, but I think it’s more honest to leave them up. A few weeks after I started blogging, Mr. Spice and I had a breakthrough conversation. Somehow, through the grace of God and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, I was finally able to really communicate my needs. He was able to really hear my heart. A few weeks after that, I shared with him about this blog. He was gracious enough to say, “Keep blogging, babe. Others need to hear our story. You have a voice that needs to be heard.”
A few months after this blog began, however, I received “the news“. Our marriage almost fell apart. I left this space for over a year, seeking healing for myself and my marriage. In September of 2014 I began blogging again. I have found home…our marriage, and our marriage bed is on the road to wholeness. I am living a story of hope.
So that’s where we are today. So, so much of our story is yet to be told to you. There are deep, dark places that I will one day shed light on. I am not writing from a place of perfection. I am writing from a journey. And on this blog I share my side of the story. Because Mr. Spice’s story is all his own to tell. The places of healing in his own heart belong to him.
So welcome, dear friends. I welcome you if you are, like me, a spicy wife. I welcome you if you are a hurting wife. I welcome you if you are a hurting husband. May we all find the grace and joy in our marriages that will allow them to truly reflect Christ & His Church.
Annabel
Spice & Love 
Your voice in this arena is SO VALUABLE! May God continue to use your story to serve and heal others in like situation. From another imperfect sister…..
Thank you. Always humbled & honored to share my journey.
I also have struggled with this very thing. I always thought there was something wrong with me, maybe I wasn’t attractive enough, or I was just weird. All my other friends complained that there husbands wanted it to much, I felt like mine never wanted it. I would cry to God and ask him why he made me this way if he knew I was to be married to a man that was so different from what I kept hearing men were like. It still is a battle for us, after 19 years it has gotten some better, I pray one day we will be on the same page.
I just found your blog. I”ve been married 19 years with the same problem as yours…. I’m interested in hearing what you have to say!
I too, married (for the second time) in 2006. Even on my honeymoon in an exotic location, I began to feel that I was the one that wanted more and needed sex more. Since that time I have had breast cancer and I had a bilateral mastectomy. The day of the surgery the reconstruction began and while I have two reconstructed “man-made” breasts that are sure better than nothing, I am covered with scars both inside and out. I have had to deal with feelings of inadaquacy and rejection on a daily basis, not just from him but in my own mind. I don’t think my husband is rejecting me due to the surgeries, but often that is what my head tells me. He is older, 64, and I know he has a lower need for sexual intimacy than I do due to lower testosterone. I have always been spicy even in my first marriage (although my first husband wanted it as much as I did and I didn’t realise that I was different) and I continue to need and want that physical sexual intimacy almost daily. Dealing with feelings that I’m not desirable and that he doesn’t want to have sex (for whatever reason) is another pain that I carry in addition to the losses I have had. I wish I could make that understandable to my husband. Often I feel unattractive, flawed, scarred, and just plan ugly when I am rejected. After the surgery, I did not even want him to look at me without clothes, and while that has passed, I will always feel insecure, I think, especially when I suggest sex and he turns me down.
I’m so glad I’ve found this blog. I have hunted high and low on the internet for information about relationships where the woman has the higher sex drive, to no avail. I found you through Elizabeth@Warrior Wives who posted a comment on the Far Above Rubies site (http://www.aboverubies.net/2013/02/what-if-my-husband-doesnt-want-to-be.html).
My own heart aches with sadness over the lack of intimacy in our marriage. My husband finds it very difficult to express affection, verbally or physically. I can count on one finger the amount of times he has told me he loves me within the last 11 years of marriage. If I say, “I love you” he replies, “I love you too, darling”, but always flippantly, teasingly, never using my name. How I LONG for him to breathe those words to me with fervour or passion! He very rarely touches me or caresses me – those little touches throughout the day which affirm love for one another. When he does wrap his arms around me it’s usually because he has freezing cold hands and he’s trying to make me jump! I long so much for him to wrap me lovingly in his arms, without pulling away after a moment or two to make a cuppa or make a phonecall. I am a tactile, romantic woman and I find it hard. I’m so looking forward to reading more of your posts. What I’ve read so far has encouraged me and inspired me. God bless you – and your husband – for sharing your marriage with us. x
Thank you so much for this blog. I just discovered it. I see that there are no recent posts and I hope your blog is still “alive”. God bless and strengthens you in your marriage.
Today I prayed that God would speak on exactly the situation you and I are in and I came across your blog almost immediately. You are an answer to my frustrated prayers so thank you and god bless you for your honesty that is blessing and healing to women in our situation .
Thank you! I thought I was the only one who was struggling with having a higher drive, the rejection, tears and anger. I try to be peaceful, loving and kind but sometimes I just wish he would step on a Lego! 🙂 your blog provides the motivation I need to be a good wife despite the hurt.
This blog has filled a void for many women, myself included. I am definitely the higher drive spouse, & my desire is at least 4 times higher than his. I am loved & cherished & sometimes wonder why that’s not enough. I felt like an anomally, relating more to my friend’s husbands than to the women, wishing I had their “problem”.
I am coming to terms with the fact it may always be like this. I’m letting go of anger & sadness that he was higher drive for most of his life, but age seems to have changed that when we met. I know I’m attractive & have gotten over the bewilderment of him telling me he desires me yet turning me down so often I will no longer initiate. I know he feels he is failing me. I encourage & support him in all ways, & am learning to bring my emotional pain & physical frustration to GOD. I will get to the point of accepting this ‘new normal’; I will get to the point of accepting things as they are while praying for our marriage to honor GOD in all aspects. Thank you so much for sharing.