A coffee chat : low expectations

The world of blogging is wonderful and strange. I began my writing journey because I was lonely, in desperate need of a higher-drive voice that was female. So I chose to become that voice. But my journey is still taking place, and is full of its own struggles and imperfections.

I have said this before, but I truly mean it. I write because I would rather talk. If I could do anything, amazing friends, I would pull you through my computer into my (messy) living room to share a cup of coffee. And blueberry muffins that I am baking. We would talk for a long time about our God-given husbands and how to serve and love them better. We would share our heart’s stories. We would cry together, and laugh.
Since that is not possible, I thought I would try to do something today and see how it goes. I want to have a conversation with you.

Have you ever heard anyone say anything like this – “Keep expectations low. Low expectations keep you content with life and surprised by good.” The first time I heard this everything in me said, “NO!” It felt like giving up somehow to say that I would set my expectations low. However, I have found that having low expectations in some areas of life allow me to be grateful and defer frustration and disappointment.
Here is a case in point. My husband works constantly changing shifts. Sometimes he is scheduled for long shifts, other times they are short. Days off are random, and there is no real “pattern” to the way he is scheduled. So if I don’t expect him home for dinner, or home to help get the kids to bed, then I am pleasantly surprised if he can be available for these events. On the flip side, if I do expect him home and he doesn’t come, I find myself aggravated and sad that he is, once again, missing out on our family life. So here is a place where low expectations actually serve me well.

So perhaps there is a difference between low expectations and hope? Our hope lies in the Lord – in both His glorious return and His bringing truth, healing, and grace into our todays. Is it possible to keep low expectations on my husband and our marriage bed, while maintaining hope in our marriage becoming more like it was truly created to be?

I would be honored today to talk about these thoughts with you. Would you be willing to engage with me and give me your thoughts on these questions –

Is there any truth to keeping our expectations low?
Do expectations of our spouse and our marriage bed just set us up for disappointment and frustration?
Would we do better to have low expectations and find ourselves happy and grateful when things turn out well? Or are low expectations a “self-fulfilling” prophecy, or a dishonor to our marriage beds?
Is there a difference between expectations and hope?
If so, how do we have low expectations and still cling to hope?

Talk to me, friend. I covet your input on this.

Annabel

P.S. Not in the mood to talk today? That’s okay – if you just need to listen then here are a few one-sided conversations ๐Ÿ™‚
Go low – serving & pursuing your lower-drive husband
Keeping pure within marriage – how a higher-drive wife avoids temptation (and here is Pt. II)

43 thoughts on “A coffee chat : low expectations

  1. I really feel “expectations” are a way of setting ourselves up for a let down when it comes to dealing with people and especially our husband. They do not think like we do, so how can we expect them to fulfill our desires of what we expect to happen.
    I live most of the time expecting nothing, then I am not disappointed or either I am so surprised I can’t hardly stand it. I don’t know, maybe others feel this is a wrong outlook on life, but it gets me through.
    In a marraige, there are certain things that are a given that we expect. Like, for our husband to be faithful, to provide for the family, to take care of us and so many more like that.
    BUT ~ if I expect him to bring me flowers once a week, to make me breakfast from time to time, to do the dishes, to do certain jobs when I think they should be done ~ I am setting myself up for a BIG let down!
    We MUST communicate with our husbands and see if he is in agreement over certain expectations. Some he may just flat out will not do, some if he remembers ๐Ÿ™‚ he will be glad to do. But we must communicate with each other.
    So, there are a few of my thoughts for your topic today……. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Cindy,

      Thanks! Love your thoughts on expectations about “big” things versus little. Like expecting him to be faithful to me v. expecting him to bring me flowers. Also love your comment about communication. I think that’s probably been one of the biggest things for me in this area. When I find myself dissapointed, I ask myself “was I expecting something & didn’t realize it?” Often I find that is the case – and of course I didn’t communicate it either.

      Thanks for “having coffee” with me today!

      • In our times of lack of communications of my expectations, the first thing Mr B says to me is “Did you tell me?” My oh my!!! If I had a quarter for every time he has said that to me……..we could be retired on our own tropical island right now!!! We just celebrated our 42nd anniversary.
        Thank you for inviting me to coffee with you!

  2. I cannot tell you how grateful I am to the Lord for bringing me to your blog. I, too, am the high drive wife of a low drive husband. The difference is, that we are much older than you. Our children are raised and out of the home, we have grandchildren and have buried our parents (my mother just this July after caring for her in our home 24/7 for four years).

    My husband has always been a low drive spouse, having lots of self-esteem issues that are only now being brought out into the light. Our story is long, and I won’t go into it now… but I do so appreciate your thoughts and devotion to God and to your God-given husband.

    As far as your thoughts on low expectations… my first response was a resounding “NO” as yours was. But what you said makes sense. I don’t expect flowers every week, and when they come I am so pleased. The same for other expectations. But our love-making? I am having trouble releasing my expectations there. I believe we are commanded to give ourselves to each other. In that, I feel “justified” in having the expectation of regular sexual interaction. When we don’t, I am very disappointed. But… to let those expectations just go? Though your answer makes sense, I must admit I cannot let go of my expectations in regards to sexual intimacy.

    Communication is absolutely vital. We are getting better at it (only recently and after some terrible, awful times). I sometimes have trouble clinging to hope, especially after disappointment and heartache. But my husband and I are both clinging to the Lord and seeking Him and His will for our lives. That renews my hope!

    • Eileen,

      O my goodness, I could not have said it better myself!! And you are so right – flowers and sex aren’t really the same thing, are they? But I am like you – I struggle here. Because when my expectations aren’t met, I fight hurt and resentment, and like Aimee said, I am so tempted to take it out on him! I want to make him “pay” for hurting me. Which is so wrong and selfish.

      I guess that’s why I wonder if there is a difference between expectations and hope? I also wonder if it wouldn’t be possible to pinpoint our expectations and communicate them better to our husbands as well as what happens when they aren’t met? It would be a conversation that would have to be SO COVERED in God’s grace, but I wonder if it would help?
      i.e. “Babe, I desire you. I would love to have sex with you every other day. When that doesn’t happen, it’s okay, but I feel disconnected from you. I feel sad and lonely. I am tempted by other things. Can you help protect me? Can you help me be connected to you?”

      May God continue to give all of us the strength, wisdom and courage to find our voices in this journey. And for our marriages to be whole.

      I am LOVING this coffee time.
      Annabel

      • Eileen….I too am older, no kids at home…….We have been married for 42 yrs. I hope Annabel does not mind me sharing my High Drive testimony with you.
        We have served the Lord for 37 yrs now. I have always been a very high drive wife, married to what I thought was a low drive husband. Had many a let down over lack of sex in that many years.
        I thought I was a great “help-meet” thru those yrs. I never let him go out of the house not matching, I always checked his hair for him. I always directed him in the finances so we would do well. I told him even when he said things wrong while he was preaching(on the way home) so he wouldn’t look bad the next time. I always told him when the speed limit changed, so he wouldn’t get a ticket. Anything I thought he did wrong I corrected him on.
        THEN ~ 2 yrs ago ~ I truly came to understand how to Respect & Submit. He did not need another mother, he needed a wife! He did not WANT to make love to his second momma…….I shake my head as I write this.
        NOW ~ that he has a wife that truly respects and submits, and I understands that he is a grown man that is capable of making mistakes and we both can live through them, that he makes right decisions without my help…….HE is a HIGH DRIVE Husband!!!! And we both smile a lot!!!

        I do not know that this is what is going on in your marraige and do not want to come across “blaming” by any means.
        Spreading the word with my testimony to help any marraige I can is my ministry now. On facebook we have a Song of Solomon Womens group for christian married ladies to help women all we can.
        So now that I have drank the whole pot of coffee…….I will leave you and whoever else reads this with words to think on. God Bless!

        • Cindy,

          Mind??? This is what coffee chatting is all about!! I love hearing other people’s stories because we all learn from each other. Or at the very least, hear each other’s hearts and find sweet community. Would you ever be open to sharing your story here on a blog? I am collecting stories of hope to share and would love to include yours. If so, would you email me at spiceandlove@gmail.com?

          I love what you said about God changing your heart – because, honestly, that is all we can be responsible for, isn’t it? I can only allow God to change me. I can pray for my husband, but I have to continue to walk out truth irregardless of whether he changes or not.
          Thanks for sharing.

        • Thank you for sharing, Cindy! I see what you’re saying… and I know that what you went through is very common. I’ve never been one to “help” my husband in the way you described ๐Ÿ™‚ In fact, I find it most comfortable to take the supportive role in being respectful of my husband’s ways, and we agree that he is the head of our household under Christ. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a voice… for my husband respects me and often asks my opinion on things. My story is quite long… and I’m not sure this is the place to go into all of it. I can say, though, that because we have really started to open up to each other and tear down strongholds in our own lives as well as our marriage, his desire for sex seems to be increasing. We have a long ways to go, but we are going together. Our main regret is that we took so long to open our eyes and confront the enemy’s tactics to bring division to our marriage But I am so grateful to the Lord for His mercies! He has a plan for us (for all of us!) And it’s a plan for our good — to give a future and a hope!

          • It seems as though we both have went through “issues” for a very long time. Even though they are both different, we can Praise God together that the chains are broken, and healing is on the way for our marriges.
            Believe it or not, I am getting very comfortable being “supportive”!! Life is so much easier when we do what we are supposed to.
            Praying for your marraige to continue confronting the enemy’s tactics!

      • Annabel,

        I have tried many variations of the conversation “i feel hurt and lonely” It makes me feel better in the moment to let him know what i am feeling. However I find it just hurts him. I have not been able to find a way of communicating to him why I am sad without making him sad.

        I have recently come to resorting to not expect anything. That way I can just fall asleep instead of laying there praying he is going to initiate something. Meanwhile feeling more and more hurt each moment that he doesn’t. I have adapted a low expectation as a way of emotional survival. That is all it is though merely survival.

        Susie

        • Susie,

          I am praying for your marriage & husband today. Have you tried initiating? I talked about it a bit on my “Go Low” blog post, but I really think that as the higher drive wife we have to be willing to sexually chase our husbands down again & again.
          Of course, if your husband is refusing your advances, then you are in a different scenario all together. My greatest recommendation to all higher drive wives is to find a counselor who you can go pour your heart out to. And marriage counseling can be so helpful too, but of course your husband has to be willing to go.

          I know the pain that you are talking about, dear sister. And I am praying for you today. Welcome to the community – may God grant you & your marriage wholeness.

  3. Wow, is the first thing I thought when I saw your new post delivered to my email inbox! Low expectations…just wow. Why the wow? Because over the last couple days I’ve found myself thinking that perhaps if I had lower expectations of my husband and our marriage bed I wouldn’t find myself so frustrated and disappointed over not having as much sex as I would love to. I think he would be fine with once or twice a week, while for me, well every day would be fine!

    Over the past few week I have been finding myself feeling really down and disappointed when my husband would not show any interest in making love after we’d been flirting all evening or I’d put on a pretty nightie or I’d start letting him know I really wanted to make love. And I was becoming resentful of being turned down almost every time I initiated. So resentful that I would then think to myself how I would just turn him down if he reached for me the next morning, but I didn’t and don’t like that feeling in myself nor do I want to do that to my husband.

    So, I was thinking the other day…what if I just lowered my expectations, even to the point of denying my sexual urges and just wait until he initiates? That way I thought, I won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen and hopefully excited when it does. Maybe if I lower my expectations of only making love twice weekly, instead of wanting to every other day or more it would decrease the hurt I feel when it doesn’t happen and decrease the resentment that tends to build towards my husband when he isn’t meeting my expectations.

    Today I have to say though I woke up feeling disappointed because it’s been days since we’ve made love and I had thought last night was a sure thing. But instead he just went to bed because he was tired and then he didn’t want to this morning.

    Not exactly sure how to make the lower expectation thing work unless I’m truly willing to accept a lot less sex in my marriage, which truthfully I don’t want. And I worry that with lower expectations on my part he will come to see that as my not wanting to make love as often and not feel the need to put any effort into it at all.

    Guess I’m still trying to figure the lower expectation thing out.

    Thanks for getting this discussion going…I’m interested to hear from others on this topic.

    • Aimee,

      Yep, your thoughts about expectations, disappointment and resentment are a mirror to what I have felt. There have been seasons where I feel like my inner dialogue about sex and what to do about it never gets quiet.
      I think you are right, too. I don’t think that just saying “never mind having sex, I am just going to give up wanting it as much” is really realistic. I have tried going down that road, and for me it always, always ends in more resentment, never less.

      There has to be a Godly way to surrender our expectations and yet urge our husband’s on in Christ. I am right there with you, trying to figure it out. Thanks for weighing in. Love “having coffee” with you.

      • This has been an interesting discussion and I’ve enjoyed reading what think about lowered expectations.

        I had an interesting thing happen a week ago regarding this very subject. My husband and I celebrated our one year anniversary (note: this is my second marriage after a twenty year abusive marriage), and I had bought my husband a watch and had it engraved with the words For All Time and our anniversary date. We went out for a nice dinner and then stayed overnight at a local motel and after dinner that night I presented him with his present. He promptly went to the suitcase and got out something, and then proceeded to hand me a card saying that he had not gotten me anything but the card. My heart dropped, but I simply said, “that’s okay” and tried to put on a convincing smile. He opened his present and thanked me for it, and that was that.

        A couple days later my girlfriend emailed to see how our anniversary weekend was and I told her what had happened and how disappointed I had been at not receiving a gift of any kind. She then replied with something that really struck me and got me thinking about the whole “lower expectation” thing.
        She replied back, “Are you going to adjust your expectations or be honest with him? I know you don’t want to hurt his feelings but I would hate to adjust my expectations that far down!”

        I thought on what she said for a couple days, contemplating talking to my husband about my hurt feelings and what I had expected that night, but I just never did. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings for not doing anything and then I felt guilty for wanting a gift when we had just bought a couple nice things for the house a few days before. I regret now that I never said anything and still am fighting feelings of disappointment.
        And those feelings make me feel petty. He provides for me and I have everything I need, and I love him deeply and knows he loves me. I feel like that should be more than enough, but as my girlfriend said, we are human and will be disappointed in life.

        So, in lowering one’s expectations, just how low do you go?

        I believe we need to communicate our expectations with our spouses, no matter what it is about…work schedules, sex, celebrating holidays, gift giving, etc. Then we have more clear ideas that do not leave us guessing and wondering.
        My husband and I never discussed buying gifts for each other, I just assumed we would and when it didn’t happen I became disappointed.
        So, I think communication is key.
        And as my girlfriend said, we will always find disappoint in life and with our spouses, so sometimes lowering one’s expectations can be a good way of taking the pressure off of our spouse to do something we want when they may not even know we were expecting it of them.
        Yet on the other hand, I think lowering expectations too far may be a sign we are giving up on something important to us, so this is where communication is vital. It keeps both people on the same page even if you cannot always find a middle ground.

        Great discussion! Better go pour myself another cup of coffee! ๐Ÿ™‚

        • Aimee,

          So sorry you were dissapointed. It hurts to experience let-downs like that. And putting on a brave face is so, so hard. I actually want to encourage you to talk to your husband. Not telling him that you wish he had gotten you something, but just letting him know that your feelings were hurt and you want to make sure to communicate better in the future. Maybe ask him what your game plan is for gifts for all occasions (and maybe even set a budget of what you will each spend on each other?). I know Mr. Spice & I have had to do this as we had very different expectations for gift-giving! All that to say that I am in complete agreement with you – I think communication is key.

          Praying for that conversation with him & thanks for being here through several cups.

    • aimee,

      you just put into words exactly how i have been feeling!! once or twice a month is just not ok with me! like you i make it very obvious that is what i am thinking and get turned down almost every time. emotionally its more safe to not put myself out there. its more safe but i find myself even more unhappy and lonely!

      Susie

  4. I don’t know if it’s keeping expectations “low” or just not expecting certain things. I don’t want to say that my expectations of my husband are “low.” That makes me feel like I’m not respecting him, but I do realize that there are certain things, certain good things that other wives expect of their husbands that I can’t expect of mine. Why? Because he is not them, he is himself. I think some blogs/facebook/marriage books set up unrealistic expectations, but all our lives are different. So, I struggle not to put those expectations on him.

    And, yes, that also carries over into the marriage bed. When I first got married (in “middle age”) three years ago, I read a ton of marriage books and was horribly disappointed that my love life did not look like those books said they should. But why am I comparing my bedroom to anyone elses? It’s private and sacred, and God made us, and I need to be grateful for how he made us, not complaining or wondering why it is different for someone else. This is something I struggle with a lot!

    I think the key is to hope in the Lord – to trust that he has brought my husband and I together and he made us how we are. I can be grateful for that and love my husband the way he is, not try to make him into what I think he *should* be. A daily struggle, but something that God has been changing me about lately, and I’m a lot more content because of it.

    • Angela,

      LOVE these thoughts. They are rich with truth and a healthy perspective. “the key is to hope in the Lord”…amen, friend. amen. I actually recently had another interesting conversation about the idea of comparing our marriage beds to other peoples. Essentially the question was asked, “Is it ever okay to compare?” What if a couple only has sex 3 times a year – is that okay? The person I was chatting with said that research has shown that sex 3-4 times a week seems to be what keeps couples happiest & healthiest. Is it okay to compare to that? I don’t have any idea, but it was an interesting conversation, to say the least.
      I do think that when it comes to our sex lives there has to be some sort of agreement between a husband and wife about what is “less than okay”. At what point are we having so little sex that I am now in a place of temptation. All that being said, I LOVE what you said about “he is himself”. Comparison can be so, so dangerous.

      Keep up the good fight, and thank you for coming to have coffee.

  5. Are you married to my husband? Ha! He has the same work schedule (we’ll use that word loosely!) and it’s hard to constantly jump back and forth. Today’s am, he’ll need dinner when he gets home. Todays pm, he’ll need lunch & dinner packed… Etc. it’s hard to keep up with at times!

    Anyway… Maybe I will try to put your low expectations into practice. I think I’ve done that already in my marriage bed – to some extent….

    • Danielle,
      Isn’t it challenging to add the work schedule craziness to an already challenging marriage bed situation? Praying for you & yours as I understand that making it all work is a continual effort. Thanks for coming to have coffee with me today.

  6. I am a huge believer in low expectations! I expect good things from God, always, and am a very positive person, but I believe low expectations of others is key to my happiness.

    When I have low expectations of others, especially my husband, I am grateful for the little things. I don’t take anything for granted. Whatever I receive is an unexpected gift!

    We all bring a long list of assumptions into our marriages. These assumptions are killing us. No man can live up to all of our hopes and dreams. The Lord is our source of hope, not our husbands.

    When we have low expectations, we nag less, appreciate more and find our satisfaction in our relationship with the Lord more easily.

    • Carrie,

      I really appreciate your words here. And I love what you say about the Lord being our source of hope – so, so true!! And I love how you say we nag less & appreciate more. I definitely see this in myself when I set my expectations low for my husband.

      I would love to hear your thoughts about how this applies to the marriage bed. Do you think we should not expect sex at all? Or is it a matter of communicating our expectations and then letting it be? Love your insights & would love to continue to hear them! Thanks for coming to coffee ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. I think it applies to sex as well. If we expect it less, it is an even greater treat when we get it! I think it’s wise to communicate our hopes and expectations to our spouse, but again, not in a nagging way. We put it out there and then “let it be” as you said. And when our husbands pleasantly surprise us, we share our appreciation! If we see sex as a treat, as opposed to a right, we are more content and thankful. =)

    • Carrie,

      I like your thoughts about not nagging ๐Ÿ™‚ So, so important. I have to say, though, that I am not sure I see sex as a treat. I mean, it definitely is a treat, but I think it’s one of the centerpieces of a healthy marriage. To me, saying it’s a treat is a little like saying having all four cornerstones in your foundation is a treat. Well, it is, I guess, but it’s also vital to the house staying upright! ๐Ÿ™‚ I definitely want to work towards being more content and thankful as a wife, but I also want to work towards wholeness in my marriage bed. I wonder if there is a way to do both?

      More coffee!! ๐Ÿ˜‰
      Annabel

  8. Hi Annabel and others – I’m not a woman, but I’ve been known to play one on the web … and I make a mean pumpkin snickerdoodle!

    I was higher drive than my bride almost 28 years ago when we started. Over the years it’s gotten better and better, and now I would say our desires are very close.

    I know that my clearly stating what I wanted was an important part of her changing. She knew what I wanted, and she wanted to give me what I wanted. Without that clear communication, we would not have gotten to where we

    The same has been true of other things in our marraige, and it goes both ways. Knowing what she wants helps me focus on giving that to her.

    Of course you can drive yourself and your spouse crazy if your expectations are too high, or you can’t be reasonable. You also need to figure out how to express your needs in a loving and respectful way.

    • MB,

      I appreciate what you said about clearly stating what you wanted. It reminds me of what Cindy said about how if she had a quarter for every time her husband said “Did you tell me?”, she would be rich! The theme of clear communication definitely seems to be central in these responses. May God give us wisdom on how to talk to the men we love so much!

      Thanks for your thoughts here.

  9. Reading through all the comments gave me another thought…..
    Yes sex is VERY important to our marraiges. BUT ~ what if something physical happens to our spouse (since we have a man on board) and they can no longer function sexually? As MUCH as I enjoy sex, we can not let it be all our relationship is about. Wow, I can’t believe I just said that!!!!
    Seriously…..it is something to think about. It is a “treat” (the icing on the cake) that we can live without and continue on in a very intimate relationship if need be.
    I used to think it was the main course…….I love it just as much as ever, but now because we are intimate in so many other ways, it is dessert!

    • Cindy,

      I totally agree that, in the case of physical disability or something of the like, sexual intercourse would not be necessary. And I have even heard of marriages where one person goes into a comatose state and obviously at that point there would be no sexual interactions at all. But I have to say that if both spouses are healthy and functioning that sex is vital and central to a God-honoring marriage.
      Could a marriage survive and even thrive without sex? Possibly, in very, very rare circumstances (most paraplegics & quadriplegics can still have sexual intercourse).
      But I would say that most marriages cannot thrive without sexual intercourse. I have to say that I don’t think it’s “icing” for most marriages. Because if sex (the only physical act that represents our oneness) is icing, then what is the cake made out of? I don’t think it’s the only ingredient in the cake, either, but I do think it’s an important one. Like eggs. Or baking powder. Or something else important ๐Ÿ™‚
      I talked about this a little in my blog posts “Sex Matters” and “Sex is holy”. If you get a chance, give me your thoughts on those posts too! Yay for late night coffee ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • You said “But I have to say that if both spouses are healthy and functioning that sex is vital and central to a God-honoring marriage.”
        I am in TOTAL agreement……I guess my thoughts were carried away with the “what ifs” of life. (I do that a lot.)
        I read the ones you recommended ~ very good!

  10. After skimming the comments, I would just add that for me Hope is the confidence that it will happen (even if to me it feels like there are a lot of days in there). The faith that God loves me and gave me a husband who loves me. However, I should not always ‘expect’ to be intimate on my timeline or in the manner I anticipated. Hebrews 11:1 kept coming to mind- not that my husband is God, but that God is and that I can have faith that he is doing a mighty work in both me and my spouse!

    • LP,

      Thanks for your thoughts & having coffee with me! I really, really like what you said about my expectations of intimacy being on my timeline or in the manner I anticipated. I think it’s such a healthy way to look at it.
      I think that having the expectation that you & your spouse will have a healthy marriage bed is good & right. I think how that comes about and what it looks like is different for every couple & that is where we have to give up our pictures & rights. Would you say that’s true?

      Love having you chime in. I think the more voices on this, the more I feel like I am wrapping my head and heart around it.

  11. I’ve done that before where I’ve thought “okay, I’ll just wait and let him initiate and we’ll do it when HE wants to” and then I end up frustrated because I am expecting him to initiate and there is the rejection if it doesn’t happen as soon as I think it should.
    I read a lot of marriage books before getting married and they all say to serve him sexually and be available for him and whatnot. It seemed like every Christian resource talks about how much men want sex from their wives and how that is one of the best ways to serve him, so that built up expectations in my head, expecting him to want it all the time, and then wondering what was wrong with me when he “didn’t want me” as often. It was very confusing for quite a while. Wednesday is our 3 year anniversary, and I feel like I am so-very-slowly learning that he does want me, he just isn’t consumed by it the way we are made to think all men are. Your post about the sandwich-sex being the tomatoes or the bread I think totally describes us. I loved that post!

    Not sure if all this rambling is making any sense! I really just meant to agree that I think it’s okay to have lower expectations in regards to frequency, but still cling to hope that maybe it won’t always be this way…

    • Ang,

      I completely relate to your story about sexual expectations. I think that the books preparing us for marriage could probably do a much better job of preparing us for all types of marriage – especially as statistics seem to indicate that our type of marriage could be as high as 1 in 4! I hope and pray that as the years pass and our voices are heard the books will be rewritten some. Thanks for the encouragement about the bread & tomatoes post – it’s been one of my most read, which makes me laugh because it was such an off-hand conversation.

      But I totally agree – clinging to hope is so important!! Lets cling together.

      • I think, Ang, maybe you were referring to what I said about my timeline? If so, please allow me to clarify. I hear you. We have struggled similarly. When my husband and I were first married, I became so sad and angry. i felt like something was wrong with me. I wanted him all.the.time. And I wanted him to want me equally as passionately- that’s what all the books said.. After many years, and lots of dialoguing we have found ways to communicate about it that help us both to serve each other. As an example, If I would really like him to initiate (and we’ve even clarified how we both look at/ translate this word), I can tell him. “Honey, I really want you, and it would mean a lot to me if you would initiate preferrably sooner rather than later.” Now, I have communicated my need. But I have to let go of the expectation that it will happen in the next hour or so.. It could be that evening, it might be the next day…whenever it happens, I know he is trying. He is listening to me. It also means when he does initiate I will 100% not hold the length of time it took him against him – i have to choose not to feel rejected if it isn’t on my timeline. The biggest thing is that we have found a way to communicate about our hopes,, and I am blessed to have a husband who sees this is an important aspect to our marriage. We are still a younger married couple – at least as I look at it – but 11 years strong at working towards this point. I finally started laying down my expectations and praying, and as I did that God began moving in mighty ways not just in my heart, but also in my husband’s. and yes, I do think this can look different for every couple, but I think for me the praying and then communicating with my spouse (as so many others have said) is what kept my hope alive and helped me to start recognizing when my expectations were being unreasonable. We are still working on it. And there are still days when we miscommunicate or I expect something (reasonable or unreasonable) and we have to work through it, but we do. And they seem to be getting further apart. ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. I can understand where low expectations can be a good thing; they don’t disappoint, but in turn, I feel like I am (Because I have done this) dishonoring my husband. I SHOULD have high expectations for him because he has the ability and the God-given potential to be EVERYTHING God created him to be. Then again, I don’t want my husband to feel pressured. Pressured to be “perfect.”

    I think this is where I would come to a middle ground. I will have very high expectations of my husband, but I won’t let him know that because I don’t want him to feel pressured, but I will try ny best to remain grateful when he “comes short” in some areas. It’s my job as his wife to be like you said; his cheerleader! I believe that us as wives have auch a great responsibility in bringing that potential in our husbands OUT!

    So therefore; high expectations are a good thing to have for your husband! We have been taught to never settle for less! Just always pray that God keeps your heart grateful at all times despite the outcome of any situation. ๐Ÿ™‚

  13. I just emailed you my testimony. Please only use the names as I have them there. Thanks again for asking me to share!

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