I recently had a reader ask me how I mentally prepare for orgasm. I had mentioned in this post that it is something I try to do as a way to serve my husband sexually. She asked me how, and I thought it might be something helpful to share here.
First, I want to start by saying that this is my own experience. Every higher-drive wife is different. You may be HD but slow-start (in other words you need lots of time to get warmed up, even though you want to have sex more often than your husband). Or you may be (as a wife of one of my readers) HD and quick-start, needing to orgasm right off the bat before foreplay is even enjoyable. Or you may fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. We are each made differently, and that is okay. So please take everything I share here as a starting point for figuring your own particular “marital chemistry”, and not as the end-all of sexual wisdom (not that you would).
When I know that my husband is tired or our life dictates a need for faster sex (hello, children), I try to make sure I am as prepared for orgasm as possible. It doesn’t help us out much if I take 45 minutes to “get there” when we only have 20! And while there are times that I am happy to have sex with him without orgasm, he enjoys my enjoyment almost as much as I do, and he isn’t happy to have time after time without bringing me to orgasm. All of that to say, it is often helpful for me to try to be ready before the show starts.
So how to I do that? Here is (without too much detail), a few ways I prepare myself for sex (and orgasm).
1. Remember
I think my husband is incredibly good-looking. He is a wonderful lover. I have stored up some amazing memories of us together. I have a very personal Rolodex that I will begin to “look through” in my mind. This is often the first step of my own personal process.
2. Dream
In addition to some wonderful memories, I also have a pretty good imagination. Often I will find myself wandering into a scenario in my head that hasn’t actually ever happened. Making up my own stories about what might/could happen is a wonderful way to get turned on.
One very, very important caveat here is that I don’t venture into “sexually restricted” areas. This means dreaming about something that my husband isn’t comfortable doing, or a fantasy that makes my husband into someone he is not (by personality or by looks). Of course dreaming about anyone besides my husband, or anything else that is forbidden Biblically is completely wrong here.
3. Write (and read)
For me, writing is a wonderful outlet. I keep a password protected journal where I am able to write all of my sexual dreams and imaginings. My husband is fully aware of this writing, and it is a wonderful place for me to write out some of my deepest heart’s longings. I also write out prayers in this journal, both for my marriage bed as well as personally. It keeps my heart accountable in my writing, as well, to remind myself that God reads every word and knows the thoughts and intentions of my heart. Reading what I have written before is also a helpful way to start my engines humming.
4. Pay attention
One of the best ways for me to get “warmed up” is to simply pay attention to my body. Sexual urges, attractions and physical response is not wrong. In fact, within marriage it is incredibly right. So when I am thinking about my husband and preparing myself for sex with him, I pay attention to how my body responds. I know what it feels like to be getting hotter, so when I feel that way I mentally welcome it and appreciate it. I bask in it, so to speak.
5. Timing
For me, timing is everything. If I know that Mr. Spice and I are going to have a rendezvous at night, it doesn’t do me much good to dwell on sexual thoughts at 3 in the afternoon. That’s just me. While dwelling on those thoughts may get me revved up to go at 3:30., it doesn’t do much for me by 9 p.m. I just don’t have that kind of sexual stamina. By that time I will have forgotten all about my good feelings and have to start over. I usually need to start mentally prepping about 20 minutes before we are going to have sex. More if I will be distracted by small people or housework duties. I can get by with 5 minutes or less if it’s the only thing I am doing. But (for me) the mental preparation needs to be fairly close to the actual act.
6. First time is the charm
One thing I have noticed is that if I get myself all worked up and then don’t act, I not only lose the momentum I have gained, I take a few steps back. For me, the first time is the charm. If I am aroused and we don’t have sex, I can’t gain that arousal back very easily. In fact, if Mr. Spice starts to suggest that we move towards sex a few hours after I was ready I will find myself frustrated and annoyed. Which is not right, but it is how I feel. Often at that point I have to make a decision to go with it, and always will be glad I did. But it’s a hurdle to get over. This also means that if I am wanting sex than I probably need to try to distract myself from dwelling on it all day – it does me no good to be all revved up with no place to drive.
So there you go – a little glimpse into how I prepare myself for sex and help myself get to a place where I am able to orgasm faster. For me (as you can tell), it’s all mental. My imagination is my greatest friend here. I don’t really do anything physical (except write).
What about you? Are there ways that you “warm up”? Is there anything that helps you reach orgasm faster once you get there?
A gentle reminder to share with wisdom – we shouldn’t be able to picture you & yours in the marriage bed – lets keep that behind closed doors where it should be.
Share on, sisters –
Annabel
Spice & Love 
Thanks so much Annabel for answering my question with a whole post!
I find myself basically hot and revved up all the time now because of our marriage bed becoming a marriage bed again and not just a bed. But I am not having orgasms when we have sex (yet). I thought if I had insight into how you mentally prepared for faster orgasm, then I could do something similar and it might help me actually orgasm. Your point about taking steps backward if sex doesn’t happen when you are ready is interesting. I do know I can bring myself to orgasm quite quickly. But that is not what I want anymore. I want to experience that with my lover! I do not know my body very well at this point in time. You have given me much to think about. Thank you so much! It’s fascinating to think how God created us all differently!!.
Very good post as always, Annabel. On average it takes me about 30-45min with various types of foreplay to reach orgasm and I have only climaxed once during intercourse. I agree that if I think sexual thoughts of my husband before we are going to make love that helps to get me warmed up a little faster, but my problem is when I’m in the mood he usually isn’t or is just too tired from his odd work hours (up at 3am and in bed by 7pm). Last weekend I was feeling especially frisky and let him know, to which he said he was too worn out from our lovemaking session that morning (usually he likes to wait about two to three days in between, although that wasn’t always the case). So of course we didn’t do it, but early that next morning he woke me up to take care of my needs and of course by then I was over feeling frisky so it took a long time for me to reach orgasm.
I am really struggling again this morning with our lack of lovemaking and would appreciate prayers as I try hard to accept how it is and try not to focus on the lessened intimacy than we had when first married a year ago.
I have talked with him and shared how I need more sexual intimacy to feel connected and he has tried a little more to be there for me, but again his work hours make it tough and usually there is only the weekend for lovemaking…and then it’s only once because as I said above he says he needs a few days in between and I feel selfish asking him to just please me even if he doesn’t want intercourse.
I guess what I really desire is the touch and closeness of sometimes just making out, with lots of kissing and fondling. I really feel the lack of connectedness with him when days and almost a week has gone by and as hard as I try to not let it affect me, it just does.
Sorry to get off topic…I used to think I was going crazy until I started reading your blog and discovered that there are other women like myself who actually love sex. 🙂
This post is just what I needed. I often feel frustrated at how difficult it is for me to reach orgasm, even when I am really in the mood for sex. I totally understand the taking a few steps back when sex doesn’t happen when you’re expecting. At this stage I think my biggest challenge is still that I get upset/hurt/annoyed when we have agreed to have sex and I’m ready and waiting while he finishes up some work or watches more of the game or whatever. Logically I know that it is unfair for me to expect everything to be in my time, and I know he loves me and finds me attractive, but it is still hurtful that he doesn’t have the same level of impatience to be with me that I have to be with him. Ironically I’m mostly hurting myself, because I find myself becoming cynical and negative if I have to wait for sex. It’s not unheard of for my husband to call off an agreed upon tryst, and one sign that is going to happen is for him not to put off coming to the bedroom. This has conditioned me to start getting suspicious if he doesn’t come to bed when I expect. However, things are improving and he cancels less frequently, so I’m essentially putting myself out of the mood by being so negative even when there is every reason to expect we will be having sex. I had this realization months ago, but it is a really hard habit to get out of! I think next time I’m going to try focusing on praying for our marriage instead of allowing negative thoughts to fester.
I can so relate, HG, on having negative thoughts fester. I actually find when I allow those thoughts to take over I’m not much in the mood anymore! LOL It’s also a struggle for me as the higher drive spouse because my husband controls when we will make love and that seems so unfair to me, but I never say no and actually jump at the opportunity when he basically gives the green light for sex. Sometimes though I just cannot have an orgasm during sex and that then leaves me feeling not only less than satisfied, but somewhat resentful too since it seems so unfair that he gets total satisfaction and yet I’m the one that really wants to do it. And knowing that it will most likely be a week before there is an opportunity again to try for an orgasm makes it even more frustrating when it doesn’t happen for me.
But I too am trying to focus on praying over our marriage bed and keep the negative thoughts at bay.
Wow Amy. What you just wrote is exactly how I feel at this very moment. I do not wish these hurt feelings on anyone, but it does make me so very happy to not feel so alone in them. What you wrote is the very painful reality of my marriage bed. I’m so very thankful I found this site.
mrsmarine,
I too am very thankful for Annabel’s blog. I read other blogs on sexual intimacy in marriage, but most of them speak to LD wives and how to help them increase their sexual desire for their husband. No problem there for me.
But I do struggle intensely with the feelings I described above and am a low point right now. I finally cried out to my husband a couple nights ago how once, maybe twice a week is just not fulfilling to me. He is very caring and loving, and really hears me, but of course Aunt Flo is visiting this week so by the time we even come together again sexually it will have been close to two weeks since the last time. 😥
I’m so down and feeling so frustrated, but I cannot make him want to have sex more often. And I honestly feel guilty asking for it or definitely cannot bring myself to ask him to please me only. I try to cherish what we have left of our lovemaking, but it was so much more even six months ago.
I just need to keep praying over it and maybe just find acceptance of it.
Blessings!
Fabulous article. I thought I was that only LD spouses needed to deliberately prepare for lovemaking and orgasm. I was shocked to read that even HD wives have to do this as well. Anyway, I could relate to so many points in your article.
Sometimes I am able to focus and other times I really, really struggle. Sigh. I find this so frustrating. IT was super easy to be in the mood when we were dating but now (almost 30 years later!!) it is just so different for me. I miss those old days but I have to deal with today’s reality.
I can completely relate to all of you ladies. My husband and I are approaching our 1 year of marriage and I feel so alone in my marriage due to the lack of intimacy. As far as preparing for the big “O”… not an issue, it’s getting him in the mood 😦 My hubby is more concerned about being the one in control with sex, which means him on top. I have only been able to climax during intercourse while I am on top. The frustrating part is that my husband knows my delema, but insists on “trying” to get me there his way… not mine! Unfortunately, the only thing he achieves is making me feel broken, rejected, ignored, and resentful. We successfully connect approximately once a month. HELP!