I recently had a reader ask me how I mentally prepare for orgasm. I had mentioned in this post that it is something I try to do as a way to serve my husband sexually. She asked me how, and I thought it might be something helpful to share here.
First, I want to start by saying that this is my own experience. Every higher-drive wife is different. You may be HD but slow-start (in other words you need lots of time to get warmed up, even though you want to have sex more often than your husband). Or you may be (as a wife of one of my readers) HD and quick-start, needing to orgasm right off the bat before foreplay is even enjoyable. Or you may fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. We are each made differently, and that is okay. So please take everything I share here as a starting point for figuring your own particular “marital chemistry”, and not as the end-all of sexual wisdom (not that you would).
When I know that my husband is tired or our life dictates a need for faster sex (hello, children), I try to make sure I am as prepared for orgasm as possible. It doesn’t help us out much if I take 45 minutes to “get there” when we only have 20! And while there are times that I am happy to have sex with him without orgasm, he enjoys my enjoyment almost as much as I do, and he isn’t happy to have time after time without bringing me to orgasm. All of that to say, it is often helpful for me to try to be ready before the show starts.
So how to I do that? Here is (without too much detail), a few ways I prepare myself for sex (and orgasm).
I think my husband is incredibly good-looking. He is a wonderful lover. I have stored up some amazing memories of us together. I have a very personal Rolodex that I will begin to “look through” in my mind. This is often the first step of my own personal process.
In addition to some wonderful memories, I also have a pretty good imagination. Often I will find myself wandering into a scenario in my head that hasn’t actually ever happened. Making up my own stories about what might/could happen is a wonderful way to get turned on.
One very, very important caveat here is that I don’t venture into “sexually restricted” areas. This means dreaming about something that my husband isn’t comfortable doing, or a fantasy that makes my husband into someone he is not (by personality or by looks). Of course dreaming about anyone besides my husband, or anything else that is forbidden Biblically is completely wrong here.
3. Write (and read)
For me, writing is a wonderful outlet. I keep a password protected journal where I am able to write all of my sexual dreams and imaginings. My husband is fully aware of this writing, and it is a wonderful place for me to write out some of my deepest heart’s longings. I also write out prayers in this journal, both for my marriage bed as well as personally. It keeps my heart accountable in my writing, as well, to remind myself that God reads every word and knows the thoughts and intentions of my heart. Reading what I have written before is also a helpful way to start my engines humming.
4. Pay attention
One of the best ways for me to get “warmed up” is to simply pay attention to my body. Sexual urges, attractions and physical response is not wrong. In fact, within marriage it is incredibly right. So when I am thinking about my husband and preparing myself for sex with him, I pay attention to how my body responds. I know what it feels like to be getting hotter, so when I feel that way I mentally welcome it and appreciate it. I bask in it, so to speak.
For me, timing is everything. If I know that Mr. Spice and I are going to have a rendezvous at night, it doesn’t do me much good to dwell on sexual thoughts at 3 in the afternoon. That’s just me. While dwelling on those thoughts may get me revved up to go at 3:30., it doesn’t do much for me by 9 p.m. I just don’t have that kind of sexual stamina. By that time I will have forgotten all about my good feelings and have to start over. I usually need to start mentally prepping about 20 minutes before we are going to have sex. More if I will be distracted by small people or housework duties. I can get by with 5 minutes or less if it’s the only thing I am doing. But (for me) the mental preparation needs to be fairly close to the actual act.
6. First time is the charm
One thing I have noticed is that if I get myself all worked up and then don’t act, I not only lose the momentum I have gained, I take a few steps back. For me, the first time is the charm. If I am aroused and we don’t have sex, I can’t gain that arousal back very easily. In fact, if Mr. Spice starts to suggest that we move towards sex a few hours after I was ready I will find myself frustrated and annoyed. Which is not right, but it is how I feel. Often at that point I have to make a decision to go with it, and always will be glad I did. But it’s a hurdle to get over. This also means that if I am wanting sex than I probably need to try to distract myself from dwelling on it all day – it does me no good to be all revved up with no place to drive.
So there you go – a little glimpse into how I prepare myself for sex and help myself get to a place where I am able to orgasm faster. For me (as you can tell), it’s all mental. My imagination is my greatest friend here. I don’t really do anything physical (except write).
What about you? Are there ways that you “warm up”? Is there anything that helps you reach orgasm faster once you get there?
A gentle reminder to share with wisdom – we shouldn’t be able to picture you & yours in the marriage bed – lets keep that behind closed doors where it should be.
Share on, sisters –