Many of you may have heard of the “10 days of sex” challenge that One Flesh Marriage has challenged couples to participate in. They have some wonderful resources about what to do if you are a higher-drive husband whose wife is hesitant to participate, and I think there is some good resources in there for “HD wife” marriages, too. If you are in a refused or sexually-starved marriage, perhaps you could approach these 10 days as days of fasting and prayer over your marriage bed. I would love to believe with you as well that in the next days you might have a breakthrough conversation about sex. Today, I would like to welcome back my friend Evie Tate. She is going to share a little about how to talk about sex. I am honored to have a “spicy sister” who is willing to let us into her unique experiences and marriage. Welcome, Evie!
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While I don’t agree with the entire philosophy of the Salt ‘N’ Pepa song by the same name as this blog post, a few lines I think are helpful when brought under a Christian understanding of sex:
Let’s talk about sex, baby,
Let’s talk about you and me,
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be,
Let’s talk about sex.
When seen through the lens of a Christian worldview, we can adopt the truth found in those few lines above. In fact, it is vital to adopt the truth found in those lines. It is vital to talk about sex within our own marriages.
However, as I was reading the comments following my post “Heart Attitude,” I began to notice a common theme. It seems that for many couples there is a breakdown when it comes to communicating with one another, especially about sex. Of course, I don’t know each of the marriages represented through reader comments. It is hard to tell if the struggle over talking about sex is in the “talking” arena or in the “about sex” arena. So, I want to share some thoughts in regards to both.
“Talking”
Ladies, can I be honest? We really aren’t that great of listeners, are we? As women, we usually love to gab, often thinking of what we’re going to say next before the person we’re talking with has even had a chance to finish what he’s saying. Am I right? Especially in our marriages, we often fly right past anything our husband shares, simply to share what is on our own hearts.
For many husbands, this communication breakdown may very well be the reason it is almost impossible for a couple to talk about sex. Could it be possible that you don’t actually understand what your husband is sharing about sex? Could it be possible that in communicating about what you want, you’ve actually missed what he was trying to share about where he is? May I also say that it is often (though not always) harder for men to communicate their feelings about things than it is for women. So, could it be that your husband has felt it difficult to really express what is going on with him in a way that you’ll actually understand?
I’d like to challenge you higher-drive wives to sit down with your husband and ask him what he’d like for your sex life to be like. Ask him to be specific. And then I want you to really listen. Take notes if you have to in order to keep yourself from jumping in and cutting him off. Then, please respect what he shares with you. Respect where he is. I don’t know what he’ll share with you, but please treat it with care. If you don’t understand what he’s saying, gently and kindly express that, asking him to share more or asking him what he means. Make an effort to put to action what he shares with you.
I realize that you may have listened with all your heart to your husband or you may have made every effort to honor his design. I understand that some of you have husbands who simply refuse to talk about sex. My hope is that this next section will be helpful for you.
“About Sex”
If the “about sex” part is what is tripping you and your husband up in talking, I’d first encourage you to consider why it is so hard for you, personally, to talk about sex. Ask God to heal places that are broken in you in regards to sexuality. Ask God to heal wrong perceptions of sex and restore you to His perspective of sex.
If it is not difficult for you to talk about sex, but it is difficult for your husband to talk with you about sex, I’d like for you to ask him why it is difficult for him to talk about sex with you. And again, as I said in the above paragraph, really listen. Listen to what he shares with you. If he is comfortable with it, pray that those things will be healed in him and that God will open your marriage to a place of wholeness in regards to sexuality.
If what you uncover in yourself or what your husband shares is more than what either of you can walk through together, may I suggest seeing an *insightful* Christian counselor alone or together? It may be that the wrong perspectives or broken patterns of sexuality are so great in either or both of you, that you’ll need someone else to help you walk through healing in regards to sex. Know that God has a redeemed and whole view of sex that He wants to work out in your marriage.
In Conclusion
My hope is that you will not settle for massive walls in your communication with one another in your marriage. Please do not let the enemy create a wedge between you and your husband over sexuality. Learn to talk about sex with your husband. Pray for Jesus’ power to bring healing and oneness to your marriage. And ask for help if one or both of you cannot walk through healing on your own.
Thanks for sharing these important thoughts, Evie.
What about you, spicy wives? Is your struggle “talking” or “about sex”? Have you had a breakthrough in communicating about sex that you would be willing to share?
Praying for you today, amazing women.
Annabel
P.S. Evie has also written about her heart attitude, the phenomenon (female ejaculation) and living in truth.
Spice & Love 
We had a major breakdown in communication last night and often when sex comes up. I feel like the more I try to talk things through with my husband and the more I try to fix things (like working on my low ability to orgasm), the more hurt I become and the more damage is done. He realizes my hurt and then trys to remedy it later but in the process it seems like so much more damage is done.
I am so sorry to hear about your breakdown in communication. It sounds like you both want to talk with each other; however, you keep hitting places you cannot move past together. In your understanding of your marriage and communication, would it be helpful to seek an outside counselor at this point? Or do you feel that you and your husband are at a place of still growing together and learning how to communicate. I am praying today for your marriage, for healing in communication, and for you to feel a new peace and delight between you and your husband, especially in regards to sex.
Annabel and Evie, this is a fabulous article! Communication and sex go hand in hand. We talk to so many couples who don’t know how to talk to their hubby’s about sex. Then walls are built, emotions are high, things are assumed and well there is a whole world of hurt and misunderstanding beyond that! The beautiful thing is that once you start to communicate openly, it gets easier to keep talking and the walls break down. As you said, listening is the most important part of communication! Talking about feelings and what you desire for your marriage and less of pointing fingers is a good way to share and have healthy communication.
This blog is amazing! Truly! Those of us in the blogger world are so thankful to have a voice in the HD wife world. In fact Annabel we would love to have you guest post for us if you are willing! We need to keep bringing light to these darkened corners of marriage, together! 🙂
Thanks so much for stopping by! I would be honored to guest post – perhaps if you want to shot me an email : spiceandlove@gmail.com I could get some thoughts from you on timing & etc.
I agree – there is a whole lot of silence on this particular topic from a Christian perspective and I have been humbled and honored by the response from others. Praying God continues to shine His light. And incredibly grateful for my friend Evie who always has wonderful things to say.
OFM, thank you for your encouragement! Communication and sex really do go hand in hand, don’t they?! It truly is a privilege to be able to write for Annabel’s blog!
I really like the challenge to listen so intently to our husbands that we take notes! I must confess, I’ve not really done that–at least not as you’ve described here, Evie. And I really think subjects like our sex lives are times when note taking could be so helpful and put us in a position to receive and evaluate. Great thoughts and thanks so much to you too, Annabel, for providing this forum for Evie to share her informative and helpful post!
I am excited for you to stop and take notes! I am excited for what may open up in your marriage as you focus on really listening to your husband! Praying for God to bless your marriage…especially your experience of sex in marriage…as you do intently listen to your husband!
I think our difficulties come from 1) my husband works 70+ hours per week so he is tired a lot and 2) I know of several men that he works with are cheating on their wives. This scares me and makes me wonder if he’s not sleeping with me, is he sleeping with someone else? He swears up and down that he’s not and I don’t really have a reason to think otherwise. But with me being the higher drive spouse, it just really hurts me when I get turned down so frequently, like once a week. It makes me just want to give up altogether.
“Frustrated wife”, I can relate. We are going through similar situations. I’ve really struggled with what’s gone on without me knowing and why my husband has settled for just once a week intimacy. He just isn’t that type of guy. I’ve really tried to come out of my shell to see if that would help. Several years ago, he did step outside the line, and so it’s made me more aware of what could happen again. It’s a tough situation and I pray yours resolves soon in the best way.
Liza, praying for you, too, today…that there would be a renewal of intimacy in your marriage and total healing and transformation from past hurts!
I so relate to your struggle! My husband also regularly works 70+ hours. I have definitely seen a connection between high work weeks and his lower drive. At this point, for us, I often just have to remind myself how exhausted he is and how much his fatigue affects his sex drive. It does hurt to get turned down…especially frequently. I know, for us, my husband’s work schedule is something we are currently in the process of changing because of how much it affects him (on multiple levels, not just sex drive). Are you and your husband in a position in life to re-evaluate and change his work schedule? Just a thought. You might not be, and I totally understand that, too. I just feel for you today because I walk a similar path. Praying today for healing in your marriage in regards to sex. That your husband would have energy for you, even when he has worked like crazy in a week. May God bring passion, life, desire, and renewal into your sex life together.